Leadership

Harassment and Boundaries

3481712_xlTechnically this is part of my Pagans and Predators series, but in this case, I’m largely not talking about intentional predators. I’m talking about the ambient harassment and physical boundary-pushing that happens at every Pagan event out there, to a certain extent.

It’s worse at some events than at others.

I’m going to describe a few situations I’ve found myself in at Pagan events, and at some science fiction and fantasy conventions, that I would consider to be in violation of my physical boundaries. In other words, harassment, or even the mild side of physical assault.

And at the time, I didn’t say anything. I didn’t speak up. In some of these cases, I didn’t even realize it was harassment until later.

As more women have started coming forward to speak out about being raped or harassed, I notice that there’s this cultural idea that women wake up the next day after having sex and suddenly, arbitrarily decide, “No, I didn’t want that. I didn’t really consent, I’m going to accuse this guy of rape.” There’s even ads out there, “Don’t be that girl.”

As I’ve posted in past articles on sex and ethics, the idea of being sex positive is a complicated one. Women, for instance, are simultaneously pressured by the dominant culture to be sexualized and sex objects, and pressured to not have sex because it’s “wrong” or “sinful.” And then the pressures of the sex positive movement is that sex isn’t “wrong” or “sinful” and women should enjoy sex…but, there’s a pressuring in that too.

And it’s not just women facing these pressures.

At Pagan events like conferences and festivals, and at other subculture events I’ve attended like science fiction and fantasy conventions, there’s varying levels of pressure to be ok with sex. The idea that being sex positive means that casual touch is ok.

Or, the more insidious side of the supposedly sex-positive culture is, “If you don’t like sex you’re a prude, you’re bad.”

Looking back, I’ve put up with a lot of touching and inappropriate comments under the auspices of not wanting to be “that girl.” Not wanting to be the party pooper, the prude, the person who was no fun. That’s a label I’ve held in my life and it’s one I’ve avoided getting stuck with.

But when I review certain situations, I see where I really wanted to say, “I’m not ok with this,” and I didn’t because I was afraid of offending people and being labeled the party pooper.

And that’s the communal problem we have–it’s the peer pressuring that we don’t even realize we’re engaging in that makes someone allow touching and other behavior that they aren’t ok with, for fear of being labeled (and thusly, rejected) for being “the party pooper.”

Boundaries
And as long as we see holding boundaries as someone who is ruining the group’s fun, we’re going to keep running into these problems.

If you want a quick review of what I mean by boundaries, and particularly the difficulty with poor boundaries in terms of people pleasing, one of my past blog posts might help. In the second half of the article I especially talk about the issues of boundaries and people pleasing. In other words–we are afraid to say “no” because it will offend someone.
https://shaunaaura.wordpress.com/2014/03/10/authenticity-boundaries-shadows/

What would happen if we, instead, honored and respected someone’s boundaries? If we asked them if it was ok before trying to hug them, if we respected someone’s desire to not drink alcohol or smoke without teasing them. What if instead of complaining about all the nasty jokes we can’t tell because then someone will complain, what if instead of worrying about how all these boundaries are going to spoil our fun, we look at the community we keep saying we want to be part of?

If we want a sex positive community and culture, that means we have to respect people’s boundaries.

Touching people without their consent is not sex positive. Telling people they are ruining the group’s fun and that they are ashamed of their sexuality because they don’t want to be groped in public is not sex positive.

Examples:

Hugging
Yes, there’s that axiom; “Pagans hug, you’ll get use to it.” And, I have. I just kind of freeze over my body when people I don’t know come up and hug me without asking me. Truthfully, I don’t mind a short hug. I don’t like a long hug with someone I don’t know well. In fact, I don’t generally like much physical contact with people I don’t know well. People who genuinely like hugging don’t get this about people who don’t like hugging. How can you not like hugging?

Thing is–it’s an issue of consent. At the very least, offer someone the chance to decline the hug without any major drama. I always appreciate it when someone asks if I’m ok with a hug, particularly if I’m at a Pagan festival and my shoulders are sunburned. Generally I’m fine with a quick hug. Some folks I know really  find it uncomfortable to be hugged. For instance, some folks on the autism spectrum find physical touch to be extremely distressing.

The reason doesn’t matter, and you don’t need to know if someone’s triggered by touch because of sexual assault or if they just don’t like to be touched. People who don’t like physical touch don’t need to be “fixed.”

If I’m being really truthful, I’d probably decline more hugs at events if I weren’t concerned that I’d offend people. However, I’m in that gray area where, while I don’t prefer random hugs, I can also be generally ok with them. But I’m a lot more ok with them if someone asks first.

Hug from Behind
This past year at a Pagan conference Michigan, I was standing at one of the registration tables getting my badge holder set up. Someone ran up to me from behind and said, “Shauna!” and wrapped their arms around me. I was kind of half standing up by then, but I had no idea who was behind me. I had to keep myself from my body’s automatic reflex which was to turn and shove.

It turned out to be someone that I know, but, let me just articulate that this is several degrees worse than an unasked-for hug from the front. It doesn’t matter if you know me…if you come running at me from behind and touch me, and I don’t know who you are, some of us find that to be really threatening or at least unnerving.

There’s a list of maybe five people where I’d be ok with them wrapping their arms around me when I can’t see them, and in all of those cases, I’d need to know who it was ahead of time. In other words–that type of physical intimacy is really not ok with me in a public place where it could be anyone.

I talked to a friend who had the same thing happen at a convention. She was in the vendors room when someone came up to her from behind to hug her. She was talking to a vendor at that time. She stood up straight and said, “That better be my husband.” The vendor smirked and said, “Or someone really cute.”

My friend put it really succinctly. How is it–in any way–ok just because the person doing it is cute?

You might see this as just innocent hijinks. Just someone teasing someone else. That if someone is saying no, that they aren’t ok with being touched like that, that they are a spoil-sport. I would say that someone unknown to me touching me in a way that I didn’t consent to is getting pretty close to assault.

And yet, we make exceptions. It’s just a convention, it’s just a festival, it’s just Pagans…

Let’s rewind. It’s not ok. Just because you want it to be ok for you to touch someone without asking, doesn’t make it ok. Ask before you touch. Always.

Cleavage is not Consent
So here’s another thing that happened to me at a Pagan convention. I was hanging out with some friends who like to drink and party. I don’t really drink, but, I wanted to spend time with my friends. They were a little more rowdy than I was, but I was basically all right with that. I’m not really a party animal, but this was the only way I’d get to hang out with these particular people.

One of the alcoholic substances in their ensemble was that they had some spray whipped cream cans with chocolate liquor whipped cream.

That particular evening, I was wearing something that showed off my cleavage. At some point as things got rowdier and the laughing went up a few decibels, after I’d declined yet another offer of a drink, my friends reached over and sprayed chocolate whipped cream on my cleavage and told their friend to lick it off.

Now–let’s hit pause for a moment. One of the things I hear a lot when people are denouncing victims of harassment is, “Well, why didn’t you say no?”

In this particular instance, everything happened so fast, there wasn’t time to say no. By the time I had even taken a breath to speak, their friend was already doing what they had told him to do. Let me describe one of the least sexy moments of my life. I felt like I was watching my own body from far away. I couldn’t even really feel what the guy was doing because I just completely disassociated from the physical sensation in shock.

By the time I’d even wrapped my brain around what was happening, it was done.

Speaking Up
In neither of these cases did I speak up and say, “I’m not ok with what you did, you violated my physical boundaries.” In neither of these cases did I complain to the staff or security. Why? Well–because these were my friends, right? They didn’t mean any harm, I was just taking it the wrong way, I was just oversensitive, I was just a stick in the mud and they were more party animals, right?

We have to stop raising up on a pedestal this idea that people who speak up about their boundaries are spoiling people’s fun and thus, deserving of victim blaming and derision.

I didn’t say anything because I knew they’d just roll their eyes and think I was overreacting. And it never occurred to me to talk to security. Thing is, I know that these folks didn’t mean any harm by their actions. But this is a form of sexual harassment nonetheless.

I want to point your attention to this fine article addressing harassment policies from scifi conventions that could be adapted for Pagan events.  http://wildhunt.org/2014/04/addressing-safety-at-pagan-conventions-and-festivals.html

The article addresses different types of inappropriate behavior and a potential range of consequences.

The article outlines the “Costume is not Consent” campaign at CONvergence, a scifi/fantasy convention. And while most harassment complaints come from women, I’m pleased that this article references the “kilt checks” that happen at events. If you’re unfamiliar with a kilt check, it’s where a woman (or group of women) will go up to a man or men dressed in kilts and, often without their permission, reach up under their kilt to grope them to see if they have underwear on under the kilt or if they are going “regimental style.”

All in good fun, most people would say…except, again we’re looking at totally violating someone’s physical boundaries without consent.

Kissing/Flirting/Groping
Here’s another example from my distant past. And, until talking about harassment with others in the past weeks, I never thought of this as harassment. I never would have labeled it as such, and yet I have to now acknowledge it for what it was.

And once again–this wasn’t someone with malicious intent. It was someone who really wasn’t good at respecting physical boundaries.

I was 18, and I was attending my first Scifi/Fantasy convention. As it happens–this particular convention happened at the same hotel that CONvergence (the scifi/fantasy convention referenced above) is located at. This was the conference that predated CONvergence.

Anyhoo. A friend of mine told me about this event and I met up with her at the hotel. It was my first year of college in Minneapolis. After going through the registration line, my friend was introducing me to some other friends of hers, including a very flirty guy she knew from the Renaissance Faire.

I’m not entirely sure how this all happened so fast, but we went from him admiring my necklace, to him kissing me in front of the whole registration line.

This was the first time I’d ever been kissed. In fact, this was the first time anyone had really flirted with me. So, I was really conflicted and confused. I had terrible self esteem at the time. I’d always been the fat kid, the social reject. So I figured it was some kind of freaking miracle that a guy was actually interested in me. And yet, I also was wondering where the fireworks were, and why I wasn’t enjoying what was going on.

Hours after, I was still frowning and mulling on the encounter. Being who I am, I wrote about it. I kept wondering over and over why it hadn’t been hot.

During the rest of the convention, whenever this particular guy saw me, he would find excuses to touch me, to try and make out with me. And every time, I kept thinking, gosh, I should be grateful that this guy is interested. In fact, I seriously considered having sex with him just because he was the only guy who had ever shown any physical interest in me.

But something felt wrong about it. I kept thinking over and over, why isn’t this hot? Shouldn’t this be hot? What’s wrong with me that this isn’t sexy?

It’s been almost 20 years since this happened, and I only have just been able to wrap my mind around why this entire series of experiences troubled me.

I didn’t consent to any of it.

I wasn’t interested in this guy, and his continued attempts to get me to agree to more physical intimacy had me kind of squicked out. I thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t interested. It never occurred to me that I wasn’t interested and that him pressing me for more touching and making out was turning me off.

Now–let me also take a step back. I’m fully aware that I did not verbally, directly tell this man to stop during most of these episodes. And–when he did start to go to far and I said it was time to stop, he did. However, during the course of this weekend, this man continued pressuring me for more physical intimacy, and I’m really clear that I was not giving him the physical signals of enthusiastic consent. I was probably giving the signals of “nervous/confused/shy/overwhelmed.”

While I don’t think this guy meant me any harm, I also think that he, and many people like him, unconsciously go for the shy, nervous folks who are afraid to say no.

Shy, Nervous–Predatory
Now, I get it. If you’re a geek or otherwise shy, nervous, and not really very confident in your physical appeal, there’s a tendency to go for others who are shy or nervous. Trust me, I understand–I’m a geeky mess of shyness and awkwardness.

However, there’s a point where targeting the shy/nervous/low-self-confident person in the room can start to veer into predatory behavior.

I have several times hosted Pagan events where there was someone (typically a man) who was hitting on the shyest, youngest, or most vulnerable woman at the event. At one event in particular there was a man who already had a track record of having broken a few hearts by misrepresenting himself (he identified as polyamorous but didn’t bother to tell that to the women he was with, so they thought they were dating, and he was just playing the field). He was hanging around a young woman who had just experienced her first ecstatic ritual. She was a little out of it. We made sure she got home safely, but with that event, I finally noticed his pattern.

He went for the young, pretty, shy girls with low self esteem.

My own ex, similarly, has gone for students in classes of his or people who attended events and festivals where they met him in context as a teacher/leader. There are a number of times when he was with–or he hit on–women who were shy, or who had low self confidence.

And ultimately, this is why boundaries and consent are really important–because, if we have a culture of consent, if we know what physical boundary-pushing is very much not ok, then participants are more empowered to say that. To say, “I’m not ok with this.” And if the behavior continues, to be empowered to talk to one of the event staff for help.

When we have confusing physical boundaries, when we’re afraid of speaking up for fear of offending someone, that’s what opens the door for the worse predatory behavior. The boundary pushing I mentioned above is what I’d call naive or unintentional harassment.

For instance, I have a few friends that are really touchy feely. They like to take your hand or grip your shoulder or lean in for a big long hug. They don’t mean anything by it. But, if we don’t talk about these things, if we don’t begin to respect each other’s physical boundaries, we’re making a lot more room for the genuine creepers to slip through the cracks.

Another fine blog post, this one on negotiating boundaries.
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/sermonsfromthemound/2014/04/consent-culture-101-basic-practices-and-teaching-games/

While the primary exercise listed is geared for children to explore boundaries, I’d offer that a similar exercise for adults would be excellent work. In fact, in some of the sex magic intensives that friends of mine have experienced, 75% of the workshop was negotiating trust and boundaries. Before any physical touch happened, they did a more adult-adapted version of the boundaries exercises in the above blog post.

In some ways, it’s really simple. And sometimes, the simplest work is the hardest. We have to learn to say no. And, we have to know that our “no” is going to be respected. That we won’t be teased for it. That people won’t roll their eyes or tell us we’re overreacting. Our “no” must be respected.

Only if “no” is respected does “yes” have any meaning.

 

 

 


Filed under: Leadership, Pagan Community, Personal Growth

Harassment and Boundaries

3481712_xlTechnically this is part of my Pagans and Predators series, but in this case, I’m largely not talking about intentional predators. I’m talking about the ambient harassment and physical boundary-pushing that happens at every Pagan event out there, to a certain extent.

It’s worse at some events than at others.

I’m going to describe a few situations I’ve found myself in at Pagan events, and at some science fiction and fantasy conventions, that I would consider to be in violation of my physical boundaries. In other words, harassment, or even the mild side of physical assault.

And at the time, I didn’t say anything. I didn’t speak up. In some of these cases, I didn’t even realize it was harassment until later.

As more women have started coming forward to speak out about being raped or harassed, I notice that there’s this cultural idea that women wake up the next day after having sex and suddenly, arbitrarily decide, “No, I didn’t want that. I didn’t really consent, I’m going to accuse this guy of rape.” There’s even ads out there, “Don’t be that girl.”

As I’ve posted in past articles on sex and ethics, the idea of being sex positive is a complicated one. Women, for instance, are simultaneously pressured by the dominant culture to be sexualized and sex objects, and pressured to not have sex because it’s “wrong” or “sinful.” And then the pressures of the sex positive movement is that sex isn’t “wrong” or “sinful” and women should enjoy sex…but, there’s a pressuring in that too.

And it’s not just women facing these pressures.

At Pagan events like conferences and festivals, and at other subculture events I’ve attended like science fiction and fantasy conventions, there’s varying levels of pressure to be ok with sex. The idea that being sex positive means that casual touch is ok.

Or, the more insidious side of the supposedly sex-positive culture is, “If you don’t like sex you’re a prude, you’re bad.”

Looking back, I’ve put up with a lot of touching and inappropriate comments under the auspices of not wanting to be “that girl.” Not wanting to be the party pooper, the prude, the person who was no fun. That’s a label I’ve held in my life and it’s one I’ve avoided getting stuck with.

But when I review certain situations, I see where I really wanted to say, “I’m not ok with this,” and I didn’t because I was afraid of offending people and being labeled the party pooper.

And that’s the communal problem we have–it’s the peer pressuring that we don’t even realize we’re engaging in that makes someone allow touching and other behavior that they aren’t ok with, for fear of being labeled (and thusly, rejected) for being “the party pooper.”

Boundaries
And as long as we see holding boundaries as someone who is ruining the group’s fun, we’re going to keep running into these problems.

If you want a quick review of what I mean by boundaries, and particularly the difficulty with poor boundaries in terms of people pleasing, one of my past blog posts might help. In the second half of the article I especially talk about the issues of boundaries and people pleasing. In other words–we are afraid to say “no” because it will offend someone.
http://shaunaaura.wordpress.com/2014/03/10/authenticity-boundaries-shadows/

What would happen if we, instead, honored and respected someone’s boundaries? If we asked them if it was ok before trying to hug them, if we respected someone’s desire to not drink alcohol or smoke without teasing them. What if instead of complaining about all the nasty jokes we can’t tell because then someone will complain, what if instead of worrying about how all these boundaries are going to spoil our fun, we look at the community we keep saying we want to be part of?

If we want a sex positive community and culture, that means we have to respect people’s boundaries.

Touching people without their consent is not sex positive. Telling people they are ruining the group’s fun and that they are ashamed of their sexuality because they don’t want to be groped in public is not sex positive.

Examples:

Hugging
Yes, there’s that axiom; “Pagans hug, you’ll get use to it.” And, I have. I just kind of freeze over my body when people I don’t know come up and hug me without asking me. Truthfully, I don’t mind a short hug. I don’t like a long hug with someone I don’t know well. In fact, I don’t generally like much physical contact with people I don’t know well. People who genuinely like hugging don’t get this about people who don’t like hugging. How can you not like hugging?

Thing is–it’s an issue of consent. At the very least, offer someone the chance to decline the hug without any major drama. I always appreciate it when someone asks if I’m ok with a hug, particularly if I’m at a Pagan festival and my shoulders are sunburned. Generally I’m fine with a quick hug. Some folks I know really  find it uncomfortable to be hugged. For instance, some folks on the autism spectrum find physical touch to be extremely distressing.

The reason doesn’t matter, and you don’t need to know if someone’s triggered by touch because of sexual assault or if they just don’t like to be touched. People who don’t like physical touch don’t need to be “fixed.”

If I’m being really truthful, I’d probably decline more hugs at events if I weren’t concerned that I’d offend people. However, I’m in that gray area where, while I don’t prefer random hugs, I can also be generally ok with them. But I’m a lot more ok with them if someone asks first.

Hug from Behind
This past year at a Pagan conference Michigan, I was standing at one of the registration tables getting my badge holder set up. Someone ran up to me from behind and said, “Shauna!” and wrapped their arms around me. I was kind of half standing up by then, but I had no idea who was behind me. I had to keep myself from my body’s automatic reflex which was to turn and shove.

It turned out to be someone that I know, but, let me just articulate that this is several degrees worse than an unasked-for hug from the front. It doesn’t matter if you know me…if you come running at me from behind and touch me, and I don’t know who you are, some of us find that to be really threatening or at least unnerving.

There’s a list of maybe five people where I’d be ok with them wrapping their arms around me when I can’t see them, and in all of those cases, I’d need to know who it was ahead of time. In other words–that type of physical intimacy is really not ok with me in a public place where it could be anyone.

I talked to a friend who had the same thing happen at a convention. She was in the vendors room when someone came up to her from behind to hug her. She was talking to a vendor at that time. She stood up straight and said, “That better be my husband.” The vendor smirked and said, “Or someone really cute.”

My friend put it really succinctly. How is it–in any way–ok just because the person doing it is cute?

You might see this as just innocent hijinks. Just someone teasing someone else. That if someone is saying no, that they aren’t ok with being touched like that, that they are a spoil-sport. I would say that someone unknown to me touching me in a way that I didn’t consent to is getting pretty close to assault.

And yet, we make exceptions. It’s just a convention, it’s just a festival, it’s just Pagans…

Let’s rewind. It’s not ok. Just because you want it to be ok for you to touch someone without asking, doesn’t make it ok. Ask before you touch. Always.

Cleavage is not Consent
So here’s another thing that happened to me at a Pagan convention. I was hanging out with some friends who like to drink and party. I don’t really drink, but, I wanted to spend time with my friends. They were a little more rowdy than I was, but I was basically all right with that. I’m not really a party animal, but this was the only way I’d get to hang out with these particular people.

One of the alcoholic substances in their ensemble was that they had some spray whipped cream cans with chocolate liquor whipped cream.

That particular evening, I was wearing something that showed off my cleavage. At some point as things got rowdier and the laughing went up a few decibels, after I’d declined yet another offer of a drink, my friends reached over and sprayed chocolate whipped cream on my cleavage and told their friend to lick it off.

Now–let’s hit pause for a moment. One of the things I hear a lot when people are denouncing victims of harassment is, “Well, why didn’t you say no?”

In this particular instance, everything happened so fast, there wasn’t time to say no. By the time I had even taken a breath to speak, their friend was already doing what they had told him to do. Let me describe one of the least sexy moments of my life. I felt like I was watching my own body from far away. I couldn’t even really feel what the guy was doing because I just completely disassociated from the physical sensation in shock.

By the time I’d even wrapped my brain around what was happening, it was done.

Speaking Up
In neither of these cases did I speak up and say, “I’m not ok with what you did, you violated my physical boundaries.” In neither of these cases did I complain to the staff or security. Why? Well–because these were my friends, right? They didn’t mean any harm, I was just taking it the wrong way, I was just oversensitive, I was just a stick in the mud and they were more party animals, right?

We have to stop raising up on a pedestal this idea that people who speak up about their boundaries are spoiling people’s fun and thus, deserving of victim blaming and derision.

I didn’t say anything because I knew they’d just roll their eyes and think I was overreacting. And it never occurred to me to talk to security. Thing is, I know that these folks didn’t mean any harm by their actions. But this is a form of sexual harassment nonetheless.

I want to point your attention to this fine article addressing harassment policies from scifi conventions that could be adapted for Pagan events.  http://wildhunt.org/2014/04/addressing-safety-at-pagan-conventions-and-festivals.html

The article addresses different types of inappropriate behavior and a potential range of consequences.

The article outlines the “Costume is not Consent” campaign at CONvergence, a scifi/fantasy convention. And while most harassment complaints come from women, I’m pleased that this article references the “kilt checks” that happen at events. If you’re unfamiliar with a kilt check, it’s where a woman (or group of women) will go up to a man or men dressed in kilts and, often without their permission, reach up under their kilt to grope them to see if they have underwear on under the kilt or if they are going “regimental style.”

All in good fun, most people would say…except, again we’re looking at totally violating someone’s physical boundaries without consent.

Kissing/Flirting/Groping
Here’s another example from my distant past. And, until talking about harassment with others in the past weeks, I never thought of this as harassment. I never would have labeled it as such, and yet I have to now acknowledge it for what it was.

And once again–this wasn’t someone with malicious intent. It was someone who really wasn’t good at respecting physical boundaries.

I was 18, and I was attending my first Scifi/Fantasy convention. As it happens–this particular convention happened at the same hotel that CONvergence (the scifi/fantasy convention referenced above) is located at. This was the conference that predated CONvergence.

Anyhoo. A friend of mine told me about this event and I met up with her at the hotel. It was my first year of college in Minneapolis. After going through the registration line, my friend was introducing me to some other friends of hers, including a very flirty guy she knew from the Renaissance Faire.

I’m not entirely sure how this all happened so fast, but we went from him admiring my necklace, to him kissing me in front of the whole registration line.

This was the first time I’d ever been kissed. In fact, this was the first time anyone had really flirted with me. So, I was really conflicted and confused. I had terrible self esteem at the time. I’d always been the fat kid, the social reject. So I figured it was some kind of freaking miracle that a guy was actually interested in me. And yet, I also was wondering where the fireworks were, and why I wasn’t enjoying what was going on.

Hours after, I was still frowning and mulling on the encounter. Being who I am, I wrote about it. I kept wondering over and over why it hadn’t been hot.

During the rest of the convention, whenever this particular guy saw me, he would find excuses to touch me, to try and make out with me. And every time, I kept thinking, gosh, I should be grateful that this guy is interested. In fact, I seriously considered having sex with him just because he was the only guy who had ever shown any physical interest in me.

But something felt wrong about it. I kept thinking over and over, why isn’t this hot? Shouldn’t this be hot? What’s wrong with me that this isn’t sexy?

It’s been almost 20 years since this happened, and I only have just been able to wrap my mind around why this entire series of experiences troubled me.

I didn’t consent to any of it.

I wasn’t interested in this guy, and his continued attempts to get me to agree to more physical intimacy had me kind of squicked out. I thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t interested. It never occurred to me that I wasn’t interested and that him pressing me for more touching and making out was turning me off.

Now–let me also take a step back. I’m fully aware that I did not verbally, directly tell this man to stop during most of these episodes. And–when he did start to go to far and I said it was time to stop, he did. However, during the course of this weekend, this man continued pressuring me for more physical intimacy, and I’m really clear that I was not giving him the physical signals of enthusiastic consent. I was probably giving the signals of “nervous/confused/shy/overwhelmed.”

While I don’t think this guy meant me any harm, I also think that he, and many people like him, unconsciously go for the shy, nervous folks who are afraid to say no.

Shy, Nervous–Predatory
Now, I get it. If you’re a geek or otherwise shy, nervous, and not really very confident in your physical appeal, there’s a tendency to go for others who are shy or nervous. Trust me, I understand–I’m a geeky mess of shyness and awkwardness.

However, there’s a point where targeting the shy/nervous/low-self-confident person in the room can start to veer into predatory behavior.

I have several times hosted Pagan events where there was someone (typically a man) who was hitting on the shyest, youngest, or most vulnerable woman at the event. At one event in particular there was a man who already had a track record of having broken a few hearts by misrepresenting himself (he identified as polyamorous but didn’t bother to tell that to the women he was with, so they thought they were dating, and he was just playing the field). He was hanging around a young woman who had just experienced her first ecstatic ritual. She was a little out of it. We made sure she got home safely, but with that event, I finally noticed his pattern.

He went for the young, pretty, shy girls with low self esteem.

My own ex, similarly, has gone for students in classes of his or people who attended events and festivals where they met him in context as a teacher/leader. There are a number of times when he was with–or he hit on–women who were shy, or who had low self confidence.

And ultimately, this is why boundaries and consent are really important–because, if we have a culture of consent, if we know what physical boundary-pushing is very much not ok, then participants are more empowered to say that. To say, “I’m not ok with this.” And if the behavior continues, to be empowered to talk to one of the event staff for help.

When we have confusing physical boundaries, when we’re afraid of speaking up for fear of offending someone, that’s what opens the door for the worse predatory behavior. The boundary pushing I mentioned above is what I’d call naive or unintentional harassment.

For instance, I have a few friends that are really touchy feely. They like to take your hand or grip your shoulder or lean in for a big long hug. They don’t mean anything by it. But, if we don’t talk about these things, if we don’t begin to respect each other’s physical boundaries, we’re making a lot more room for the genuine creepers to slip through the cracks.

Another fine blog post, this one on negotiating boundaries.
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/sermonsfromthemound/2014/04/consent-culture-101-basic-practices-and-teaching-games/

While the primary exercise listed is geared for children to explore boundaries, I’d offer that a similar exercise for adults would be excellent work. In fact, in some of the sex magic intensives that friends of mine have experienced, 75% of the workshop was negotiating trust and boundaries. Before any physical touch happened, they did a more adult-adapted version of the boundaries exercises in the above blog post.

In some ways, it’s really simple. And sometimes, the simplest work is the hardest. We have to learn to say no. And, we have to know that our “no” is going to be respected. That we won’t be teased for it. That people won’t roll their eyes or tell us we’re overreacting. Our “no” must be respected.

Only if “no” is respected does “yes” have any meaning.

 

 

 


Filed under: Leadership, Pagan Community, Personal Growth

Predators 4: Amputate

551251_16701146_notifyWinterdoveWhen we’re talking true predators, we’re talking about a cancer. In most cases, there is no fixing them, no healing them. Or at least–the likelihood is so tiny, it’s not worth trying. If we’re talking about people who sexually molest children, their rate of recidivism is so high that they are generally considered incurable. And there’s a host of other issues that play into addiction and personality disorders.

I hope that some day there are ways to help these people, because for some of them, it’s just how their brains formed. It wasn’t their fault, but now they are stuck with it. For others, their own systematic abuse as children may have made them, in turn, an abuser.

The point is–once you’ve identified a predator in your community, you need to take an action. You need to amputate them from your community, from their hunting ground.

And in the Pagan community (or rather, overlapping communities) this is pretty difficult to do. The “easiest” scenario (and it’s in no way easy) is if you observe directly predatory behavior in a member of your group, you have a group policy for what to do, and you tell that person they are no longer welcome.

Let’s be clear; most Pagan groups out there can’t even do that. Most Pagan groups aren’t willing to kick someone out, even for incredibly bad behavior.

But let’s assume that your group has that policy and you’ve witnessed this behavior and it’s a pretty cut and dried thing. Maybe someone was clearly not respecting an adult woman’s firmly stated “No” and touched her inappropriately. You talk about it, you remove the person from the group. But then you face the next step, which is that you really want to communicate to other local group leaders about this person so that they are aware. Except, even though you’ve worked out this great process for what to do with predators, the other group leaders shame you for spreading malicious gossip.

Now let’s work with a worse case scenario. Let’s say the predator is a coven leader or other group leader, or a big name Pagan author.

I’ve written at length how you can’t really “make” a Pagan group leader stop running a group. And, how standing up and speaking out against them is more likely to make you look like a jerk. The same thing for speaking out against a Pagan presenter or author. In fact, sometimes moreso. Many predators are charismatic, and any charismatic leader gains a following that gets stuck in that cognitive dissonance.

“Because ____ is awesome, this person must be lying about being abused.” Basic brain process.

Even if you manage to convince people that this person did something, many will be convinced that this person can get better, they can change.

Who Can Change?
I’m certainly an advocate of personal growth. Ten years ago I’d never have had the public speaking skills to teach workshops. Heck, I could barely attend events I was so shy. People can change, but as we talked about in the last post, sometimes they are pretty much unlikely to. I was recently “victim blamed” by my ex’s (Mark) fiance. She went on about how if I’d just hung in there, if I’d just worked harder to help him heal…

And I hear from people who tell me that he says he’s healed, that he’s done all this personal work. Well–and I know this will be a shock to you–but I’ve heard that before.

I put up with 3 years of “baby I’ll be better.” I put up with him going to therapy and trying to get help, only to backslide into worse behavior. In fact, that’s basically the pattern of every domestic abuse situation out there. I don’t mean to be a fatalist, only a realist. And I won that realism clawing my way up until my fingers bled from it.

Mark–like many abusers–may feel like he’s “healed” now, but I’m reasonably sure he’ll screw up again. The problem is, his screw ups are always just on the side of “we can brush that under the rug, it’s just stuff within the privacy of his relationships.” Or, “Cheating isn’t being a predator.” Or, “Flirting isn’t being a predator.”

In fact, Mark, like many abusers, is made all the more dangerous because of his periods of reasonableness. There are moments where he gets centered, where he realizes what he’s done, when he apologizes. Where he makes the grandiose gesture.

And–let’s face it. Most of us want people to be healed. We like this person, otherwise we wouldn’t have put up with the abuse in the first place. We want to believe that this time it worked. But what this does is give them yet another opportunity to hurt more people. When people see the “sane, grounded” version of an abuser, they soften. “Well, he’s getting help, so….”

And thus we enable.

I am nauseated by how I fell for this, how I enabled Mark to continue to hurt others, how I put my own community at risk. My own terror of being alone forever was something I placed above the good of the community, and I can’t take that back. All I can do is move forward and try to help build healthier communities, and own where I made my mistakes.

To be fair, I stayed with Mark and worked to help him because I thought, if he just got some help, what an amazing leader he could be. I had the hubris of, “I can help fix him.”

I no longer have such hubris. And so we come back to why abusers need to be excised, amputated, and cut off.

Festivals and Conferences
A month ago, I was at Convocation in Detroit. Mark was there presenting with his fiance. Now, to be fair, I have never complained about Mark being a presenter to the Convocation staff. I never felt like that would be a useful thing to do. I knew that the con staff was aware of him and keeping an eye on him, but I never made a formal complaint.

However, that will change. Mark’s fiance offered a women’s trance dance that was intended to get women into such a vulnerable state that they were encouraged to bring someone with them to hold them and care for them after. Can we count the thousand ways how this is inappropriate, to give someone like Mark–who has a history of targeting vulnerable women–access to this? THIS IS NOT OK.

And, once I wrap my brain around what to say, I’ll be messaging the folks who organize Convocation to address the issue. I think they–like many event organizers–do a great job, but all of us–group leaders, event organizers, everyone–we need to take a hard look at the predatory behavior and be willing to cut it off. Yes, it means we’ll lose some amazing teachers. Yes, we’ll lose some resources.

But what are the alternatives?

Amputate
In theory, the amputation process is fairly straightforward. Identify problem person, kick them out of a group, and alert other local groups. Or, if it’s a local group leader, gather together other local leaders to discuss, and agree to cut that leader off. Or, if it’s a Pagan teacher, agree that this teacher’s inappropriate behavior is grounds for them to not teach at events, and/or not attend future events.

There’s a more specific process outlined on this blog http://saltyourbones.wordpress.com/2014/03/28/on-outing-abusers/ that references a process outlined by TheGeekyBlonde on a  video about how communities should deal with abuse.

I’ll quote some from the above blog:
“Step 1 – Amputate:
 Cut offending members off from the community in all forms so that they cannot continue to influence them, abuse or manipulate members, etc. Don’t attempt to rationalize their behavior. Don’t attempt to “separate the man from the material” because both have proven to be problematic and dangerous in one regard or another. Cut him off from the community….

Step 2 – Vaccinate: Let the rest of the community know that these types of people, behaviors, and actions should not (and will not) be tolerated and are detrimental to our community in all forms. Educate as to why they are harmful and problematic and why they cannot be acceptable in a healthy community.”

Amputating Kenny Klein
Even if he isn’t sent to jail for a thousand years, Kenny Klein is finished in the Pagan community. He admitted to possession of child pornography, though he has not yet been convicted, and many people have come forward to speak about how he abused them as teenagers. The cat is out of the bag.

However, he’s still got books out, and CDs out. Taylor Ellwood and Immanion Press pulled Kenny’s book “The Flowering Rod,” Green Egg pulled his work, and Witches and Pagans pulled his blog. Sacred Harvest Festival announced that Kenny would not be teaching there this summer. I think that that’s a great first step. Llewellyn has ceased selling copies of Kenny Klein’s books.

A number of folks have balked at this, saying that Kenny Klein is innocent until proven guilty. And in almost every case, I’d be with them on that. Except, in this case, there’s two factors. Factor one is, he admitted to it.

Factor two is, we have all these people coming forward speaking about how he abused them.

What is Guilty?
Now, let’s take a step back, and imagine that we’re trying to remove a Pagan teacher/author where there isn’t a legal case. Maybe we have some allegations of unwanted touch, but no witnesses. Or a series of other allegations that are basically unable to be proven.

Sometimes, an allegation is just that. Sometimes it’s a squabble from a breakup. And other times, there’s a documentable pattern. And maybe it’s not illegal, but isn’t there a point when this behavior becomes grounds for people to cut someone off?

At what point do Pagan bookstores, Pagan publishers, and Pagan festivals and conferences have the obligation to stop promoting a particular author/speaker’s work?

Pulling Books and Role Models
When Taylor Ellwood and I were on Pagan Musings Podcast, Taylor summed up his reasons for why he pulled Kenny’s book. I’ll paraphrase. He offered that Immanion Press is a community resource there to serve the Pagan community. And Kenny Klein’s book “The Flowering Rod” was a guide for, among other things, how men should ethically behave in the Pagan community, and Kenny’s actions do not support the values in the book. Taylor felt it would be hypocritical to carry that book. Taylor also pointed out that as he and I are currently editing an anthology on Pagan leadership for Immanion Press, it would be further hypocritical of Immanion to carry Kenny’s title.

I agree with something else Taylor said–that Pagan leaders and authors should be role models. Gods know I screw up, I’m human. But, I work hard to be that, to be a role model. And when I screw up, I work to be better.

There are presenters I’d never hire or recommend because of things I know that they’ve done, but I have no physical proof. There are leaders that I avoid, or actively dissuade people from working with, for the same reasons.

But there has to come a point when we can’t just bury our heads in the sand, when we have to be willing to cut someone off.

What is Abuse?
I’ve asked this before. What behavior constitutes abuse that is “enough?” What’s bad enough to get someone kicked out of an event or removed as a teacher? Where does it cross that fuzzy gray area into actionable? Sleeping with students (of age) isn’t illegal. And hitting on people til they are uncomfortable is not seen as a problem in the Pagan community under the sex positive excuse. Lying, emotional manipulation…none of these on their own seem like grounds to kick someone out.

And that’s why this is going to have to be part of a longer, ongoing conversation. Because, I do not think it is in any way reasonable to say, “That’s just domestic abuse.”

Standing Up: Silent Voices
That’s why I made the decision to speak out about my ex, Mark. That’s why I’m not backing down from his threat of a libel lawsuit. That’s why I’m not letting the victim blaming on my Facebook page stop me.

I’m a published author, I’m a public speaker, I’m somewhat well known in some circles of the Pagan community, and even with all of that, I’m still dealing with the worst aspects of speaking out against an abuser.

I cannot even imagine trying to do this if I were just an event attendee or a group member. Several women have told me, “I can’t post about this publicly, but Mark did…” And, I wish I could get them to post. To speak out. To lend their voices. But I understand their fear.

And so many women felt like it was nothing major, nothing they should bother reporting. “He was out at the conference/festival in the wee hours while you were sleeping, and he was hitting on me in a way that made me uncomfortable. I didn’t think you guys were polyamorous but he made it sound like you were. I didn’t want to mention it to you at the time, but I wish I had…”

I have found one of my greatest struggles these past years is finding the balance to acknowledge two simultaneous things. Yes, I have heard from many people who have experienced horrific abuse. Nauseating and violent abuse. Abuse they will never physically recover from. What Mark did to me was not that. I acknowledge that what he did, in the grand scheme of things, was not  as bad as that. And yet, I also acknowledge that what he did to me was still abuse. There are a number of people who have taken it upon themselves to tell me that what I experienced was not “real” abuse. That isn’t true. It wasn’t violent, and I have the deepest compassion for people who have gone through more horrific abuse than I did. But what I went through is still abuse, and his behavior towards women is still predatory.

And so for all those women that he hurt that I know of, and for all those that I don’t know of, that’s why I’m posting about these issues, and about the specifics with my ex.

So even if I sound like the crazy ex, I cannot not speak out about his actions. And maybe it’s “just” domestic abuse, but I don’t want to support that being in my community. People like Mark need to be amputated from the community and from their feeding ground.

I wish to the gods he could be healed, because he could be one of the most amazing Pagan leaders and teachers out there. But after 3 years of “Baby, I’m sorry, I’ll do better, don’t leave me” and all the other reasons I stayed and gave him another chance for those moments when he seemed like he was getting better–there’s a time to cut the tumor off.

 

 


Filed under: Leadership, Pagan Community, Personal Growth

Predators 4: Amputate

551251_16701146_notifyWinterdoveWhen we’re talking true predators, we’re talking about a cancer. In most cases, there is no fixing them, no healing them. Or at least–the likelihood is so tiny, it’s not worth trying. If we’re talking about people who sexually molest children, their rate of recidivism is so high that they are generally considered incurable. And there’s a host of other issues that play into addiction and personality disorders.

I hope that some day there are ways to help these people, because for some of them, it’s just how their brains formed. It wasn’t their fault, but now they are stuck with it. For others, their own systematic abuse as children may have made them, in turn, an abuser.

The point is–once you’ve identified a predator in your community, you need to take an action. You need to amputate them from your community, from their hunting ground.

And in the Pagan community (or rather, overlapping communities) this is pretty difficult to do. The “easiest” scenario (and it’s in no way easy) is if you observe directly predatory behavior in a member of your group, you have a group policy for what to do, and you tell that person they are no longer welcome.

Let’s be clear; most Pagan groups out there can’t even do that. Most Pagan groups aren’t willing to kick someone out, even for incredibly bad behavior.

But let’s assume that your group has that policy and you’ve witnessed this behavior and it’s a pretty cut and dried thing. Maybe someone was clearly not respecting an adult woman’s firmly stated “No” and touched her inappropriately. You talk about it, you remove the person from the group. But then you face the next step, which is that you really want to communicate to other local group leaders about this person so that they are aware. Except, even though you’ve worked out this great process for what to do with predators, the other group leaders shame you for spreading malicious gossip.

Now let’s work with a worse case scenario. Let’s say the predator is a coven leader or other group leader, or a big name Pagan author.

I’ve written at length how you can’t really “make” a Pagan group leader stop running a group. And, how standing up and speaking out against them is more likely to make you look like a jerk. The same thing for speaking out against a Pagan presenter or author. In fact, sometimes moreso. Many predators are charismatic, and any charismatic leader gains a following that gets stuck in that cognitive dissonance.

“Because ____ is awesome, this person must be lying about being abused.” Basic brain process.

Even if you manage to convince people that this person did something, many will be convinced that this person can get better, they can change.

Who Can Change?
I’m certainly an advocate of personal growth. Ten years ago I’d never have had the public speaking skills to teach workshops. Heck, I could barely attend events I was so shy. People can change, but as we talked about in the last post, sometimes they are pretty much unlikely to. I was recently “victim blamed” by my ex’s (Mark) fiance. She went on about how if I’d just hung in there, if I’d just worked harder to help him heal…

And I hear from people who tell me that he says he’s healed, that he’s done all this personal work. Well–and I know this will be a shock to you–but I’ve heard that before.

I put up with 3 years of “baby I’ll be better.” I put up with him going to therapy and trying to get help, only to backslide into worse behavior. In fact, that’s basically the pattern of every domestic abuse situation out there. I don’t mean to be a fatalist, only a realist. And I won that realism clawing my way up until my fingers bled from it.

Mark–like many abusers–may feel like he’s “healed” now, but I’m reasonably sure he’ll screw up again. The problem is, his screw ups are always just on the side of “we can brush that under the rug, it’s just stuff within the privacy of his relationships.” Or, “Cheating isn’t being a predator.” Or, “Flirting isn’t being a predator.”

In fact, Mark, like many abusers, is made all the more dangerous because of his periods of reasonableness. There are moments where he gets centered, where he realizes what he’s done, when he apologizes. Where he makes the grandiose gesture.

And–let’s face it. Most of us want people to be healed. We like this person, otherwise we wouldn’t have put up with the abuse in the first place. We want to believe that this time it worked. But what this does is give them yet another opportunity to hurt more people. When people see the “sane, grounded” version of an abuser, they soften. “Well, he’s getting help, so….”

And thus we enable.

I am nauseated by how I fell for this, how I enabled Mark to continue to hurt others, how I put my own community at risk. My own terror of being alone forever was something I placed above the good of the community, and I can’t take that back. All I can do is move forward and try to help build healthier communities, and own where I made my mistakes.

To be fair, I stayed with Mark and worked to help him because I thought, if he just got some help, what an amazing leader he could be. I had the hubris of, “I can help fix him.”

I no longer have such hubris. And so we come back to why abusers need to be excised, amputated, and cut off.

Festivals and Conferences
A month ago, I was at Convocation in Detroit. Mark was there presenting with his fiance. Now, to be fair, I have never complained about Mark being a presenter to the Convocation staff. I never felt like that would be a useful thing to do. I knew that the con staff was aware of him and keeping an eye on him, but I never made a formal complaint.

However, that will change. Mark’s fiance offered a women’s trance dance that was intended to get women into such a vulnerable state that they were encouraged to bring someone with them to hold them and care for them after. Can we count the thousand ways how this is inappropriate, to give someone like Mark–who has a history of targeting vulnerable women–access to this? THIS IS NOT OK.

And, once I wrap my brain around what to say, I’ll be messaging the folks who organize Convocation to address the issue. I think they–like many event organizers–do a great job, but all of us–group leaders, event organizers, everyone–we need to take a hard look at the predatory behavior and be willing to cut it off. Yes, it means we’ll lose some amazing teachers. Yes, we’ll lose some resources.

But what are the alternatives?

Amputate
In theory, the amputation process is fairly straightforward. Identify problem person, kick them out of a group, and alert other local groups. Or, if it’s a local group leader, gather together other local leaders to discuss, and agree to cut that leader off. Or, if it’s a Pagan teacher, agree that this teacher’s inappropriate behavior is grounds for them to not teach at events, and/or not attend future events.

There’s a more specific process outlined on this blog http://saltyourbones.wordpress.com/2014/03/28/on-outing-abusers/ that references a process outlined by TheGeekyBlonde on a  video about how communities should deal with abuse.

I’ll quote some from the above blog:
“Step 1 – Amputate:
 Cut offending members off from the community in all forms so that they cannot continue to influence them, abuse or manipulate members, etc. Don’t attempt to rationalize their behavior. Don’t attempt to “separate the man from the material” because both have proven to be problematic and dangerous in one regard or another. Cut him off from the community….

Step 2 – Vaccinate: Let the rest of the community know that these types of people, behaviors, and actions should not (and will not) be tolerated and are detrimental to our community in all forms. Educate as to why they are harmful and problematic and why they cannot be acceptable in a healthy community.”

Amputating Kenny Klein
Even if he isn’t sent to jail for a thousand years, Kenny Klein is finished in the Pagan community. He admitted to possession of child pornography, though he has not yet been convicted, and many people have come forward to speak about how he abused them as teenagers. The cat is out of the bag.

However, he’s still got books out, and CDs out. Taylor Ellwood and Immanion Press pulled Kenny’s book “The Flowering Rod,” Green Egg pulled his work, and Witches and Pagans pulled his blog. Sacred Harvest Festival announced that Kenny would not be teaching there this summer. I think that that’s a great first step. Llewellyn has ceased selling copies of Kenny Klein’s books.

A number of folks have balked at this, saying that Kenny Klein is innocent until proven guilty. And in almost every case, I’d be with them on that. Except, in this case, there’s two factors. Factor one is, he admitted to it.

Factor two is, we have all these people coming forward speaking about how he abused them.

What is Guilty?
Now, let’s take a step back, and imagine that we’re trying to remove a Pagan teacher/author where there isn’t a legal case. Maybe we have some allegations of unwanted touch, but no witnesses. Or a series of other allegations that are basically unable to be proven.

Sometimes, an allegation is just that. Sometimes it’s a squabble from a breakup. And other times, there’s a documentable pattern. And maybe it’s not illegal, but isn’t there a point when this behavior becomes grounds for people to cut someone off?

At what point do Pagan bookstores, Pagan publishers, and Pagan festivals and conferences have the obligation to stop promoting a particular author/speaker’s work?

Pulling Books and Role Models
When Taylor Ellwood and I were on Pagan Musings Podcast, Taylor summed up his reasons for why he pulled Kenny’s book. I’ll paraphrase. He offered that Immanion Press is a community resource there to serve the Pagan community. And Kenny Klein’s book “The Flowering Rod” was a guide for, among other things, how men should ethically behave in the Pagan community, and Kenny’s actions do not support the values in the book. Taylor felt it would be hypocritical to carry that book. Taylor also pointed out that as he and I are currently editing an anthology on Pagan leadership for Immanion Press, it would be further hypocritical of Immanion to carry Kenny’s title.

I agree with something else Taylor said–that Pagan leaders and authors should be role models. Gods know I screw up, I’m human. But, I work hard to be that, to be a role model. And when I screw up, I work to be better.

There are presenters I’d never hire or recommend because of things I know that they’ve done, but I have no physical proof. There are leaders that I avoid, or actively dissuade people from working with, for the same reasons.

But there has to come a point when we can’t just bury our heads in the sand, when we have to be willing to cut someone off.

What is Abuse?
I’ve asked this before. What behavior constitutes abuse that is “enough?” What’s bad enough to get someone kicked out of an event or removed as a teacher? Where does it cross that fuzzy gray area into actionable? Sleeping with students (of age) isn’t illegal. And hitting on people til they are uncomfortable is not seen as a problem in the Pagan community under the sex positive excuse. Lying, emotional manipulation…none of these on their own seem like grounds to kick someone out.

And that’s why this is going to have to be part of a longer, ongoing conversation. Because, I do not think it is in any way reasonable to say, “That’s just domestic abuse.”

Standing Up: Silent Voices
That’s why I made the decision to speak out about my ex, Mark. That’s why I’m not backing down from his threat of a libel lawsuit. That’s why I’m not letting the victim blaming on my Facebook page stop me.

I’m a published author, I’m a public speaker, I’m somewhat well known in some circles of the Pagan community, and even with all of that, I’m still dealing with the worst aspects of speaking out against an abuser.

I cannot even imagine trying to do this if I were just an event attendee or a group member. Several women have told me, “I can’t post about this publicly, but Mark did…” And, I wish I could get them to post. To speak out. To lend their voices. But I understand their fear.

And so many women felt like it was nothing major, nothing they should bother reporting. “He was out at the conference/festival in the wee hours while you were sleeping, and he was hitting on me in a way that made me uncomfortable. I didn’t think you guys were polyamorous but he made it sound like you were. I didn’t want to mention it to you at the time, but I wish I had…”

I have found one of my greatest struggles these past years is finding the balance to acknowledge two simultaneous things. Yes, I have heard from many people who have experienced horrific abuse. Nauseating and violent abuse. Abuse they will never physically recover from. What Mark did to me was not that. I acknowledge that what he did, in the grand scheme of things, was not  as bad as that. And yet, I also acknowledge that what he did to me was still abuse. There are a number of people who have taken it upon themselves to tell me that what I experienced was not “real” abuse. That isn’t true. It wasn’t violent, and I have the deepest compassion for people who have gone through more horrific abuse than I did. But what I went through is still abuse, and his behavior towards women is still predatory.

And so for all those women that he hurt that I know of, and for all those that I don’t know of, that’s why I’m posting about these issues, and about the specifics with my ex.

So even if I sound like the crazy ex, I cannot not speak out about his actions. And maybe it’s “just” domestic abuse, but I don’t want to support that being in my community. People like Mark need to be amputated from the community and from their feeding ground.

I wish to the gods he could be healed, because he could be one of the most amazing Pagan leaders and teachers out there. But after 3 years of “Baby, I’m sorry, I’ll do better, don’t leave me” and all the other reasons I stayed and gave him another chance for those moments when he seemed like he was getting better–there’s a time to cut the tumor off.

 

 


Filed under: Leadership, Pagan Community, Personal Growth

Of Pagans and Predators: Part 3

2539113_xlSo in the midst of writing this series, my ex’s fiance posted on my Facebook, and a comment on Part 1, basically doing a textbook codependent dance of enabling. And it was painful to read, because I realize, that was me. Years ago, I was making excuses for Mark. I was the one defending him, because he would say, “If I do it, nobody will listen to me, but if a woman does it, that’ll carry some weight.” I bought it. I drank the Kool-Aid.

And I hear that he’s looking to sue me for libel for what I wrote about him. I heard this via some people who messaged me (this was unsolicited on my part) copied and pasted text of what Mark is posting on his wall.

What does all this bullshit drama mean? It means that I’m becoming a living example of why no victim wants to come forward.

Because this is what you’ll have to put up with. And gods help any victim who isn’t coming from a position of power. I’m an author, I’m a teacher, I have a public voice in the Pagan community. If you’re a newbie, an attendee at an event? I can’t see any way that someone in a power-under position like that would ever risk coming forward.

That being said, we’ve talked a lot about some of the problems. Here are a few beginnings of solutions. Now–none of this is earth shattering. But it’s a start. And it’s hard work and it’s going to take a long time, but if we don’t start, we’ll never get there.

Healthy Boundaries and Self Esteem
I know, I already said this. But as a community, we need healthier boundaries. And I’m not just talking about teaching what’s good touch or bad touch or what’s consent. I’m talking about boundaries and ego from the ground up. That’s big work. Huge work.

But if we each do not do that work–and trust me, this is work I’ve been working on with myself for years–we’re just going to keep spinning our wheels.

I can honestly say that poor boundaries and an unhealthy ego/poor self esteem are probably the grounds for a majority of conflicts that I see in the Pagan community. If each person out there works to get healthy boundaries and training in what consent is, we’ve solved a lot of potential problems right there.

Working With Socially Awkward People
While we’re doing all this personal growth work around boundaries and behaviors, this also offers us the opportunity to help those socially awkward folks who don’t understand that they are crossing other people’s boundaries.

Trust me, as one of those socially awkward folks, I really resonate with this difficulty. While my own behavior probably couldn’t have been described as predatory, I certainly was pretty annoying before I learned more about how to behave socially. And I’ve known people who were genuinely well-meaning who had no idea that they were being offensive or creepy.

I’ve worked with people who had no idea that they were coming across as creepy. Most folks when they find this out will work to adapt their behavior but sometimes need help. However, this type of work does require some discernment, in that

  1. You don’t want to spin your wheels working with someone who isn’t going to change,
  2. You need to be somewhat aware of things such as Aspergers and people who are not neuro-typical. There are ways that Aspergers folks can learn to engage, but that is often a more extensive process of therapy. However, you may be able to help connect them to a resource. You just have to understand that this is different from someone being just awkward; someone with Aspergers actually may not recognize facial cues or body language, and
  3. You don’t want to get into the position of enabling someone to be a predator who is using the excuse of socially awkward.

It’s a fine balance on the edge of a knife to discern some of the differences. However, working with some of our more socially awkward community members can perhaps make the genuinely predatory behavior more clear.

Training in Spotting Predators
One clear solution to protect our children at community events is for each adult to have basic training in how to identify a pedophile. Keep in mind that a number of professionals in the field of therapy and psychology–even therapists who work specifically with sex offenders–will talk about how you can’t always “tell.” However, there are some behaviors that are a pretty solid red flag.

http://www.wikihow.com/Identify-a-Pedophile

Identifying the Unacceptable Behavior
When I teach Pagan leadership, I often talk about basic group agreements as the circle or cauldron that holds your group. What’s ok? What isn’t ok?

Apparently what we really need to do–collectively, to a certain extent, but also within our individual sovereign groups–is identify what behavior is acceptable, and what isn’t. When the behaviors are “fuzzy,” we can’t necessarily agree on whether or not what is happening is wrong, much less what to do about it. 

There are some things that are probably pretty clear–sexually molesting a child is pretty clearly grounds for not only being kicked out of a group but for calling the police. But what about the gray area? What if one of your group members and their partner are consistently getting into screaming fights and you’re worried about one or both parties being in an abusive dynamic? What if a presenter you’ve hired for a festival is really flirtatious at your event, but you’re not really sure if they are respecting boundaries or not?

What if your coven has a tradition of sexual initiation?

A sex temple or group with sexual initiatory practices is probably going to have a different spectrum of acceptable behaviors than a small coven or a group putting on a public festival or conference. Skyclad can work for some groups, and in others it can feel like pressuring people to be oversexualized. Sexual initiation can be totally appropriate in some circumstances. In other circumstances where people feel pressured into it, this can be an abuse of power.

In almost any group without a tradition of sexual initiation, I would say that a pretty good general guideline is that teachers should not be sleeping with students because of the heavily unequal power dynamic. There are exceptions when a peer dynamic has been achieved, but that’s a whole separate post on how to figure that out.

Fuzzy Gray Area
You have to look at what behaviors start to hit that zone in the gray area where it starts to become a red flag, and possibly grounds for someone to be removed from a group or event, or even legal action being taken.

Here’s an example. If someone on my leadership team got arrested for smoking pot, they would not be kicked off my team. Yes, in most states it’s illegal. But, it’s not a behavior that is in itself harmful to others, and states are beginning to decriminalize this.

On the other hand, I don’t allow pot or other illegal drugs at my public events. Why? Well, that should be pretty obvious–it puts all of us at legal risk. One of my leaders who breaks that rule is going to get a stern warning from me, and repeat offenses are probably grounds for asking them to leave. (Plus, I’m allergic to the smoke, so I’ll be cranky because if I smell that I’m going to get a migraine.)

Someone getting into a (verbal) fight with their partner at an event is not in itself grounds to get kicked out, though I might intercede and take them to a private room. However, if that’s happening every time, that’s a red flag.

In one case, I found out that a guy who had some “creepy” tendencies was physically abusing his partner. His creepy behaviors weren’t enough for me to kick him out of the group (yet), but once I found out what was happening with his partner, he is no longer welcome at my events.

Document Those Agreements
Once you and your group members have made agreements around what behavior is a red flag, and what’s grounds for dismissal, it’s time to document that and disseminate it to your group.

Several groups and events out there have policies specifically around consent and sexual abuse, and I hope to get some of those policies together to help other groups craft some “best practices.” But–go ahead and reach out to more established groups and festivals, they may have documents like this that are a place to start. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel.

Process for Complaints
Your agreements need teeth. Part of that is giving people a clear process for how they complain about another group member, a group organizer, or a presenter at your event. If people don’t have a clear way to bring up a complaint, then your agreements are sort of null and void.

Now–just because someone complains doesn’t mean instant guilt. But people do need a way to complain.

I’ll give you three guesses why nobody complained to me about what my ex, Mark, was doing. Because…I was the group leader, he was the other core leader, and we were a couple. None of those women was ever going to feel safe complaining to me about my fiance, not until he was gone. And I shudder to think of how many were too nervous to come forward, or who just left the community in disgust.

In fact, in the time since I posted Part 1, I’ve already heard from another two women who felt that he was making unwelcome sexual advances on them when we were teaching at events.

Document the Complaint
Whatever has gone on, documenting the complaint is a good first step. And I am chagrined to admit that this isn’t something that occurred to me. I’m used to keeping a lot of data in my head, like Person A’s story about Person X, and Person B’s story, and Person C’s story. By the time I have that much data, I don’t need documentation, I know what to do with Person X.

When we were on the Pagan Musings Podcast, Taylor Ellwood brought up the idea of documenting the behaviors witnessed and the complaints received. I’m sure there are formats to do this, and in the coming days and weeks I’ll be working to gather some resources for best practices in that. You can listen to the Podcast here, as it it offered a lot of discussion of many of these issues. http://www.blogtalkradio.com/pagan-musings/2014/03/31/pmp-sex-ethics-abuse-in-the-magickal-world

I think documenting a complaint is good for multiple reasons. One is that if something happens in the future with that person, you’ve got some documentation around it. Also, especially in groups with rotating leadership, one single person won’t always have all the information.

It’s also worth pointing out that if there’s one person who’s always complaining about others, that is also good information to have. While I don’t advocate blaming the victim, sometimes there are people who make it their life’s work to being a professional victim. Still other folks have untreated mental illness such as one of the Paranoid personality disorders. And, you may also just have someone who has an axe to grind. This is why this whole process requires rather a lot of discernment.

Documenting takes a complaint from being just a social thing or gossip into something a little more formal and actionable. It lets your group members know that you are listening seriously to their concerns, even if there’s not enough information to take an action at that time.

It also captures information that you could forward on to other regional group leaders about the actions of a particular group member, and this moves it from the category of “gossip” and “rumormongering” into “sharing a formal complaint.”

Decisions
With most complaints, there probably isn’t going to be enough information to take an action. However, documenting the facts of what has happened–or at least, the nature of the alleged abuse–makes it far easier to take an action if another person complains about the same person.

Taking Action
Sometimes it’s pretty clear that something skeevy is going on. Assuming it’s illegal behavior, such as abuse of a minor, your group also needs a policy for how to report things to the police. There are several books out there about Pagans negotiating with police, and specifically I’m thinking of Kerr Cuchulain’s book but if you aren’t sure how to approach the police, you might consider Circle Sanctuary and the Lady Liberty League as a resource.

Community and Judgement
Many of the actions that your group identifies will not necessarily be grounds for getting someone arrested, but may require you to ask someone to leave your group whether as a participant or as a leader. Or may require you to decline hosting a particular presenter.

What this basically means is that yes–you will need a judicial process for your group. However it functions–whether it’s one leader or a council or consensus–you will need to take the information from people who have come to you to tell you about an abusive or harmful situation…and you will need to determine, “Person B did this and I must remove them from the group,” or, “There isn’t enough data to determine if Person B did this but I will keep an eye out.”

So yeah–someone has to make a decision. Even if that decision as, “I don’t know. I don’t know enough to feel comfortable kicking out Person B yet.” That’s still a decision, it’s still a judgment.

Sometimes, an appropriate judgment might be that Person B can remain in the group if they consent to getting some form of help. However, be very cautious in this approach. Many people benefit from therapy, the right medications, or from AA or another program.

However, if you’re dealing with one of the major personality disorders, or someone who consistently goes off their bipolar medications, or with a sex offender…or any of the big abusive behaviors…these folks are very likely not going to respond to any treatment. In fact, many of these are considered untreatable.

Can People Change?
I believe that almost anyone can change. By my experience of people is, most won’t. This is what I mean when I say I’m an optimist with a broken heart. I want to believe that every single person can become better. But my dealings with Mark, and with others, helped me to understand that there are people way beyond my pay grade.

And when you find someone in your group who is a repeat abuser or any kind of predator, there’s only one real solution–amputate them from the group. Like a cancer, you have to remove them.

Yes–that means they will just go somewhere else. But, that’s a blog post for another day. We’ll talk more on what it means to remove someone from a group.

Meanwhile, here’s that statement on religious sexual abuse for the Pagan community that was crafted out of a call from the Wild Hunt news blog. It’s worth a look.

http://www.brendanmyers.net/wickedrabbit/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=33%3Afinished-the-community-statement-on-religious-sexual-abuse&catid=11%3Anewscategory&showall=1

 


Filed under: Leadership, Pagan Community, Personal Growth, Uncategorized

Of Pagans and Predators: Part 3

2539113_xlSo in the midst of writing this series, my ex’s fiance posted on my Facebook, and a comment on Part 1, basically doing a textbook codependent dance of enabling. And it was painful to read, because I realize, that was me. Years ago, I was making excuses for Mark. I was the one defending him, because he would say, “If I do it, nobody will listen to me, but if a woman does it, that’ll carry some weight.” I bought it. I drank the Kool-Aid.

And I hear that he’s looking to sue me for libel for what I wrote about him. I heard this via some people who messaged me (this was unsolicited on my part) copied and pasted text of what Mark is posting on his wall.

What does all this bullshit drama mean? It means that I’m becoming a living example of why no victim wants to come forward.

Because this is what you’ll have to put up with. And gods help any victim who isn’t coming from a position of power. I’m an author, I’m a teacher, I have a public voice in the Pagan community. If you’re a newbie, an attendee at an event? I can’t see any way that someone in a power-under position like that would ever risk coming forward.

That being said, we’ve talked a lot about some of the problems. Here are a few beginnings of solutions. Now–none of this is earth shattering. But it’s a start. And it’s hard work and it’s going to take a long time, but if we don’t start, we’ll never get there.

Healthy Boundaries and Self Esteem
I know, I already said this. But as a community, we need healthier boundaries. And I’m not just talking about teaching what’s good touch or bad touch or what’s consent. I’m talking about boundaries and ego from the ground up. That’s big work. Huge work.

But if we each do not do that work–and trust me, this is work I’ve been working on with myself for years–we’re just going to keep spinning our wheels.

I can honestly say that poor boundaries and an unhealthy ego/poor self esteem are probably the grounds for a majority of conflicts that I see in the Pagan community. If each person out there works to get healthy boundaries and training in what consent is, we’ve solved a lot of potential problems right there.

Working With Socially Awkward People
While we’re doing all this personal growth work around boundaries and behaviors, this also offers us the opportunity to help those socially awkward folks who don’t understand that they are crossing other people’s boundaries.

Trust me, as one of those socially awkward folks, I really resonate with this difficulty. While my own behavior probably couldn’t have been described as predatory, I certainly was pretty annoying before I learned more about how to behave socially. And I’ve known people who were genuinely well-meaning who had no idea that they were being offensive or creepy.

I’ve worked with people who had no idea that they were coming across as creepy. Most folks when they find this out will work to adapt their behavior but sometimes need help. However, this type of work does require some discernment, in that

  1. You don’t want to spin your wheels working with someone who isn’t going to change,
  2. You need to be somewhat aware of things such as Aspergers and people who are not neuro-typical. There are ways that Aspergers folks can learn to engage, but that is often a more extensive process of therapy. However, you may be able to help connect them to a resource. You just have to understand that this is different from someone being just awkward; someone with Aspergers actually may not recognize facial cues or body language, and
  3. You don’t want to get into the position of enabling someone to be a predator who is using the excuse of socially awkward.

It’s a fine balance on the edge of a knife to discern some of the differences. However, working with some of our more socially awkward community members can perhaps make the genuinely predatory behavior more clear.

Training in Spotting Predators
One clear solution to protect our children at community events is for each adult to have basic training in how to identify a pedophile. Keep in mind that a number of professionals in the field of therapy and psychology–even therapists who work specifically with sex offenders–will talk about how you can’t always “tell.” However, there are some behaviors that are a pretty solid red flag.

http://www.wikihow.com/Identify-a-Pedophile

Identifying the Unacceptable Behavior
When I teach Pagan leadership, I often talk about basic group agreements as the circle or cauldron that holds your group. What’s ok? What isn’t ok?

Apparently what we really need to do–collectively, to a certain extent, but also within our individual sovereign groups–is identify what behavior is acceptable, and what isn’t. When the behaviors are “fuzzy,” we can’t necessarily agree on whether or not what is happening is wrong, much less what to do about it. 

There are some things that are probably pretty clear–sexually molesting a child is pretty clearly grounds for not only being kicked out of a group but for calling the police. But what about the gray area? What if one of your group members and their partner are consistently getting into screaming fights and you’re worried about one or both parties being in an abusive dynamic? What if a presenter you’ve hired for a festival is really flirtatious at your event, but you’re not really sure if they are respecting boundaries or not?

What if your coven has a tradition of sexual initiation?

A sex temple or group with sexual initiatory practices is probably going to have a different spectrum of acceptable behaviors than a small coven or a group putting on a public festival or conference. Skyclad can work for some groups, and in others it can feel like pressuring people to be oversexualized. Sexual initiation can be totally appropriate in some circumstances. In other circumstances where people feel pressured into it, this can be an abuse of power.

In almost any group without a tradition of sexual initiation, I would say that a pretty good general guideline is that teachers should not be sleeping with students because of the heavily unequal power dynamic. There are exceptions when a peer dynamic has been achieved, but that’s a whole separate post on how to figure that out.

Fuzzy Gray Area
You have to look at what behaviors start to hit that zone in the gray area where it starts to become a red flag, and possibly grounds for someone to be removed from a group or event, or even legal action being taken.

Here’s an example. If someone on my leadership team got arrested for smoking pot, they would not be kicked off my team. Yes, in most states it’s illegal. But, it’s not a behavior that is in itself harmful to others, and states are beginning to decriminalize this.

On the other hand, I don’t allow pot or other illegal drugs at my public events. Why? Well, that should be pretty obvious–it puts all of us at legal risk. One of my leaders who breaks that rule is going to get a stern warning from me, and repeat offenses are probably grounds for asking them to leave. (Plus, I’m allergic to the smoke, so I’ll be cranky because if I smell that I’m going to get a migraine.)

Someone getting into a (verbal) fight with their partner at an event is not in itself grounds to get kicked out, though I might intercede and take them to a private room. However, if that’s happening every time, that’s a red flag.

In one case, I found out that a guy who had some “creepy” tendencies was physically abusing his partner. His creepy behaviors weren’t enough for me to kick him out of the group (yet), but once I found out what was happening with his partner, he is no longer welcome at my events.

Document Those Agreements
Once you and your group members have made agreements around what behavior is a red flag, and what’s grounds for dismissal, it’s time to document that and disseminate it to your group.

Several groups and events out there have policies specifically around consent and sexual abuse, and I hope to get some of those policies together to help other groups craft some “best practices.” But–go ahead and reach out to more established groups and festivals, they may have documents like this that are a place to start. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel.

Process for Complaints
Your agreements need teeth. Part of that is giving people a clear process for how they complain about another group member, a group organizer, or a presenter at your event. If people don’t have a clear way to bring up a complaint, then your agreements are sort of null and void.

Now–just because someone complains doesn’t mean instant guilt. But people do need a way to complain.

I’ll give you three guesses why nobody complained to me about what my ex, Mark, was doing. Because…I was the group leader, he was the other core leader, and we were a couple. None of those women was ever going to feel safe complaining to me about my fiance, not until he was gone. And I shudder to think of how many were too nervous to come forward, or who just left the community in disgust.

In fact, in the time since I posted Part 1, I’ve already heard from another two women who felt that he was making unwelcome sexual advances on them when we were teaching at events.

Document the Complaint
Whatever has gone on, documenting the complaint is a good first step. And I am chagrined to admit that this isn’t something that occurred to me. I’m used to keeping a lot of data in my head, like Person A’s story about Person X, and Person B’s story, and Person C’s story. By the time I have that much data, I don’t need documentation, I know what to do with Person X.

When we were on the Pagan Musings Podcast, Taylor Ellwood brought up the idea of documenting the behaviors witnessed and the complaints received. I’m sure there are formats to do this, and in the coming days and weeks I’ll be working to gather some resources for best practices in that. You can listen to the Podcast here, as it it offered a lot of discussion of many of these issues. http://www.blogtalkradio.com/pagan-musings/2014/03/31/pmp-sex-ethics-abuse-in-the-magickal-world

I think documenting a complaint is good for multiple reasons. One is that if something happens in the future with that person, you’ve got some documentation around it. Also, especially in groups with rotating leadership, one single person won’t always have all the information.

It’s also worth pointing out that if there’s one person who’s always complaining about others, that is also good information to have. While I don’t advocate blaming the victim, sometimes there are people who make it their life’s work to being a professional victim. Still other folks have untreated mental illness such as one of the Paranoid personality disorders. And, you may also just have someone who has an axe to grind. This is why this whole process requires rather a lot of discernment.

Documenting takes a complaint from being just a social thing or gossip into something a little more formal and actionable. It lets your group members know that you are listening seriously to their concerns, even if there’s not enough information to take an action at that time.

It also captures information that you could forward on to other regional group leaders about the actions of a particular group member, and this moves it from the category of “gossip” and “rumormongering” into “sharing a formal complaint.”

Decisions
With most complaints, there probably isn’t going to be enough information to take an action. However, documenting the facts of what has happened–or at least, the nature of the alleged abuse–makes it far easier to take an action if another person complains about the same person.

Taking Action
Sometimes it’s pretty clear that something skeevy is going on. Assuming it’s illegal behavior, such as abuse of a minor, your group also needs a policy for how to report things to the police. There are several books out there about Pagans negotiating with police, and specifically I’m thinking of Kerr Cuchulain’s book but if you aren’t sure how to approach the police, you might consider Circle Sanctuary and the Lady Liberty League as a resource.

Community and Judgement
Many of the actions that your group identifies will not necessarily be grounds for getting someone arrested, but may require you to ask someone to leave your group whether as a participant or as a leader. Or may require you to decline hosting a particular presenter.

What this basically means is that yes–you will need a judicial process for your group. However it functions–whether it’s one leader or a council or consensus–you will need to take the information from people who have come to you to tell you about an abusive or harmful situation…and you will need to determine, “Person B did this and I must remove them from the group,” or, “There isn’t enough data to determine if Person B did this but I will keep an eye out.”

So yeah–someone has to make a decision. Even if that decision as, “I don’t know. I don’t know enough to feel comfortable kicking out Person B yet.” That’s still a decision, it’s still a judgment.

Sometimes, an appropriate judgment might be that Person B can remain in the group if they consent to getting some form of help. However, be very cautious in this approach. Many people benefit from therapy, the right medications, or from AA or another program.

However, if you’re dealing with one of the major personality disorders, or someone who consistently goes off their bipolar medications, or with a sex offender…or any of the big abusive behaviors…these folks are very likely not going to respond to any treatment. In fact, many of these are considered untreatable.

Can People Change?
I believe that almost anyone can change. By my experience of people is, most won’t. This is what I mean when I say I’m an optimist with a broken heart. I want to believe that every single person can become better. But my dealings with Mark, and with others, helped me to understand that there are people way beyond my pay grade.

And when you find someone in your group who is a repeat abuser or any kind of predator, there’s only one real solution–amputate them from the group. Like a cancer, you have to remove them.

Yes–that means they will just go somewhere else. But, that’s a blog post for another day. We’ll talk more on what it means to remove someone from a group.

Meanwhile, here’s that statement on religious sexual abuse for the Pagan community that was crafted out of a call from the Wild Hunt news blog. It’s worth a look.

http://www.brendanmyers.net/wickedrabbit/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=33%3Afinished-the-community-statement-on-religious-sexual-abuse&catid=11%3Anewscategory&showall=1

 


Filed under: Leadership, Pagan Community, Personal Growth, Uncategorized

Of Pagans and Predators: Part 2

5071876_xxlI see this conversation happen on TV shows. “Did you talk to your teachers?” “No, we can’t do that, the other kids will just hate us even more.”

This is why bullying works. And this is what sets us up for a whole suite of victim-blaming behaviors. The whistleblower is sometimes shown as the hero of the story–but the truth is, people who speak out about how they’ve been harmed, bullied, and abused are mmore often blamed and shamed and bullied even more. Thus, we learn to shut up and not speak up, because speaking up makes it worse.

And yet, if we can understand some of these behaviors, we can begin to look at what the unhealthy dynamics are so that we can build something better. And quite simply–we must.

To understand how to move forward, we have to understand the problem. There’s an axiom in the field of strategic design that the solution is inherent within the problem. But, this first requires a real understanding of the problem.

And that means we have to look at a lot of uncomfortable stuff. 

Here’s a place to start. I encourage you to the following blog posts now, or when you have some time to devote to it. And read the comments. Yes, there are a lot of comments. Yes, they may trigger you. Yes, it’s worth it to read them if you want to be part of the solution.

http://www.thorncoyle.com/blog/2014/03/28/predators-paganism-trigger-warning/

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/sermonsfromthemound/2014/03/silence-equals-death/

http://www.incitingariot.com/2014/03/kenny-klein-arrested-for-child-porn.html

I don’t agree with everything that’s written in these posts, but, it’s a place to begin to understand some of the patterns. And see that there is a consistent pattern of enabling abuse.

He’s Just a Lech
I have seen the abuse/cover-up of abuse be a problem for a long while now…I just didn’t realize how much of a problem it was. Namely–I knew that touchy-feely guys were excused as “Oh, that’s just ____, he’s a lech.” (And–it’s not just men, though statistically, it’s more likely to be.)

I think that people do this in general; I wrote about it in my Sex/Ethics post on Pagan Activist. When there’s a leader or boss–like that editor from Scientific American who was harassing interns and other women he had power over–the folks who like that leader cannot possibly believe that they would do something like that. That’s where “You must be mistaken” comes from. “They’d never do that.” It’s cognitive dissonance.

So we have that baseline behavior–we tend to defend someone because we can’t, or don’t want to, believe that someone we like could do that.

In fact–read this quick blog post. It’s really an apt explanation of how we get used to making excuses for bad behavior. http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/06/missing-stair.html

Ego Annex and Boundaries
Ultimately, I think this is probably yet another issue of ego annex and poor boundaries at work. Our ego’s big job is giving us a sense of our self identity. Ideally a positive one. In fact, ego doesn’t cope well with anything that tells us we might be “bad.” So if I like Person A and trusted them, and someone says that they did a bad thing, then by extension, because I like Person A, if Person A did something bad, then I must be bad because I like that person.

That’s not in every case, but I sure have seen it be a factor in someone digging their heels in to defend Person A, even when Person A has clearly harmed someone. What it usually means is that the person defending Person A has poor boundaries and has mistaken Person A’s actions with their own self identity and sense of self.

Standing Up and Saying No is Hard
Again, poor boundaries. We are taught–over and over by experience–that saying NO has dire consequences. Saying No to someone will be perceived as rejection and hurt. Women especially are culturally prone to this people-pleasing, however, I see it in all genders.

I’m sure there’s science around this, but if you watch people when there’s something uncomfortable going on, they will look away. They will look down. They will shrink into their bodies, visually try to disappear. It’s almost a herd behavior. And it’s passive aggressive. Most people would far rather just ignore the bad thing happening and make it go away, than stand up and be the asshole/bitch/jerk who addresses it. Nobody wants to be that guy. Except–this is what allows for abuse to happen.

Sex Positive
What perhaps exacerbates the above tendencies in human nature is the (sometimes extreme) pressure in the Pagan community to be sex positive and accepting of free love and alternative romantic lifestyles. We’re sex positive, right? So we’re not supposed to judge people for being gay or lesbian or bisexual or transgender, or for being into BDSM or for being polyamorous. All of that is supposed to be cool, right? And, if an older person hits on a younger person that’s supposed to be ok, it’s empowering, because we’re not bound by the rules of the dominant culture…and it’s ok when someone gropes someone else, right?

Hold up there. We’ve hit the slippery slope. There is a gulf of difference between being at a gathering where I respect someone’s sexual openness and where they can hit on me and I can offer a polite no and that’s respected….and a gathering where people are given a free pass to flirt with people to the point of harassment, or touch them without their permission.

In a so-called sex positive culture, nobody wants to be the asshole who calls out someone for groping them, because they’ll be seen as a prude, right?

There’s a pressure to laugh off creepy lecherous handsy behavior and just be ok with it because we’re sex positive.

Boundaries and Flirting
And thus we come back to boundaries. Wouldn’t all this be easier if everyone had good boundaries? Then Person A can flirt with Person B, and Person B can feel totally comfortable saying, “Thank you, but no thanks,” and Person A isn’t offended by the turn-down, and Person B isn’t offended by being flirted with.

Let’s be clear. Flirting isn’t immoral or unethical (in most cases). Invading someone’s space without permission is not ok. Touching people without their permission is not ok. Flirting with someone until it becomes harassment is not ok.

I think in this area, we can work as individuals to grow healthier boundaries. What are boundaries? Well…I’ve written a few posts on the topic, and there’s a book called “Where you End and I Begin” that I recommend. But basically, it’s knowing that your sovereign right to your body ends at your skin. Meaning, you don’t have a sovereign right to touch me. Nor do your own ideas, thoughts, or desires belong in my sovereign space.

You might want something for someone else, but you aren’t that person, and what you want for them ends at the boundary of your skin. They, in turn, have their own sovereignty over their skin, their thoughts and ideas.

Just because you want to hook up with someone doesn’t mean they want that. And–trust me on this one, I’m way familiar with that one. It’s my romantic super power.

I might have the hots for someone, but it doesn’t mean I get to go pressure them to have sex with me. I might make my interest known, and I have to be ok with hearing No. That’s boundaries.

The Problem of Calling Out Leaders
I know of Pagan community leaders who make some really poor decisions, including verbally and emotionally abusing their group members. And these leaders continue because–as I’ve written about at length on my blog–there’s no real way to “make” a group leader stop leading, because Pagans have no overarching body, no governing people in power who can say, “You shall no longer be a coven leader, you are excommunicated.”

But it turns out that even when we do have people in positions of power who could kick someone out of a group or a festival…and even when the offenses were not in the slippery slope of “I’m not sure this warrants kicking someone out of my event,” even when it’s children coming forward to do what the adults told them to do and saying, “That person touched me in a way that made me uncomfortable,” these victims weren’t listened to.

And there’s a host of reasons. Dozens of them. One is that all the intercommunity witch wars and strife have made every person I know gun shy about taking a stand. “If I speak out against XYZ leader, I’ll just be starting a witch war.” And they aren’t wrong about that. Speaking out against someone is bound to start up a conflict

We Don’t Want to Take Sides
More often I’ve seen the “We don’t have enough evidence” thing, or the “You’re blowing that out of proportion, what they did wasn’t that bad” thing. Or as I’ve been told numerous times about my experiences with my ex, Mark, “That was just domestic abuse.”

There’s a very small Pagan leadership FB group that I’m on where there was a frustrating conversation several weeks ago. We were talking about what to do about local Pagan leaders who were acting in a harmful way. Some folks brought up the idea that the only time you could take a stand against someone is if they had done something illegal that could be prosecuted.

I brought up the issue of how it’s not always about legal evidence, but sometimes it’s about a pattern of behavior. What my ex did to me and to others isn’t really something he can be prosecuted for. Sleeping with students isn’t illegal. It sure as heck isn’t ok to target students and newbies though.

I do sometimes make my decisions about a person on hearsay. It’s the type of hearsay that matters. Who it comes from, how many people, what they have to gain.

I think that people who always say, “We don’t want to take sides,” sometimes are (unintentionally) siding with the perpetrator. Yes, I know…we don’t want to cause a witch war. We don’t want to make the conflict worse.

But what would have happened if any Pagan leader or festival organizer had taken the complaints against Kenny Klein seriously 10 or 20 years ago?

Scorched Earth
I have seen some people take a stand against their abusers, and ultimately the community conflict that ensued blew up any Pagan community work in that region for years afterword because people were so hurt by the he said/she said conflict.

So–while I’m no longer prepared to say, “Speaking out against your abusers won’t get you what you want, you can’t take a group leader down,” I’m also not prepared to say “Cry havoc and hop to it” because it’s going to end up being a scorched earth thing.

If Person A attempts to bring to light Person B’s abusive behaviors and the conflict ends up literally exploding their local community so that no public events are happening to serve local Pagans, that isn’t really a viable either.

When it’s a group leader, you can’t force them to stop leading a group, other than getting them arrested. All you can really do is leave the group and maybe tell other people. Many people will stay in the group because that’s the only community in their area. But, people who complain about abusive behavior from a Pagan group leader often get victim blamed as “trying to start a witch war.”

Giving Pagans a Bad Name
This one’s been cited a lot in other areas so I won’t go into it much here, but it’s an excuse that’s been used for why Pagans don’t call the authorities for some situations that really warrant the involvement of law enforcement.

How do We Go Forward?
That’s been keeping me up at night for years. The more I teach leadership, the more shitty behavior I hear about and the more despondent I get. I see all forms of abuse by Pagans and Pagan leaders getting swept under the rug. I mean, I seriously could probably write an entire blog post just about different leaders and the crap I’ve heard about them and that I’ve done enough verification on to satisfy myself that it’s the truth, even though there isn’t concrete proof. But, what does that solve?

Another blog post coming soon.

 


Filed under: Leadership, Pagan Community, Personal Growth

Of Pagans and Predators: Part 2

5071876_xxlI see this conversation happen on TV shows. “Did you talk to your teachers?” “No, we can’t do that, the other kids will just hate us even more.”

This is why bullying works. And this is what sets us up for a whole suite of victim-blaming behaviors. The whistleblower is sometimes shown as the hero of the story–but the truth is, people who speak out about how they’ve been harmed, bullied, and abused are mmore often blamed and shamed and bullied even more. Thus, we learn to shut up and not speak up, because speaking up makes it worse.

And yet, if we can understand some of these behaviors, we can begin to look at what the unhealthy dynamics are so that we can build something better. And quite simply–we must.

To understand how to move forward, we have to understand the problem. There’s an axiom in the field of strategic design that the solution is inherent within the problem. But, this first requires a real understanding of the problem.

And that means we have to look at a lot of uncomfortable stuff. 

Here’s a place to start. I encourage you to the following blog posts now, or when you have some time to devote to it. And read the comments. Yes, there are a lot of comments. Yes, they may trigger you. Yes, it’s worth it to read them if you want to be part of the solution.

http://www.thorncoyle.com/blog/2014/03/28/predators-paganism-trigger-warning/

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/sermonsfromthemound/2014/03/silence-equals-death/

http://www.incitingariot.com/2014/03/kenny-klein-arrested-for-child-porn.html

I don’t agree with everything that’s written in these posts, but, it’s a place to begin to understand some of the patterns. And see that there is a consistent pattern of enabling abuse.

He’s Just a Lech
I have seen the abuse/cover-up of abuse be a problem for a long while now…I just didn’t realize how much of a problem it was. Namely–I knew that touchy-feely guys were excused as “Oh, that’s just ____, he’s a lech.” (And–it’s not just men, though statistically, it’s more likely to be.)

I think that people do this in general; I wrote about it in my Sex/Ethics post on Pagan Activist. When there’s a leader or boss–like that editor from Scientific American who was harassing interns and other women he had power over–the folks who like that leader cannot possibly believe that they would do something like that. That’s where “You must be mistaken” comes from. “They’d never do that.” It’s cognitive dissonance.

So we have that baseline behavior–we tend to defend someone because we can’t, or don’t want to, believe that someone we like could do that.

In fact–read this quick blog post. It’s really an apt explanation of how we get used to making excuses for bad behavior. http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/06/missing-stair.html

Ego Annex and Boundaries
Ultimately, I think this is probably yet another issue of ego annex and poor boundaries at work. Our ego’s big job is giving us a sense of our self identity. Ideally a positive one. In fact, ego doesn’t cope well with anything that tells us we might be “bad.” So if I like Person A and trusted them, and someone says that they did a bad thing, then by extension, because I like Person A, if Person A did something bad, then I must be bad because I like that person.

That’s not in every case, but I sure have seen it be a factor in someone digging their heels in to defend Person A, even when Person A has clearly harmed someone. What it usually means is that the person defending Person A has poor boundaries and has mistaken Person A’s actions with their own self identity and sense of self.

Standing Up and Saying No is Hard
Again, poor boundaries. We are taught–over and over by experience–that saying NO has dire consequences. Saying No to someone will be perceived as rejection and hurt. Women especially are culturally prone to this people-pleasing, however, I see it in all genders.

I’m sure there’s science around this, but if you watch people when there’s something uncomfortable going on, they will look away. They will look down. They will shrink into their bodies, visually try to disappear. It’s almost a herd behavior. And it’s passive aggressive. Most people would far rather just ignore the bad thing happening and make it go away, than stand up and be the asshole/bitch/jerk who addresses it. Nobody wants to be that guy. Except–this is what allows for abuse to happen.

Sex Positive
What perhaps exacerbates the above tendencies in human nature is the (sometimes extreme) pressure in the Pagan community to be sex positive and accepting of free love and alternative romantic lifestyles. We’re sex positive, right? So we’re not supposed to judge people for being gay or lesbian or bisexual or transgender, or for being into BDSM or for being polyamorous. All of that is supposed to be cool, right? And, if an older person hits on a younger person that’s supposed to be ok, it’s empowering, because we’re not bound by the rules of the dominant culture…and it’s ok when someone gropes someone else, right?

Hold up there. We’ve hit the slippery slope. There is a gulf of difference between being at a gathering where I respect someone’s sexual openness and where they can hit on me and I can offer a polite no and that’s respected….and a gathering where people are given a free pass to flirt with people to the point of harassment, or touch them without their permission.

In a so-called sex positive culture, nobody wants to be the asshole who calls out someone for groping them, because they’ll be seen as a prude, right?

There’s a pressure to laugh off creepy lecherous handsy behavior and just be ok with it because we’re sex positive.

Boundaries and Flirting
And thus we come back to boundaries. Wouldn’t all this be easier if everyone had good boundaries? Then Person A can flirt with Person B, and Person B can feel totally comfortable saying, “Thank you, but no thanks,” and Person A isn’t offended by the turn-down, and Person B isn’t offended by being flirted with.

Let’s be clear. Flirting isn’t immoral or unethical (in most cases). Invading someone’s space without permission is not ok. Touching people without their permission is not ok. Flirting with someone until it becomes harassment is not ok.

I think in this area, we can work as individuals to grow healthier boundaries. What are boundaries? Well…I’ve written a few posts on the topic, and there’s a book called “Where you End and I Begin” that I recommend. But basically, it’s knowing that your sovereign right to your body ends at your skin. Meaning, you don’t have a sovereign right to touch me. Nor do your own ideas, thoughts, or desires belong in my sovereign space.

You might want something for someone else, but you aren’t that person, and what you want for them ends at the boundary of your skin. They, in turn, have their own sovereignty over their skin, their thoughts and ideas.

Just because you want to hook up with someone doesn’t mean they want that. And–trust me on this one, I’m way familiar with that one. It’s my romantic super power.

I might have the hots for someone, but it doesn’t mean I get to go pressure them to have sex with me. I might make my interest known, and I have to be ok with hearing No. That’s boundaries.

The Problem of Calling Out Leaders
I know of Pagan community leaders who make some really poor decisions, including verbally and emotionally abusing their group members. And these leaders continue because–as I’ve written about at length on my blog–there’s no real way to “make” a group leader stop leading, because Pagans have no overarching body, no governing people in power who can say, “You shall no longer be a coven leader, you are excommunicated.”

But it turns out that even when we do have people in positions of power who could kick someone out of a group or a festival…and even when the offenses were not in the slippery slope of “I’m not sure this warrants kicking someone out of my event,” even when it’s children coming forward to do what the adults told them to do and saying, “That person touched me in a way that made me uncomfortable,” these victims weren’t listened to.

And there’s a host of reasons. Dozens of them. One is that all the intercommunity witch wars and strife have made every person I know gun shy about taking a stand. “If I speak out against XYZ leader, I’ll just be starting a witch war.” And they aren’t wrong about that. Speaking out against someone is bound to start up a conflict

We Don’t Want to Take Sides
More often I’ve seen the “We don’t have enough evidence” thing, or the “You’re blowing that out of proportion, what they did wasn’t that bad” thing. Or as I’ve been told numerous times about my experiences with my ex, Mark, “That was just domestic abuse.”

There’s a very small Pagan leadership FB group that I’m on where there was a frustrating conversation several weeks ago. We were talking about what to do about local Pagan leaders who were acting in a harmful way. Some folks brought up the idea that the only time you could take a stand against someone is if they had done something illegal that could be prosecuted.

I brought up the issue of how it’s not always about legal evidence, but sometimes it’s about a pattern of behavior. What my ex did to me and to others isn’t really something he can be prosecuted for. Sleeping with students isn’t illegal. It sure as heck isn’t ok to target students and newbies though.

I do sometimes make my decisions about a person on hearsay. It’s the type of hearsay that matters. Who it comes from, how many people, what they have to gain.

I think that people who always say, “We don’t want to take sides,” sometimes are (unintentionally) siding with the perpetrator. Yes, I know…we don’t want to cause a witch war. We don’t want to make the conflict worse.

But what would have happened if any Pagan leader or festival organizer had taken the complaints against Kenny Klein seriously 10 or 20 years ago?

Scorched Earth
I have seen some people take a stand against their abusers, and ultimately the community conflict that ensued blew up any Pagan community work in that region for years afterword because people were so hurt by the he said/she said conflict.

So–while I’m no longer prepared to say, “Speaking out against your abusers won’t get you what you want, you can’t take a group leader down,” I’m also not prepared to say “Cry havoc and hop to it” because it’s going to end up being a scorched earth thing.

If Person A attempts to bring to light Person B’s abusive behaviors and the conflict ends up literally exploding their local community so that no public events are happening to serve local Pagans, that isn’t really a viable either.

When it’s a group leader, you can’t force them to stop leading a group, other than getting them arrested. All you can really do is leave the group and maybe tell other people. Many people will stay in the group because that’s the only community in their area. But, people who complain about abusive behavior from a Pagan group leader often get victim blamed as “trying to start a witch war.”

Giving Pagans a Bad Name
This one’s been cited a lot in other areas so I won’t go into it much here, but it’s an excuse that’s been used for why Pagans don’t call the authorities for some situations that really warrant the involvement of law enforcement.

How do We Go Forward?
That’s been keeping me up at night for years. The more I teach leadership, the more shitty behavior I hear about and the more despondent I get. I see all forms of abuse by Pagans and Pagan leaders getting swept under the rug. I mean, I seriously could probably write an entire blog post just about different leaders and the crap I’ve heard about them and that I’ve done enough verification on to satisfy myself that it’s the truth, even though there isn’t concrete proof. But, what does that solve?

Another blog post coming soon.

 


Filed under: Leadership, Pagan Community, Personal Growth

Of Pagans and Predators: Part 1

5683209_xxlI’ve been trying to wrap my brain around what to write on this topic. There are predators in our community–this isn’t new. Predators go where they can easily gain access to their prey, and small subculture communities like the Pagan community are ripe for this for so many reasons.

I want Kenny Klein’s arrest (and presumed conviction, since he confessed) to be a lightning rod for change. I want this incident to catalyze our community to work toward being better.

Because in the fallout of the announcement of the arrest, people started coming forward. People who saw Kenny interacting with teens, and teenagers that he had inappropriately touched. This has been going on for decades and though these people complained to Pagan leaders and festival organizers, nothing was done.

Before I go into some of the steps I think we need to take to address this systemic problem within our community, I first want to reflect on how–and why–this has affected me personally.

A while back Kenny Klein wrote an article admonishing Pagans for what’s often referred to as “Pagan Standard Time.” I used that particular quote from Kenny in a longer post on leadership I wrote.

“Get over it! You represent the Pagan community! Pull yourself together! I know, it is a hallmark of our culture in general that people are rude, late, and self-centered. But as Pagans, shouldn’t we be above that? As people who, after considerable thought, gave up the status quo to pursue our true selves, shouldn’t we be the shining example, not the common problem? I think we should.” - Kenny Klein

(Witches and Pagans has suspended Kenny Klein’s blog pending his investigation or I’d link to the full article.)

So I read this, and I experience cognitive dissonance. I sit there and wonder, “What was Kenny thinking when he wrote this?” 

Was he thinking that what he was doing was ok? Had he somehow ethically justified it in the way some pedophiles do, that the age of consent is too high and that teenagers and children should be allowed to be sexually active? Or was he in that zone where he just wasn’t even thinking about the wrongness of what he’d done?

See, sometimes I’ll start writing a blog post about an issue of Pagan leadership ethics or things leaders should or shouldn’t do, and then I’ll reread what I wrote and I have to laugh and say, “Yeah, I totally do that. I’m going to have to fess up to that.” I have always tried be up front about the places where I fuck up as a leader. I’m particularly ashamed of the times when I committed to doing something and then failed a commitment I made to someone.

But I suppose I’ve worked to try and find that balance of, not getting stuck in the spiral of shame, but also, not minimizing my mistake so that I can work to ensure I don’t do it again.

Leaders are human beings. We’re going to make mistakes.

But then I reread some of what Kenny Klein has written and my mind starts hamsterwheeling again. What was he thinking when he wrote that? Was he really in total denial about how he was (it now seems clear) sexually abusing children? Or was he one of those abusers that keeps falling off the wagon and then he climbs back on and says, “I can do this, I can be better, I can stop abusing children,” or was it something else entirely.

I’ve wondered a lot in the past about what goes through an abuser’s head, because I’ve been abused before.

My Abuse
I was not sexually abused as a child, though I know many people who were. I’ve written in the past about the abuse I suffered from my peers throughout school, and while I’ve done a hell of a lot of personal work, the shadows are still there. And it’s those issues in my own past that are probably why I’ve ended up in a few not-so-healthy romantic relationships.

I’ve written in the past about my ex-fiance and former working partner, but in light of what’s going on, I’m going to go ahead and name him. He’s gone by Mark Mandrake, but he seems to have switched back to his given name of Mark Robert Necamp. When I met Mark, he was married, and he lied about the status of his relationship. In fact, he compulsively lied throughout our relationship, and I had to learn something important about myself–I’m pretty easily duped.

I don’t like admitting that. But once I trust someone, I believe the lies.

Some day I’ll write about my whole decline with him, because understanding how I got into that headspace has helped me to heal–somewhat–from what he did, and how I enabled it. I still have a hard time rectifying my own image of myself as someone who is strong and independent with the creature I became when partnered with Mark. Sad, depressed, angry, exhausted, and easily manipulated. 

Mark isn’t (to my knowledge) a pedophile. Nor is Mark (to my knowledge) a rapist. Though, I have personally experienced that sex with him was sometimes on the border of what I call consensual. He often pressured me into sex when I wasn’t in the mood. Making things even more screwed up in my own head, sometimes I initiated sex with him not because I wanted to, but because I was afraid he’d cheat on me if I didn’t.

He cheated on me several times during our relationship, though it wasn’t until well after he left me in November of 2011 that I learned the scope of his cheating–and that other women he was with also felt confused around whether or not they’d really consented or not. They didn’t feel that they’d been raped, but they did feel manipulated into sex. Women came forward that he’d had sex with, and other women came forward that he’d sexually harassed to the extent that they stopped coming to my events in Chicago.

Mark engaged in a pretty clear pattern of emotional abuse, if you know the signs. Isolate and confuse. He would tell me that people in our group didn’t like me or had problems with me. I’d tell him that he should engage them in talking to me directly. “Oh, they don’t want to do that.” Or, “They are too afraid.” Or, “It’s confidential, I can’t tell you who.”

I have pretty good boundaries these days and I have developed a far healthier sense of self esteem than in years past, but over time this wore on me. It ate at me. It played to every fear I had creeping around in my chest from Middle School. My secret belief deep inside that EVERYONE SECRETLY HATES ME. 

Depression
I’m already an introvert, but this fed my spiral of depression, which made it even harder for me to want to go out to various Pagan social events. I’d frequently just tell Mark to go on without me.

And what, do you imagine, Mark did at those gathering? If you’ve read the abuser handbook, you know that he was complaining about me. How antisocial I was, how depressed, how hard I was to live with.

So then the next time I saw those folks, there was an undefined tension and it reinforced the crap he’d been feeding me. People really did dislike me. Like acid, it ate away at my sense of self. If everyone disliked me, and I was as difficult as Mark told me I was, maybe I was just inherently unlikeable.

 

Which is part of what leads into the really important part of this spiral–that paradoxically, I cling more to my abuser. “He’s the only one who will ever stick by me. Nobody else will ever put up with me.”

I’m oversimplifying, but I hope I have made the enabling pattern a little clearer.

Grooming
Abuse happens by inches. It’s called Grooming and I’ve written about it before. The behavior I put up with from Mark in the end, I never would have in the beginning. But by the end, it was invisible to me, like the air around me.

When he left me in 2011 and I discovered he’d been stealing money and planning his abandonment for months, there were a few days where I just wanted to die. I just wanted it all to end. I could not imagine that I could pull myself up by my bootstraps yet again.

What drove my mind into spinning circles of confusion was asking that question. How could he do this? Wasn’t he thinking of the consequences? How could someone hurt someone else like that?

See, Mark and I taught together. We taught Leadership workshops together. Mark would talk about sex and ethics, about abuse, about what behavior was appropriate for a leader and what behavior wasn’t. I knew that he knew that stuff.

So when I reread Kenny Klein’s post, I found myself asking those questions again. How could Kenny–who, by his writing, knew what was right and what was wrong–do those things? How could Mark?

Many Kinds of Mental Illness
What finally saved me from spinning in my brain after Mark left was when several mutual friends with a background in psychology spoke with me about Mark’s behavior. All of them were very clear that–with Mark not being their client– they could absolutely not diagnose him, but, that some of his symptoms were red flags for Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

When I began to read more about Borderline PD, things began to make sense. And–I myself am not a psychologist or therapist, so I can only speak in terms of his behavior that I witnessed, and what I’ve read about, and what I’ve observed in others.

With many of the major personalities or other mental illnesses, there are compulsive behaviors. I certainly witnessed these in Mark. Compulsive cheating…compulsive spending. He even shoplifted a few times when I was with him. One time it was just a bottle of tobasco sauce, and we got to the car when he revealed what he’d done, and he giggled. He also destroyed property in front of younger members of our local group, or acted in other ways that just didn’t make sense.

Later I’d ask him, “What were you thinking?”

And ultimately that dynamic became our relationship. He’d do crazy, destructive things, and I’d berate him like a nagging shrew. I became his mom, not his partner. The more I got on his case about his behavior, ultimately the worse he’d act out. And I kept wanting him to just be logical and make sense and realize what he was doing was wrong, and he wouldn’t.

It’s Not Going to be Logical
And I suppose that’s where I start to come to one of the cruxes of the difficulties with abusive behavior.  A lot of Pagans are talking (via blogs and Facebook) about teaching people what consent means. And that’s great–it is important for each attendee at an event to know they can say No. And it’s important for each attendee to know to respect a No, and in fact, that they need to wait for an enthusiastic Yes.

But none of that fixes the problem of the predators. The predators out there are:

  1. Convinced that they deserve this and are morally in the right, and are deliberately hunting, or
  2. They are in compulsive mode. They aren’t thinking about right and wrong because they are mentally ill. They are not in a headspace where consequence will stop them.

There’s certainly more than those options, but I think those are two big ones.

Temporary Insanity and Consequences
Have you ever actually experienced what’s known as temporary insanity? If you’ve met me, you probably know that I’m about as calm and collected as it gets, particularly when there’s a disaster. Ritual altar on fire? No problem. I can put out the fire and re-center the group without a blip in my blood pressure.

My mom throughout my life has jokingly called me “Mr. Spock” because I can be so calm and logical in the face of complicated disasters. I’m the person who can apply pressure to a wound while calling 9-11 and keeping everyone else calm.

So whenever I read about temporary insanity, I thought it was bullshit. I thought, “There’s never a time when I’m not thinking, when I’m not imagining consequences.”

I mentioned a bit about my mental health decline when I was with Mark, and there were a a couple of memorable moments where he did something so grievous that I did something totally out of character for me. Where I wasn’t thinking about consequence, I was just acting.

If you haven’t experienced that moment where consequence just disappears, I can’t explain it to you. And for myself, I’ve only experienced it in the briefest moments and even then, I’ve usually taken that step back and said, whoa. That’s nuts. I can’t do that.

However, I think it’s important to understand the idea that there are people–at least in certain moments–who are not bound by consequences or logic. To understand that when we’re talking about pedophiles, sociopaths, alcoholics, abusers, or people with other specific mental illnesses, we’re often talking about folks who are not thinking about what they are doing, or they don’t care.

I’m not talking about, “I was drunk, it wasn’t my fault.”

Compulsive
I’m talking about compulsive behavior where–in that moment–the person is going to seek to meet their need even if it harms someone. It might be an addiction to a substance, like alcohol. It might be a particular behavior. And it might be the compulsion to flirt with someone until it gets harassing, because they are so desperate to be wanted and loved. And that compulsion might also include sexual abuse of minors. Some people–for a variety of reasons–have specific compulsive tendencies.

Particularly sex offenders against children, who have a ruthlessly high rate of recidivism (return to the behavior.)

Please don’t read what I’m writing as an apology for their behavior. What I’m trying to do is offer some context for why it happens–because, people often shake their heads and ask that. Why? How can someone hurt someone else like that? How can someone abuse their spouse, their child?

Logical People
I experience that sane, rational, logical people expect other people to behave like themselves. So on the various comments on blogs and Facebook posts when people are talking about the Kenny Klein issue, they are talking about a number of strategies that are useful for sane, rational people.

There are folks who are socially awkward, and we can work with them to say, “No, that’s not appropriate.” We can work with folks to explain consent culture, and I think that’s all worthwhile.

However, that still doesn’t protect us from the predators who either believe that there’s nothing wrong with what they are doing, or, who are acting in a compulsive way.

The Pendulum Swing, or, “Baby I’m Sorry, I’ll Change
Raise your hand if you’ve heard that one before. “Baby, I’ll get better. I’ll go to therapy.” “I’ll go to ____ anonymous.” “I’ll never do it again, I swear.” “I got you some flowers.”

Often an abuser goes in and out of the bad behavior, which is what keeps their partner in the destructive cycle. I’ve been there, I have a one hell of a t-shirt. With Mark, he would promise to be better. He’d go to therapy, or to sex addicts anonymous. For a while it would be better…and then he’s start cheating again. Or other things.

There were the times that I really should have left him. (Should is such a damning word.)

But I caught enough self awareness from him that I stayed. He was aware he’d screwed up. He hated himself for it. He’d break down crying, he’d promise to be better, I’d promise to help him.

And this, ultimately, is what breaks my heart. Mark would be an amazing resource for the Pagan community, if he didn’t ultimately always swing back to the damaging behavior. I watched him do it with me, I watched him do it with women he dated after me. And, as the stories trickled in, I realized he’d been preying on a lot more women than I ever expected.

Enabling
My own shame around this is that I enabled his behavior. I bought into his “I’ll get better” and kept bringing him along to the hunting grounds for his predatory behavior. I helped him get his first teaching gigs; I’d bring him along when I was invited to teach out of town. I helped him to run a group in Chicago, and later, empowered him as a leader of my group Ringing Anvil.

At the end, I can honestly say I was not right in the head. I was stuck in the headspace of, “If I break up with Mark, I’ll be alone forever.” And those words don’t really do justice to the state of depression I was in. I literally couldn’t imagine how I’d go on if I was alone.

I made his behavior ok by continuing to run events with him, by continuing to co-teach with him.

Literally the night before he and I were scheduled to drive down to Louisville to be headliners at a festival, he introduced me to the woman he had started a relationship with and demanded that I agree to polyamory.

I spilled coffee in his lap and went home (one of those temporary insanity moments). He didn’t come back that night but the other girl dumped him when she found out she’d been lied to. In the morning, he came home, and I agreed to bring him with me to Louisville.

At the time, I thought I was putting on my professional hat. I thought that a professional should suck it up and go do a good job and not let personal stuff get in the way. And largely that’s true. In this case, if I’d been looking at his behavior from the angle of “Mark is a predator,” I would have perhaps more clearly seen that I was just bringing him to the hunting grounds and keeping him in a position of power that he could use to exploit others.

In fact–and I couldn’t even make this stuff up if I tried–after he left me, Mark began a relationship with the woman who coordinated that particular festival, among other people. He also began a relationship with a woman he’d met when we taught at a Pagan student conference, and then dumped her after revealing that he’d been cheating on her with another Pagan in Michigan that he met under the auspices of her being his student.

So, it’s not just me making this stuff up. There really is a pattern to his behavior.

What’s Abuse? What Do We Do With Abusers?
When Mark left, I opted to just make a public announcement on my Facebook about what had happened. There wasn’t any way around Facebook not announcing “Shauna is now Single,” and I thought, I’m going to be telling this story anyways, I should just be public about it, particularly as I began to understand the full scope of his abuse and his theft.

After he left, I discovered that Mark had arranged for several teaching engagements with various festivals. Some were festivals where I originally had introduced him to the organizers. And I was torn. Do I contact them and “warn” them? 

In my experience, nobody listens to that, and I’d just get branded as “the crazy ex with sour grapes.” I tried to take a stance of being very public about what Mark did to me–and later as things came out, about what he did to other women–but I only opted to contact one festival organizer whom I knew well to let her know what had happened before.

In her case, she’d been duped by another Pagan/Occult teacher and it broke her group apart in the past. Though, ironically, not only did she not ban Mark as a teacher, she let him live with her for a time, though I understand he’s currently banned from her land and events for something he did.

Organizers Turn a Blind Eye
One or two festival organizers reached out to me to ask for details on what Mark had done and promised to keep an eye on him, but that was it.

Ultimately, Mark is reflective of the problem in our community that created a hunting ground for Kenny Klein.

I’ve heard over and over the excuses that what Mark did is just he said/she said, or, it’s “just” domestic abuse. Or what several festival organizers have told me, “If I kick him out then I’m taking sides in your domestic squabble.”

And here’s where we start to run into some real gray area, because we have to ask, what is abuse? What behavior is acceptable in our leaders?

When you hire a Pagan teacher, publish a Pagan author, what are you promoting? What behavior are you making ok? If you know about things they have done and hire them anyways, what are you enabling?

Abusive Leaders and Victim Blaming
I know of tons of Pagan leaders who are verbally and emotionally abusive. They aren’t predators, aren’t rapists, but they sure are assholes, and we sure do keep empowering them to lead groups or sell books. Some are a shade more dangerous than that. Still others use their position as teachers to get laid. And to be sure, there are more child molesters out there waiting to be found. 

We have a culture in the Pagan community of wanting everything to be free. Sex is cool, sex should be fun for everyone, we should all be free. We are all seekers of spiritual truth, we shouldn’t kick anyone out. Except…we are a breeding ground for bad behavior.

We don’t listen to our victims. We dismiss it as, “Surely you are overreacting.” “You must have been mistaken.” Kenny Klein’s victims have been coming forward in the form of people who were teenagers at the time at festivals he was at, his ex wife, and his children. Not only were his ex wife and children not believed by local festival and community organizers–they were basically excommunicated.

We need to start listening to our victims and taking their complaints seriously.

But Not Pagan Homeland Security
Nor do I advocate that we kick every person out for every single complaint. To be quite frank, those of us who travel and teach acquire our own set of stalkers and weirdos. I’ve had to block a few people on Facebook who wanted me to come out and live with them or other weird creepy stuff, and when you cut off a stalker, there’s pushback. I hear this from many Pagan authors, and from a number of group leaders–people make up some crazy accusations when you turn them down.

And there’s this other problem we have in the Pagan community. I won’t go into the complexities of why, but we do have a lot of professional victims out there who, when they don’t get what they want, accuse a group leader of sexually assaulting them or of being a pedophile or other various accusations.

Having heard about and witnessed (or been involved in) a number of Pagan disputes, let me just sum it up by saying, it can get really fucked up. And determining who the actual victim is can be like sorting a ball of yarn after a cat got at it.

What Next?
What is clear is that we have some real problems in the Pagan community around abusive behavior. And, they aren’t easy problems to solve, which is–I think–part of why we often give up. It’s also a really uncomfortable set of topics, because it basically means that victims have to come forward and share their stories and relive what they went through. 

I’ve been going through it myself, particularly since my own abuser, Mark, opted to contact me and tell me he was sorry I felt the need to keep talking about what happened. And that he forgave me.

While that still has me wanting to vomit, I am reading stories online or hearing people share with me one-on-one from other people sharing their stories of molestation, rape, and other abuse. So yeah…we have a problem.

As always, I am an optimist. I believe we can be better. And in part 2 (because this got far longer than I planned on) I’ll outline a few thoughts on what might help us, as a community, to build a healthier community for the future.

 

 


Filed under: Leadership, Pagan Community

Of Pagans and Predators: Part 1

5683209_xxlI’ve been trying to wrap my brain around what to write on this topic. There are predators in our community–this isn’t new. Predators go where they can easily gain access to their prey, and small subculture communities like the Pagan community are ripe for this for so many reasons.

I want Kenny Klein’s arrest (and presumed conviction, since he confessed) to be a lightning rod for change. I want this incident to catalyze our community to work toward being better.

Because in the fallout of the announcement of the arrest, people started coming forward. People who saw Kenny interacting with teens, and teenagers that he had inappropriately touched. This has been going on for decades and though these people complained to Pagan leaders and festival organizers, nothing was done.

Before I go into some of the steps I think we need to take to address this systemic problem within our community, I first want to reflect on how–and why–this has affected me personally.

A while back Kenny Klein wrote an article admonishing Pagans for what’s often referred to as “Pagan Standard Time.” I used that particular quote from Kenny in a longer post on leadership I wrote.

“Get over it! You represent the Pagan community! Pull yourself together! I know, it is a hallmark of our culture in general that people are rude, late, and self-centered. But as Pagans, shouldn’t we be above that? As people who, after considerable thought, gave up the status quo to pursue our true selves, shouldn’t we be the shining example, not the common problem? I think we should.” - Kenny Klein

(Witches and Pagans has suspended Kenny Klein’s blog pending his investigation or I’d link to the full article.)

So I read this, and I experience cognitive dissonance. I sit there and wonder, “What was Kenny thinking when he wrote this?” 

Was he thinking that what he was doing was ok? Had he somehow ethically justified it in the way some pedophiles do, that the age of consent is too high and that teenagers and children should be allowed to be sexually active? Or was he in that zone where he just wasn’t even thinking about the wrongness of what he’d done?

See, sometimes I’ll start writing a blog post about an issue of Pagan leadership ethics or things leaders should or shouldn’t do, and then I’ll reread what I wrote and I have to laugh and say, “Yeah, I totally do that. I’m going to have to fess up to that.” I have always tried be up front about the places where I fuck up as a leader. I’m particularly ashamed of the times when I committed to doing something and then failed a commitment I made to someone.

But I suppose I’ve worked to try and find that balance of, not getting stuck in the spiral of shame, but also, not minimizing my mistake so that I can work to ensure I don’t do it again.

Leaders are human beings. We’re going to make mistakes.

But then I reread some of what Kenny Klein has written and my mind starts hamsterwheeling again. What was he thinking when he wrote that? Was he really in total denial about how he was (it now seems clear) sexually abusing children? Or was he one of those abusers that keeps falling off the wagon and then he climbs back on and says, “I can do this, I can be better, I can stop abusing children,” or was it something else entirely.

I’ve wondered a lot in the past about what goes through an abuser’s head, because I’ve been abused before.

My Abuse
I was not sexually abused as a child, though I know many people who were. I’ve written in the past about the abuse I suffered from my peers throughout school, and while I’ve done a hell of a lot of personal work, the shadows are still there. And it’s those issues in my own past that are probably why I’ve ended up in a few not-so-healthy romantic relationships.

I’ve written in the past about my ex-fiance and former working partner, but in light of what’s going on, I’m going to go ahead and name him. He’s gone by Mark Mandrake, but he seems to have switched back to his given name of Mark Robert Necamp. When I met Mark, he was married, and he lied about the status of his relationship. In fact, he compulsively lied throughout our relationship, and I had to learn something important about myself–I’m pretty easily duped.

I don’t like admitting that. But once I trust someone, I believe the lies.

Some day I’ll write about my whole decline with him, because understanding how I got into that headspace has helped me to heal–somewhat–from what he did, and how I enabled it. I still have a hard time rectifying my own image of myself as someone who is strong and independent with the creature I became when partnered with Mark. Sad, depressed, angry, exhausted, and easily manipulated. 

Mark isn’t (to my knowledge) a pedophile. Nor is Mark (to my knowledge) a rapist. Though, I have personally experienced that sex with him was sometimes on the border of what I call consensual. He often pressured me into sex when I wasn’t in the mood. Making things even more screwed up in my own head, sometimes I initiated sex with him not because I wanted to, but because I was afraid he’d cheat on me if I didn’t.

He cheated on me several times during our relationship, though it wasn’t until well after he left me in November of 2011 that I learned the scope of his cheating–and that other women he was with also felt confused around whether or not they’d really consented or not. They didn’t feel that they’d been raped, but they did feel manipulated into sex. Women came forward that he’d had sex with, and other women came forward that he’d sexually harassed to the extent that they stopped coming to my events in Chicago.

Mark engaged in a pretty clear pattern of emotional abuse, if you know the signs. Isolate and confuse. He would tell me that people in our group didn’t like me or had problems with me. I’d tell him that he should engage them in talking to me directly. “Oh, they don’t want to do that.” Or, “They are too afraid.” Or, “It’s confidential, I can’t tell you who.”

I have pretty good boundaries these days and I have developed a far healthier sense of self esteem than in years past, but over time this wore on me. It ate at me. It played to every fear I had creeping around in my chest from Middle School. My secret belief deep inside that EVERYONE SECRETLY HATES ME. 

Depression
I’m already an introvert, but this fed my spiral of depression, which made it even harder for me to want to go out to various Pagan social events. I’d frequently just tell Mark to go on without me.

And what, do you imagine, Mark did at those gathering? If you’ve read the abuser handbook, you know that he was complaining about me. How antisocial I was, how depressed, how hard I was to live with.

So then the next time I saw those folks, there was an undefined tension and it reinforced the crap he’d been feeding me. People really did dislike me. Like acid, it ate away at my sense of self. If everyone disliked me, and I was as difficult as Mark told me I was, maybe I was just inherently unlikeable.

 

Which is part of what leads into the really important part of this spiral–that paradoxically, I cling more to my abuser. “He’s the only one who will ever stick by me. Nobody else will ever put up with me.”

I’m oversimplifying, but I hope I have made the enabling pattern a little clearer.

Grooming
Abuse happens by inches. It’s called Grooming and I’ve written about it before. The behavior I put up with from Mark in the end, I never would have in the beginning. But by the end, it was invisible to me, like the air around me.

When he left me in 2011 and I discovered he’d been stealing money and planning his abandonment for months, there were a few days where I just wanted to die. I just wanted it all to end. I could not imagine that I could pull myself up by my bootstraps yet again.

What drove my mind into spinning circles of confusion was asking that question. How could he do this? Wasn’t he thinking of the consequences? How could someone hurt someone else like that?

See, Mark and I taught together. We taught Leadership workshops together. Mark would talk about sex and ethics, about abuse, about what behavior was appropriate for a leader and what behavior wasn’t. I knew that he knew that stuff.

So when I reread Kenny Klein’s post, I found myself asking those questions again. How could Kenny–who, by his writing, knew what was right and what was wrong–do those things? How could Mark?

Many Kinds of Mental Illness
What finally saved me from spinning in my brain after Mark left was when several mutual friends with a background in psychology spoke with me about Mark’s behavior. All of them were very clear that–with Mark not being their client– they could absolutely not diagnose him, but, that some of his symptoms were red flags for Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

When I began to read more about Borderline PD, things began to make sense. And–I myself am not a psychologist or therapist, so I can only speak in terms of his behavior that I witnessed, and what I’ve read about, and what I’ve observed in others.

With many of the major personalities or other mental illnesses, there are compulsive behaviors. I certainly witnessed these in Mark. Compulsive cheating…compulsive spending. He even shoplifted a few times when I was with him. One time it was just a bottle of tobasco sauce, and we got to the car when he revealed what he’d done, and he giggled. He also destroyed property in front of younger members of our local group, or acted in other ways that just didn’t make sense.

Later I’d ask him, “What were you thinking?”

And ultimately that dynamic became our relationship. He’d do crazy, destructive things, and I’d berate him like a nagging shrew. I became his mom, not his partner. The more I got on his case about his behavior, ultimately the worse he’d act out. And I kept wanting him to just be logical and make sense and realize what he was doing was wrong, and he wouldn’t.

It’s Not Going to be Logical
And I suppose that’s where I start to come to one of the cruxes of the difficulties with abusive behavior.  A lot of Pagans are talking (via blogs and Facebook) about teaching people what consent means. And that’s great–it is important for each attendee at an event to know they can say No. And it’s important for each attendee to know to respect a No, and in fact, that they need to wait for an enthusiastic Yes.

But none of that fixes the problem of the predators. The predators out there are:

  1. Convinced that they deserve this and are morally in the right, and are deliberately hunting, or
  2. They are in compulsive mode. They aren’t thinking about right and wrong because they are mentally ill. They are not in a headspace where consequence will stop them.

There’s certainly more than those options, but I think those are two big ones.

Temporary Insanity and Consequences
Have you ever actually experienced what’s known as temporary insanity? If you’ve met me, you probably know that I’m about as calm and collected as it gets, particularly when there’s a disaster. Ritual altar on fire? No problem. I can put out the fire and re-center the group without a blip in my blood pressure.

My mom throughout my life has jokingly called me “Mr. Spock” because I can be so calm and logical in the face of complicated disasters. I’m the person who can apply pressure to a wound while calling 9-11 and keeping everyone else calm.

So whenever I read about temporary insanity, I thought it was bullshit. I thought, “There’s never a time when I’m not thinking, when I’m not imagining consequences.”

I mentioned a bit about my mental health decline when I was with Mark, and there were a a couple of memorable moments where he did something so grievous that I did something totally out of character for me. Where I wasn’t thinking about consequence, I was just acting.

If you haven’t experienced that moment where consequence just disappears, I can’t explain it to you. And for myself, I’ve only experienced it in the briefest moments and even then, I’ve usually taken that step back and said, whoa. That’s nuts. I can’t do that.

However, I think it’s important to understand the idea that there are people–at least in certain moments–who are not bound by consequences or logic. To understand that when we’re talking about pedophiles, sociopaths, alcoholics, abusers, or people with other specific mental illnesses, we’re often talking about folks who are not thinking about what they are doing, or they don’t care.

I’m not talking about, “I was drunk, it wasn’t my fault.”

Compulsive
I’m talking about compulsive behavior where–in that moment–the person is going to seek to meet their need even if it harms someone. It might be an addiction to a substance, like alcohol. It might be a particular behavior. And it might be the compulsion to flirt with someone until it gets harassing, because they are so desperate to be wanted and loved. And that compulsion might also include sexual abuse of minors. Some people–for a variety of reasons–have specific compulsive tendencies.

Particularly sex offenders against children, who have a ruthlessly high rate of recidivism (return to the behavior.)

Please don’t read what I’m writing as an apology for their behavior. What I’m trying to do is offer some context for why it happens–because, people often shake their heads and ask that. Why? How can someone hurt someone else like that? How can someone abuse their spouse, their child?

Logical People
I experience that sane, rational, logical people expect other people to behave like themselves. So on the various comments on blogs and Facebook posts when people are talking about the Kenny Klein issue, they are talking about a number of strategies that are useful for sane, rational people.

There are folks who are socially awkward, and we can work with them to say, “No, that’s not appropriate.” We can work with folks to explain consent culture, and I think that’s all worthwhile.

However, that still doesn’t protect us from the predators who either believe that there’s nothing wrong with what they are doing, or, who are acting in a compulsive way.

The Pendulum Swing, or, “Baby I’m Sorry, I’ll Change
Raise your hand if you’ve heard that one before. “Baby, I’ll get better. I’ll go to therapy.” “I’ll go to ____ anonymous.” “I’ll never do it again, I swear.” “I got you some flowers.”

Often an abuser goes in and out of the bad behavior, which is what keeps their partner in the destructive cycle. I’ve been there, I have a one hell of a t-shirt. With Mark, he would promise to be better. He’d go to therapy, or to sex addicts anonymous. For a while it would be better…and then he’s start cheating again. Or other things.

There were the times that I really should have left him. (Should is such a damning word.)

But I caught enough self awareness from him that I stayed. He was aware he’d screwed up. He hated himself for it. He’d break down crying, he’d promise to be better, I’d promise to help him.

And this, ultimately, is what breaks my heart. Mark would be an amazing resource for the Pagan community, if he didn’t ultimately always swing back to the damaging behavior. I watched him do it with me, I watched him do it with women he dated after me. And, as the stories trickled in, I realized he’d been preying on a lot more women than I ever expected.

Enabling
My own shame around this is that I enabled his behavior. I bought into his “I’ll get better” and kept bringing him along to the hunting grounds for his predatory behavior. I helped him get his first teaching gigs; I’d bring him along when I was invited to teach out of town. I helped him to run a group in Chicago, and later, empowered him as a leader of my group Ringing Anvil.

At the end, I can honestly say I was not right in the head. I was stuck in the headspace of, “If I break up with Mark, I’ll be alone forever.” And those words don’t really do justice to the state of depression I was in. I literally couldn’t imagine how I’d go on if I was alone.

I made his behavior ok by continuing to run events with him, by continuing to co-teach with him.

Literally the night before he and I were scheduled to drive down to Louisville to be headliners at a festival, he introduced me to the woman he had started a relationship with and demanded that I agree to polyamory.

I spilled coffee in his lap and went home (one of those temporary insanity moments). He didn’t come back that night but the other girl dumped him when she found out she’d been lied to. In the morning, he came home, and I agreed to bring him with me to Louisville.

At the time, I thought I was putting on my professional hat. I thought that a professional should suck it up and go do a good job and not let personal stuff get in the way. And largely that’s true. In this case, if I’d been looking at his behavior from the angle of “Mark is a predator,” I would have perhaps more clearly seen that I was just bringing him to the hunting grounds and keeping him in a position of power that he could use to exploit others.

In fact–and I couldn’t even make this stuff up if I tried–after he left me, Mark began a relationship with the woman who coordinated that particular festival, among other people. He also began a relationship with a woman he’d met when we taught at a Pagan student conference, and then dumped her after revealing that he’d been cheating on her with another Pagan in Michigan that he met under the auspices of her being his student.

So, it’s not just me making this stuff up. There really is a pattern to his behavior.

What’s Abuse? What Do We Do With Abusers?
When Mark left, I opted to just make a public announcement on my Facebook about what had happened. There wasn’t any way around Facebook not announcing “Shauna is now Single,” and I thought, I’m going to be telling this story anyways, I should just be public about it, particularly as I began to understand the full scope of his abuse and his theft.

After he left, I discovered that Mark had arranged for several teaching engagements with various festivals. Some were festivals where I originally had introduced him to the organizers. And I was torn. Do I contact them and “warn” them? 

In my experience, nobody listens to that, and I’d just get branded as “the crazy ex with sour grapes.” I tried to take a stance of being very public about what Mark did to me–and later as things came out, about what he did to other women–but I only opted to contact one festival organizer whom I knew well to let her know what had happened before.

In her case, she’d been duped by another Pagan/Occult teacher and it broke her group apart in the past. Though, ironically, not only did she not ban Mark as a teacher, she let him live with her for a time, though I understand he’s currently banned from her land and events for something he did.

Organizers Turn a Blind Eye
One or two festival organizers reached out to me to ask for details on what Mark had done and promised to keep an eye on him, but that was it.

Ultimately, Mark is reflective of the problem in our community that created a hunting ground for Kenny Klein.

I’ve heard over and over the excuses that what Mark did is just he said/she said, or, it’s “just” domestic abuse. Or what several festival organizers have told me, “If I kick him out then I’m taking sides in your domestic squabble.”

And here’s where we start to run into some real gray area, because we have to ask, what is abuse? What behavior is acceptable in our leaders?

When you hire a Pagan teacher, publish a Pagan author, what are you promoting? What behavior are you making ok? If you know about things they have done and hire them anyways, what are you enabling?

Abusive Leaders and Victim Blaming
I know of tons of Pagan leaders who are verbally and emotionally abusive. They aren’t predators, aren’t rapists, but they sure are assholes, and we sure do keep empowering them to lead groups or sell books. Some are a shade more dangerous than that. Still others use their position as teachers to get laid. And to be sure, there are more child molesters out there waiting to be found. 

We have a culture in the Pagan community of wanting everything to be free. Sex is cool, sex should be fun for everyone, we should all be free. We are all seekers of spiritual truth, we shouldn’t kick anyone out. Except…we are a breeding ground for bad behavior.

We don’t listen to our victims. We dismiss it as, “Surely you are overreacting.” “You must have been mistaken.” Kenny Klein’s victims have been coming forward in the form of people who were teenagers at the time at festivals he was at, his ex wife, and his children. Not only were his ex wife and children not believed by local festival and community organizers–they were basically excommunicated.

We need to start listening to our victims and taking their complaints seriously.

But Not Pagan Homeland Security
Nor do I advocate that we kick every person out for every single complaint. To be quite frank, those of us who travel and teach acquire our own set of stalkers and weirdos. I’ve had to block a few people on Facebook who wanted me to come out and live with them or other weird creepy stuff, and when you cut off a stalker, there’s pushback. I hear this from many Pagan authors, and from a number of group leaders–people make up some crazy accusations when you turn them down.

And there’s this other problem we have in the Pagan community. I won’t go into the complexities of why, but we do have a lot of professional victims out there who, when they don’t get what they want, accuse a group leader of sexually assaulting them or of being a pedophile or other various accusations.

Having heard about and witnessed (or been involved in) a number of Pagan disputes, let me just sum it up by saying, it can get really fucked up. And determining who the actual victim is can be like sorting a ball of yarn after a cat got at it.

What Next?
What is clear is that we have some real problems in the Pagan community around abusive behavior. And, they aren’t easy problems to solve, which is–I think–part of why we often give up. It’s also a really uncomfortable set of topics, because it basically means that victims have to come forward and share their stories and relive what they went through. 

I’ve been going through it myself, particularly since my own abuser, Mark, opted to contact me and tell me he was sorry I felt the need to keep talking about what happened. And that he forgave me.

While that still has me wanting to vomit, I am reading stories online or hearing people share with me one-on-one from other people sharing their stories of molestation, rape, and other abuse. So yeah…we have a problem.

As always, I am an optimist. I believe we can be better. And in part 2 (because this got far longer than I planned on) I’ll outline a few thoughts on what might help us, as a community, to build a healthier community for the future.

 

 


Filed under: Leadership, Pagan Community

Announcing Pagan Leadership Anthology through Immanion Press

3398838_xlI’m very excited to announce that I will be editing an anthology for Immanion Press with Taylor Ellwood on Pagan Leadership. Below is the call for writers.

Call for papers for Pagan Leadership: An Anthology on Group Dynamics, Healthy Boundaries, and Community Activism.

 

Megalithica Books, an imprint of Immanion Press (Stafford, U.K./Portland, OR, U.S.A) is seeking submissions for Pagan Leadership: An anthology on Group Dynamics, Healthy Boundaries, and Community Activism

 

Deadline for submissions: September 1 2014.

The words “Pagan Leadership” are often met with scorn and tales of failed groups and so-called Witch Wars. And yet, as our communities grow and mature, we find ourselves in dire need of healthy, ethical leaders. Anyone who has been in a group that said, “Let’s just not have any leaders or power issues,” has seen what doesn’t work. But what does?

This anthology will explore leadership for real Pagans and real groups. We’re looking for essays and articles that detail leadership success stories, best practices, and ways you have worked through challenges and obstacles. Our specific focus is on techniques to help Pagans build healthier, stronger, and more sustainable groups and communities. We’d like to see a combination of hands-on how-to, personally-inspired, and academic pieces that will offer readers tools they can use in their own groups.

What resources do you have now that you wish you’d had when you stepped into leadership? What problems have you faced and overcome? How have you faced the unique difficulties of grassroots Pagan leadership? What are tools and techniques that have worked? Essays and articles should be 1500-4,000 words.

We’re also looking for brief (500-1000 words) personal stories of what we might call leadership disasters—community blow-ups that you’ve personally witnessed or even mistakes you’ve made as a leader. With few exceptions, these would be published anonymously (not naming names/locations) in order to illustrate, through the personal voice of storytelling, the need for leadership education through the power of storytelling. These stories do not need to be formally written; they should simply tell a story about problems you experienced that caused a group to blow up. Note: We prefer shorter pieces for this, but up to 2,000 words might work.

What we are not looking for:

We are not looking for spells or rituals. We’d also prefer to not see generalized advice, like “leaders should delegate,” but rather, “Here’s how I learned to delegate in my group” or “here’s how a team I was part of successfully handled delegation.”

Here are some suggested topics to give you an idea of the focus of this anthology:

  • Planning a successful Pagan event, or running a successful coven or circle, or—how those involve different leadership processes
  • Skills to build community from the ground up, and skills to sustain a community long-term
  • Organizational leadership techniques
  • Transformational leadership and servant leadership
  • Experiences with Pagan unity councils or other collaborative work between groups
  • Dealing with local Pagan politics, including dealing with difficult, mentally ill, or abusive local leaders
  • Dealing with difficult and disruptive group members, spotting predatory practices, red flags
  • Gossip, bickering, rumors, and triangulation, ego and egotism, conflict resolution and personality conflicts
  • Communication skills and techniques
  • Personal work and self transformation required to be a leader, boundaries, dealing with personal burnout
  • Administrative aspects of leadership, leadership structures like bylaws, mission statements
  • Handling money in your group
  • Ethics of leadership
  • Delegation and dealing with volunteers dropping the ball
  • Keeping people motivated, empowering group members and new leaders, passing on the reigns of leadership
  • Creating a safe space
  • Different leadership models (consensus, hierarchy, rotating leadership, democracy)
  • Facing a leadership disaster/crisis

Submission Deadline is September 1st. Articles should be 1500-4000 words, although if your work falls outside those limits, do submit it – we can discuss this during the editing process. Personal experience essays should be 300-2,000 words. Drop us an email if you are unsure whether your idea fits into the content. The sooner you start the communication process the better, as after the deadline we won’t be considering additional ideas.

Do write in your voice! If you’re academically inclined or trained, feel free to be as intelligent and technical as you like, and writing in the first person is fine as well. These drafts will be edited in a back-and-forth process with the editor. If your essay is not accepted for the anthology, we will tell you after the first round of edits.

E-mail for inquiries and submissions: ShaunaAura@gmail.com
Please put “Immanion Press Leadership Anthology Submission” in your subject line.

Essay requirements:

Compensation:

Accepted contributors will receive a free copy of the anthology when it is published and additional copies sold at 40% off the cover price to contributors. All contributors will be provided with a contract upon final acceptance of their essays.

Rights:

This anthology will take nonexclusive first world rights for 6 months.

Editors: The anthology will be edited by Shauna Aura Knight and Taylor Ellwood:

Shauna Aura Knight is an artist, author, community leader, presenter, and spiritual seeker who travels nationally speaking on the transformative arts of ritual, community leadership, and personal growth. She is the author of several books including The Leader Within and Ritual Facilitation. She’s a columnist on ritual techniques for Circle Magazine and writes frequent articles and blogs on the topic of Pagan leadership, and her writing also appears in several Pagan anthologies. You can find her site at: https://shaunaauraknight.com/books  and her leadership blog at: http://shaunaaura.wordpress.com and her email address for this anthology is ShaunaAura@gmail.com

Taylor Ellwood is the author of Pop Culture Magick, Magical Identity, and other books on magic. He is also the managing non-fiction editor of Immanion Press. He can be found online at http://www.magicalexperiments.com

Immanion Press is a small independent press based in the United Kingdom. Founded by author Storm Constantine, it expanded into occult nonfiction in 2004 with the publication of Taylor Ellwood’s Pop Culture Magick. Today, Immanion’s nonfiction line, under the Megalithica Books imprint, has a growing reputation for edgy, experimental texts on primarily intermediate and advanced pagan and occult topics. Find out more at http://www.immanion-press.com.

- See more at: http://www.magicalexperiments.com/blog/#sthash.RiBZEQGi.dpuf


Filed under: Leadership, Pagan Community, Personal Growth

Announcing Pagan Leadership Anthology through Immanion Press

3398838_xlI’m very excited to announce that I will be editing an anthology for Immanion Press with Taylor Ellwood on Pagan Leadership. Below is the call for writers.

Call for papers for Pagan Leadership: An Anthology on Group Dynamics, Healthy Boundaries, and Community Activism.

 

Megalithica Books, an imprint of Immanion Press (Stafford, U.K./Portland, OR, U.S.A) is seeking submissions for Pagan Leadership: An anthology on Group Dynamics, Healthy Boundaries, and Community Activism

 

Deadline for submissions: September 1 2014.

The words “Pagan Leadership” are often met with scorn and tales of failed groups and so-called Witch Wars. And yet, as our communities grow and mature, we find ourselves in dire need of healthy, ethical leaders. Anyone who has been in a group that said, “Let’s just not have any leaders or power issues,” has seen what doesn’t work. But what does?

This anthology will explore leadership for real Pagans and real groups. We’re looking for essays and articles that detail leadership success stories, best practices, and ways you have worked through challenges and obstacles. Our specific focus is on techniques to help Pagans build healthier, stronger, and more sustainable groups and communities. We’d like to see a combination of hands-on how-to, personally-inspired, and academic pieces that will offer readers tools they can use in their own groups.

What resources do you have now that you wish you’d had when you stepped into leadership? What problems have you faced and overcome? How have you faced the unique difficulties of grassroots Pagan leadership? What are tools and techniques that have worked? Essays and articles should be 1500-4,000 words.

We’re also looking for brief (500-1000 words) personal stories of what we might call leadership disasters—community blow-ups that you’ve personally witnessed or even mistakes you’ve made as a leader. With few exceptions, these would be published anonymously (not naming names/locations) in order to illustrate, through the personal voice of storytelling, the need for leadership education through the power of storytelling. These stories do not need to be formally written; they should simply tell a story about problems you experienced that caused a group to blow up. Note: We prefer shorter pieces for this, but up to 2,000 words might work.

What we are not looking for:

We are not looking for spells or rituals. We’d also prefer to not see generalized advice, like “leaders should delegate,” but rather, “Here’s how I learned to delegate in my group” or “here’s how a team I was part of successfully handled delegation.”

Here are some suggested topics to give you an idea of the focus of this anthology:

  • Planning a successful Pagan event, or running a successful coven or circle, or—how those involve different leadership processes
  • Skills to build community from the ground up, and skills to sustain a community long-term
  • Organizational leadership techniques
  • Transformational leadership and servant leadership
  • Experiences with Pagan unity councils or other collaborative work between groups
  • Dealing with local Pagan politics, including dealing with difficult, mentally ill, or abusive local leaders
  • Dealing with difficult and disruptive group members, spotting predatory practices, red flags
  • Gossip, bickering, rumors, and triangulation, ego and egotism, conflict resolution and personality conflicts
  • Communication skills and techniques
  • Personal work and self transformation required to be a leader, boundaries, dealing with personal burnout
  • Administrative aspects of leadership, leadership structures like bylaws, mission statements
  • Handling money in your group
  • Ethics of leadership
  • Delegation and dealing with volunteers dropping the ball
  • Keeping people motivated, empowering group members and new leaders, passing on the reigns of leadership
  • Creating a safe space
  • Different leadership models (consensus, hierarchy, rotating leadership, democracy)
  • Facing a leadership disaster/crisis

Submission Deadline is September 1st. Articles should be 1500-4000 words, although if your work falls outside those limits, do submit it – we can discuss this during the editing process. Personal experience essays should be 300-2,000 words. Drop us an email if you are unsure whether your idea fits into the content. The sooner you start the communication process the better, as after the deadline we won’t be considering additional ideas.

Do write in your voice! If you’re academically inclined or trained, feel free to be as intelligent and technical as you like, and writing in the first person is fine as well. These drafts will be edited in a back-and-forth process with the editor. If your essay is not accepted for the anthology, we will tell you after the first round of edits.

E-mail for inquiries and submissions: ShaunaAura@gmail.com
Please put “Immanion Press Leadership Anthology Submission” in your subject line.

Essay requirements:

Compensation:

Accepted contributors will receive a free copy of the anthology when it is published and additional copies sold at 40% off the cover price to contributors. All contributors will be provided with a contract upon final acceptance of their essays.

Rights:

This anthology will take nonexclusive first world rights for 6 months.

Editors: The anthology will be edited by Shauna Aura Knight and Taylor Ellwood:

Shauna Aura Knight is an artist, author, community leader, presenter, and spiritual seeker who travels nationally speaking on the transformative arts of ritual, community leadership, and personal growth. She is the author of several books including The Leader Within and Ritual Facilitation. She’s a columnist on ritual techniques for Circle Magazine and writes frequent articles and blogs on the topic of Pagan leadership, and her writing also appears in several Pagan anthologies. You can find her site at: https://shaunaauraknight.com/books  and her leadership blog at: https://shaunaaura.wordpress.com and her email address for this anthology is ShaunaAura@gmail.com

Taylor Ellwood is the author of Pop Culture Magick, Magical Identity, and other books on magic. He is also the managing non-fiction editor of Immanion Press. He can be found online at http://www.magicalexperiments.com

Immanion Press is a small independent press based in the United Kingdom. Founded by author Storm Constantine, it expanded into occult nonfiction in 2004 with the publication of Taylor Ellwood’s Pop Culture Magick. Today, Immanion’s nonfiction line, under the Megalithica Books imprint, has a growing reputation for edgy, experimental texts on primarily intermediate and advanced pagan and occult topics. Find out more at http://www.immanion-press.com.

- See more at: http://www.magicalexperiments.com/blog/#sthash.RiBZEQGi.dpuf


Filed under: Leadership, Pagan Community, Personal Growth

Pagan Infrastructure: Fundraising Challenges We Face

4502486_xlIt’s probably pretty obvious that I’m in support of Pagan infrastructure, whether that’s seminary/clergy training, leadership training, physical sacred land, or other Pagan organizations.

My own 5-10-year plan is to have land of my own outside of Chicago; a seminary/monastery/temple/farm/cooperative living space. I want to help offer leadership training to Pagans who are looking for that, as well as have self-sustaining land.

But there’s a few challenges to building that infrastructure, and to fundraising for that. Some challenges are easier to overcome than others.

I’ve been thinking a lot about sustainability in the past years as I’ve worked to create an organization focused on offering Pagan leadership training to bring forward what I learned at Diana’s Grove and other places.

As I post this, I’m in the final hours of my fundraiser on Indiegogo. I’ve become aware in the past months that I can’t keep going traveling and teaching the way that I have. It’s not financially sustainable for me. And yet, I feel strongly that Pagans need the infrastructure of more leadership training, Pagans need access to it, but therein lies one of the conundrums. There are many infrastructures that I think Pagans really want–and that our communities really need as we move forward–but there’s a few things in our way.

————————————————————

First–a quick plea for assistance. I’m in the final days of my Indiegogo campaign to raise funds so I can continue traveling and teaching leadership and writing articles like this. I’m offering cool perks from $1 and up, including leadership resources. Every dollar helps. If my writing is useful to you, please consider contributing so I can keep doing this work.  http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/leadership-education-and-writing-for-pagan-community/

——————————————————————–

I’ve worked to observe the Pagan community and try to deconstruct some of the less-useful statements like “All Pagans are broke” and look at what’s going on beneath the surface. Here are some of the challenges in the way of building infrastructures for the Pagan community, and thus, challenges to fundraising.

  1. Pagans are often anti-establishment and resistant to donating money, especially Pagans who converted from one of the dominant religions. (Though, Pagans are just as susceptible to capitalism as anyone else and will pay for “shiny” things/events.)
  2. Pagans are often counterculture and creative types  which seems to result in less Pagans having higher-paying jobs, or, Pagans who are more adversely affected by the crappy economy. We have a lot of artists, creatives, and dreamers, and typically folks like this take lower-paying jobs or are more adversely affected by an economic downturn.
  3. A lot of Pagan leaders and groups out there have screwed up with money in the past, making it difficult for Pagans to want to donate to them, or to other groups. A group in Michigan dissolved after decades of work raising 25K for land which was embezzled by a board member with catastrophic medical expenses.
  4. Many Pagan leaders don’t have the business/not-for-profit management skills to manage an organization and make it financially sound. In fact those skills take money to gain, so it’s a catch-22. I’ll tell you this–if I had the money to go back to school, I’d finish up my bachelors and get a certificate in NFP management.
  5. Numbers. We’re perhap 1/2 of 1% of the population or less. So the population size that many of the dominant religions pull get tithes/donations from for tithes isn’t feasible for a Pagan group just because of numbers.
  6. Diverse traditions. Just because there are maybe a few thousand Pagans in all of Chicagoland, doesn’t mean all of them follow my tradition or your tradition or any of the traditions represented by a local group. In fact, there are dozens and dozens if not hundreds of specific traditions–someone might be the only Hellenic or Celtic Reconstructionist in a hundred miles.

All of these factors–and more–add up to why it’s difficult to build Pagan infrastructure. Not impossible, just an uphill struggle.

We can do it by solving problems on both ends of the spectrum–the problematic leadership issues, and, the Pagans who feel they shouldn’t have to pay for anything. I think there are a number of factors that could shift the balance in fundraising:

  1. Strong, healthy organizations that are vocal–we need some organizations that don’t have a back history of disgruntlement to step forward and do great work and have clear, clean books. And, perhaps as well, longer-term orgs who may have made mistakes but who have worked to correct those, and there’s a few orgs that could fall into that category. Basically, we need some “poster” organizations, some flagships, to say, “See, an ethically-run NFP can do a good job with your money, and here’s how they did it.”
  2. Continue developing Pagan interest in philanthropy. This one’s harder, and requires Pagans to see the value in donating to the orgs out there doing work. But, #1 helps with this. Focusing on the needs of Pagans is another way–ie, making a strong connection between, this is your money, and this is what your money buys in terms of Pagan services.

What does the future look like?
There are some really amazing possibilities and resources out there. There are some Pagans doing things that are already providing resources for our communities, like Circle Sanctuary, that does a lot of Pagan advocacy. Cherry Hill, that is a non-tradition-specific Pagan seminary providing tools and skills including pastoral counseling, among other things. There’s the new organization, the Pantheon Foundation, that launched at PantheaCon this year, that will offer fiscal sponsorship to smaller Pagan groups that don’t have the resources to get a 501C3 designation on their own, among other things. There’s The Wild Hunt blog, which is a news outlet for Pagans about news within the community, as well as an aggregator about Pagans in the news.

There are a lot of other resources out there. There are success stories and there are failures. There are many Pagans who have tried to create a local Pagan community center, or who have bought Pagan land. Some have been successful, some have not. Any group out there that organized a Pagan Pride event or other small festival probably had to raise money somehow to make that happen, or at least marshall volunteer forces.

The one thing that is consistent in all of this, however, is that these organizations need money to do the work they do. And that’s for various reasons and doesn’t at all have to do with largesse and mismanagement of resources. It takes money to build infrastructure. It takes volunteers to build infrastructure. It takes professionals to build infrastructure. 

We can have some amazing resources as a community if we work together. Some of the problems we face don’t have easy solutions, but if there is one strength to the Pagan community, it’s that we’ve always done a lot with a little. We know how to stretch our resources. We know how to be creative.

I’m an optimist. I’m excited for what we can do together. On Wednesday, I’ll be announcing a call for writing submissions on an anthology for Pagan leadership through Immanion Press, and I’d love to hear of some of the success stories out there. I’d love to be able to talk about the things we’ve done, and what we can do together if we put our collective brilliance to it.


Filed under: Leadership, Pagan Community Tagged: community, community building, impact, leadership, Pagan community, Paganism, pagans, structure, sustainability, sustainable

Pagan Infrastructure: Fundraising Challenges We Face

4502486_xlIt’s probably pretty obvious that I’m in support of Pagan infrastructure, whether that’s seminary/clergy training, leadership training, physical sacred land, or other Pagan organizations.

My own 5-10-year plan is to have land of my own outside of Chicago; a seminary/monastery/temple/farm/cooperative living space. I want to help offer leadership training to Pagans who are looking for that, as well as have self-sustaining land.

But there’s a few challenges to building that infrastructure, and to fundraising for that. Some challenges are easier to overcome than others.

I’ve been thinking a lot about sustainability in the past years as I’ve worked to create an organization focused on offering Pagan leadership training to bring forward what I learned at Diana’s Grove and other places.

As I post this, I’m in the final hours of my fundraiser on Indiegogo. I’ve become aware in the past months that I can’t keep going traveling and teaching the way that I have. It’s not financially sustainable for me. And yet, I feel strongly that Pagans need the infrastructure of more leadership training, Pagans need access to it, but therein lies one of the conundrums. There are many infrastructures that I think Pagans really want–and that our communities really need as we move forward–but there’s a few things in our way.

————————————————————

First–a quick plea for assistance. I’m in the final days of my Indiegogo campaign to raise funds so I can continue traveling and teaching leadership and writing articles like this. I’m offering cool perks from $1 and up, including leadership resources. Every dollar helps. If my writing is useful to you, please consider contributing so I can keep doing this work.  http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/leadership-education-and-writing-for-pagan-community/

——————————————————————–

I’ve worked to observe the Pagan community and try to deconstruct some of the less-useful statements like “All Pagans are broke” and look at what’s going on beneath the surface. Here are some of the challenges in the way of building infrastructures for the Pagan community, and thus, challenges to fundraising.

  1. Pagans are often anti-establishment and resistant to donating money, especially Pagans who converted from one of the dominant religions. (Though, Pagans are just as susceptible to capitalism as anyone else and will pay for “shiny” things/events.)
  2. Pagans are often counterculture and creative types  which seems to result in less Pagans having higher-paying jobs, or, Pagans who are more adversely affected by the crappy economy. We have a lot of artists, creatives, and dreamers, and typically folks like this take lower-paying jobs or are more adversely affected by an economic downturn.
  3. A lot of Pagan leaders and groups out there have screwed up with money in the past, making it difficult for Pagans to want to donate to them, or to other groups. A group in Michigan dissolved after decades of work raising 25K for land which was embezzled by a board member with catastrophic medical expenses.
  4. Many Pagan leaders don’t have the business/not-for-profit management skills to manage an organization and make it financially sound. In fact those skills take money to gain, so it’s a catch-22. I’ll tell you this–if I had the money to go back to school, I’d finish up my bachelors and get a certificate in NFP management.
  5. Numbers. We’re perhap 1/2 of 1% of the population or less. So the population size that many of the dominant religions pull get tithes/donations from for tithes isn’t feasible for a Pagan group just because of numbers.
  6. Diverse traditions. Just because there are maybe a few thousand Pagans in all of Chicagoland, doesn’t mean all of them follow my tradition or your tradition or any of the traditions represented by a local group. In fact, there are dozens and dozens if not hundreds of specific traditions–someone might be the only Hellenic or Celtic Reconstructionist in a hundred miles.

All of these factors–and more–add up to why it’s difficult to build Pagan infrastructure. Not impossible, just an uphill struggle.

We can do it by solving problems on both ends of the spectrum–the problematic leadership issues, and, the Pagans who feel they shouldn’t have to pay for anything. I think there are a number of factors that could shift the balance in fundraising:

  1. Strong, healthy organizations that are vocal–we need some organizations that don’t have a back history of disgruntlement to step forward and do great work and have clear, clean books. And, perhaps as well, longer-term orgs who may have made mistakes but who have worked to correct those, and there’s a few orgs that could fall into that category. Basically, we need some “poster” organizations, some flagships, to say, “See, an ethically-run NFP can do a good job with your money, and here’s how they did it.”
  2. Continue developing Pagan interest in philanthropy. This one’s harder, and requires Pagans to see the value in donating to the orgs out there doing work. But, #1 helps with this. Focusing on the needs of Pagans is another way–ie, making a strong connection between, this is your money, and this is what your money buys in terms of Pagan services.

What does the future look like?
There are some really amazing possibilities and resources out there. There are some Pagans doing things that are already providing resources for our communities, like Circle Sanctuary, that does a lot of Pagan advocacy. Cherry Hill, that is a non-tradition-specific Pagan seminary providing tools and skills including pastoral counseling, among other things. There’s the new organization, the Pantheon Foundation, that launched at PantheaCon this year, that will offer fiscal sponsorship to smaller Pagan groups that don’t have the resources to get a 501C3 designation on their own, among other things. There’s The Wild Hunt blog, which is a news outlet for Pagans about news within the community, as well as an aggregator about Pagans in the news.

There are a lot of other resources out there. There are success stories and there are failures. There are many Pagans who have tried to create a local Pagan community center, or who have bought Pagan land. Some have been successful, some have not. Any group out there that organized a Pagan Pride event or other small festival probably had to raise money somehow to make that happen, or at least marshall volunteer forces.

The one thing that is consistent in all of this, however, is that these organizations need money to do the work they do. And that’s for various reasons and doesn’t at all have to do with largesse and mismanagement of resources. It takes money to build infrastructure. It takes volunteers to build infrastructure. It takes professionals to build infrastructure. 

We can have some amazing resources as a community if we work together. Some of the problems we face don’t have easy solutions, but if there is one strength to the Pagan community, it’s that we’ve always done a lot with a little. We know how to stretch our resources. We know how to be creative.

I’m an optimist. I’m excited for what we can do together. On Wednesday, I’ll be announcing a call for writing submissions on an anthology for Pagan leadership through Immanion Press, and I’d love to hear of some of the success stories out there. I’d love to be able to talk about the things we’ve done, and what we can do together if we put our collective brilliance to it.


Filed under: Leadership, Pagan Community Tagged: community, community building, impact, leadership, Pagan community, Paganism, pagans, structure, sustainability, sustainable

Fundraising 4: Free Services for Pagan Events

3570095_xlOne of my great regrets as a Pagan organizer is that when I run an event, I’m often asking people to present or perform for free. Granted–I’m often presenting for free myself. But I still feel that people offering up a professional skill should be paid for their work.

Yet, I know how much most regular Pagan events pull in financially. I know that an event without a big name will probably bring in just enough to pay expenses.

On the other hand, I meet a lot of people, including Pagan organizers, that assume that any Pagan should offer their skills and talents for free, and I’m not ok with that. But how do we negotiate the gray area on this?

Some readers, performers, and presenters are happy to donate their time. Many of them can’t contribute financially to the event, but they can donate their time. In fact, several members of my own community in Chicago can’t afford to donate financially toward an event, however, they come early to help me set up, and stay late to help me clean up.

I think as members of a community that that is a fair contract–people offer their time and services, and help build a stronger community that they themselves are invested in, and that in term serves them. I’ve traveled and taught for free, and I’ve paid out of pocket for gas money, plus car repairs. I’ve paid out of pocket to teach at Pagan Pride events, I pay to travel to Pagan conferences, I pay for hotel out of pocket. As I’ve mentioned in past articles, even when I travel and teach for the cost of gas, there’s the “cost” of car maintenance.

And over time, I’ve gotten to a place where I cannot teach for free. If it’s local and there’s no big travel cost, and I want to support a community initiative–sure. I can do that. But, I can’t afford to drive a few hours and eat the cost of gas and car maintenance. I wish I could, but I can’t.

————————————————————

First–a quick plea for assistance. I’m in the final days of my Indiegogo campaign to raise funds so I can continue traveling and teaching leadership and writing articles like this. I’m offering cool perks from $1 and up, including leadership resources. Every dollar helps. If my writing is useful to you, please consider contributing so I can keep doing this work.  http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/leadership-education-and-writing-for-pagan-community/

——————————————————————–

Free isn’t Free
So I think that the first thing an event coordinator needs to be aware of is that free isn’t free. If a band comes and plays at your event, there’s the cost of travel, the hassle of moving equipment, dozens of other factors. I’ve seen a few great memes on Facebook about how many venues will tell a band, “Oh, you should do my bar for $0 or for $__ pittance, because it’ll get you great exposure.”

That band is still racking up a cost by playing, particularly if any travel is involved. For many living the “starving artist” lifestyle, that’s really not too far from the truth. That $5 or $10 (or $100) in gas money is more than their monthly budget allows for.

I have people all the time say, “Oh, my event is just over in ___, and it’s a free event so I can’t pay you, but it’ll be good exposure.” Well…it is good exposure. Maybe. But I may literally not have the $30 to get there and back.

So when you’re considering asking someone to offer their services at your event for free, first take into account what they might be paying out of pocket. And, perhaps that’s an area of negotiation; maybe they would be able to play your event (or take pictures, or read cards) if you were able to provide them travel money. Also consider proactive ways that you can promote that professional and their work to help make the event worth their while.

It’s at least a place to start.

Reasons to do an Event for Free
There are certainly times when it does make sense for someone to do an event for free, whether that’s a band, a reader, a photographer, or a presenter like myself.

  1. If it’s a really great promotional opportunity for me as a band/writer/artist/teacher that will ultimately bring me paid income
  2. If I have a significant investment in a particular community and that’s a way that I can donate my energy. Perhaps a group where I wish I could tithe money to but instead I can offer my services.

When to Ask for People to Donate Their Time
There are times when I ask people if they are willing to do readings at fundraiser events. Or when I ask people to perform as dancers or musicians for free, or to teach workshops for free. I only do this if it’s not going to be a significant outlay of money for them, and if they are willing, and if they have at least some investment in the community. I also may have to squeeze a little money out of the event budget to at least cover their costs.

**As a quick aside, I’m operating under the assumption that I’m talking about presenters, bands, performers, readers, or other professionals who would not necessarily be headliners. If we’re talking about a person or group that are a big draw on their own, that’s a different  contract entirely.

It’s possible that a professional or group might be willing to donate their time for a local cause, but probably only if they have a significant investment in that local community. As an event organizer, I really do hate asking people to donate their time when they are doing work that they should be getting paid for. But then, I hate asking people to pay for classes I teach. I value my time and my work, and yet I know times are tough and I want everyone to have the opportunity to take workshops and attend events.

All I can say is that I’ve been on both sides of it, and it’s walking a tightrope. I wish there was some other financial model that allowed for enough abundance, but sometimes it’s just a numbers game. There needs to be enough people in a community to support an event or a class, and for so many Pagans, there just isn’t.

Entertainment and Big Names
On the other hand, in some areas, a big entertainment-focused event can work as an effective fundraiser. There’s that saying that you have to spend money to make money, and it really is true. When you can afford a better venue, and when you can afford a good DJ or a good band, or a burlesque troop, and afford a good graphic designer to make your promotional materials promoting event…when you have a few thousand dollars to actually put on a big event, you can actually draw in a nice profit and use that to fund future activities.

Similarly, bringing in a bigger name presenter can be a big draw. I’ve worked with a few pretty big names, and for some of them I was convinced that there was no way we were going to be able to pay their fee and travel expenses and the venue. However, for the big names, miraculously people find that $25 or $100 or $200 to attend the event.

Now–I’m not going to get into the angst some Pagans have around the idea of “big name Pagans.” All I will say is, there are some big names that have earned that status because they are freaking amazing teachers, and having the opportunity to take a class with them is more than worth it. These teachers are finite resources–they can only travel so much, and, they will only live so long.

There are other big names that are not worth the time or the money. Figuring that out can be tricky, however, that’s part of why I recommend that any local organizer looking to bring in big names should go to some of the big Pagan conferences to get a feel for what some of those big names offer as far as their skill leading workshops and rituals.

When you are promoting an event to your local community and you are able to say, “I’ve seen Starhawk present in the past and she does amazing work,” that personal testimonial will make people stop and think about it, vs. just, “Oh, another workshop.”

I find that it’s very important to be able to get behind the presenters I’m bringing into town and be able to personally recommend them. I’m not going to bring in a big name just to bring in a lot of money.

It’s worth mentioning at this point that when you bring in a big name band or a presenter for either something like a concert or a witches ball, or for a weekend class, you have to charge more because the band/teacher has a cost. And thus, many of the people in your community who are low income will not be able to afford to attend.

In my case, I generally try to balance this out by offering entertainment events that have a firm cost, and educational events that have scholarships or sliding scale. But sometimes, I just have to charge a flat fee.

This is a difficulty that can better be negotiated through fundraising–if our group has a “kitty” of money and we can pay out of that fund to offer a few scholarships for 2-3 people who are highly active volunteers, that negotiates that pretty well, if I’m able to do something like that. Or, I can negotiate for a few work-exchange slots for people to help out with an event by taking volunteering roles.

Sometimes that works. Sometimes it doesn’t. I’ve heard of numerous examples of events that went out of their way to offer work exchange for volunteers where the volunteers didn’t actually do any work, but still got to attend the class or event.

At some point I’ll probably do a longer post on negotiating work exchange, because it really does need to be contracted out.

And ultimately, as an event coordinator, you’re still left with the struggle of paying your professionals–whether they are a big name or not–and getting enough money in the door to make the event financially sustainable.

Breaking Even
At most Pagan events that I run (ie, small classes and sabbats), it’s been my experience that I’m usually barely able to break even past my rental expenses. I usually have a little bit of money for event food, ritual supplies, Meetup.com costs. Sometimes not.

I’ve found that concerts with more well-known Pagan musicians seem to bring in far more money. There, I make enough money to pay my venue rental, pay my musicians, and put a little in the kitty. The surplus from having SJ Tucker and Sharon Knight in Chicago for Lughnassadh paid for my venue rental for the Samhain ritual, which did not, unfortunately, break even.

And while there are some general event planning patterns that can help any Pagan out there looking to offer events that bring in enough money, a lot of it depends greatly on the region. In some areas, it’s nothing to have to drive an hour or even two hours to get to a Pagan event and people are used to it. In Chicago, if that sabbat ritual isn’t on someone’s train line, it’s unlikely they’re going to attend.

Theoretically in Chicago there are thousands of Pagans, and yet I often get far better attendance when I travel to a rural area. So some of this is knowing about event planning and what will bring in revenue–and some of it is knowing your local community. How far will people travel? How much are they willing to pay for a class? How much are they willing to pay for a concert or ball?

Ultimately my goal is for Pagans to have access to more financial resources. It takes money to make money, and some of the resources we want in our communities have a cost associated. If we have access to more money as a community, we can afford some of those resources, like training for Pagan clergy, or general Pagan education, or dedicated Pagan community centers, or Pagan advocacy groups.

And what is also important is paying our professionals for their time, instead of asking them to offer their skills for free.

When someone donates their time to an event/cause, it’s exactly that–it’s a donation, it’s an offering. It’s an exchange. Maybe an event coordinator is asking me to donate my time. Or, maybe I’m asking them to donate their time.

Any time you’re asking someone to donate their time it should not be an expectation. I would say that as a Pagan teacher, what has upset me the most is the expectation that not only will I teach for free, but when someone assumes I’ll pay out of pocket to travel to XYZ event for free.

It should never be an expectation. I donate my time to events and causes I believe in and want to support, even though I can’t do so financially. For instance, I pay to attend Pagan Spirit Gathering, even though I teach there, because that is my “tithe” to Circle. PSG is a fundraiser that raises money for Circle’s operating costs for the year.

But, any Pagan organizer asking for something like that should understand that that is what they are asking for, not that performers “should” just perform for free, or that readers should automatically donate their time.

Ultimately, this is why a lot of Pagan organizers burn out–negotiating all that is a lot of work. Typically, it’s a lot of unpaid work. Most people only have so much juice for it until they get sick of the endless tightrope walking. Similarly most Pagan performers get pretty sick of being asked to perform for free.

I don’t know the answers for how to bring more revenue into the Pagan community. It sure as heck isn’t bake sales. It’s something I think about a lot, because, if we had a little bit more money to work with, we’d be able to pay more of our professionals and have event budgets that were actually viable. And the more events that we can offer to our communities, the stronger our communities will be.


Filed under: Leadership, Pagan Community, Uncategorized Tagged: clergy, community, leadership, Paganism, sustainability, sustainable, tithing

Fundraising 4: Free Services for Pagan Events

3570095_xlOne of my great regrets as a Pagan organizer is that when I run an event, I’m often asking people to present or perform for free. Granted–I’m often presenting for free myself. But I still feel that people offering up a professional skill should be paid for their work.

Yet, I know how much most regular Pagan events pull in financially. I know that an event without a big name will probably bring in just enough to pay expenses.

On the other hand, I meet a lot of people, including Pagan organizers, that assume that any Pagan should offer their skills and talents for free, and I’m not ok with that. But how do we negotiate the gray area on this?

Some readers, performers, and presenters are happy to donate their time. Many of them can’t contribute financially to the event, but they can donate their time. In fact, several members of my own community in Chicago can’t afford to donate financially toward an event, however, they come early to help me set up, and stay late to help me clean up.

I think as members of a community that that is a fair contract–people offer their time and services, and help build a stronger community that they themselves are invested in, and that in term serves them. I’ve traveled and taught for free, and I’ve paid out of pocket for gas money, plus car repairs. I’ve paid out of pocket to teach at Pagan Pride events, I pay to travel to Pagan conferences, I pay for hotel out of pocket. As I’ve mentioned in past articles, even when I travel and teach for the cost of gas, there’s the “cost” of car maintenance.

And over time, I’ve gotten to a place where I cannot teach for free. If it’s local and there’s no big travel cost, and I want to support a community initiative–sure. I can do that. But, I can’t afford to drive a few hours and eat the cost of gas and car maintenance. I wish I could, but I can’t.

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First–a quick plea for assistance. I’m in the final days of my Indiegogo campaign to raise funds so I can continue traveling and teaching leadership and writing articles like this. I’m offering cool perks from $1 and up, including leadership resources. Every dollar helps. If my writing is useful to you, please consider contributing so I can keep doing this work.  http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/leadership-education-and-writing-for-pagan-community/

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Free isn’t Free
So I think that the first thing an event coordinator needs to be aware of is that free isn’t free. If a band comes and plays at your event, there’s the cost of travel, the hassle of moving equipment, dozens of other factors. I’ve seen a few great memes on Facebook about how many venues will tell a band, “Oh, you should do my bar for $0 or for $__ pittance, because it’ll get you great exposure.”

That band is still racking up a cost by playing, particularly if any travel is involved. For many living the “starving artist” lifestyle, that’s really not too far from the truth. That $5 or $10 (or $100) in gas money is more than their monthly budget allows for.

I have people all the time say, “Oh, my event is just over in ___, and it’s a free event so I can’t pay you, but it’ll be good exposure.” Well…it is good exposure. Maybe. But I may literally not have the $30 to get there and back.

So when you’re considering asking someone to offer their services at your event for free, first take into account what they might be paying out of pocket. And, perhaps that’s an area of negotiation; maybe they would be able to play your event (or take pictures, or read cards) if you were able to provide them travel money. Also consider proactive ways that you can promote that professional and their work to help make the event worth their while.

It’s at least a place to start.

Reasons to do an Event for Free
There are certainly times when it does make sense for someone to do an event for free, whether that’s a band, a reader, a photographer, or a presenter like myself.

  1. If it’s a really great promotional opportunity for me as a band/writer/artist/teacher that will ultimately bring me paid income
  2. If I have a significant investment in a particular community and that’s a way that I can donate my energy. Perhaps a group where I wish I could tithe money to but instead I can offer my services.

When to Ask for People to Donate Their Time
There are times when I ask people if they are willing to do readings at fundraiser events. Or when I ask people to perform as dancers or musicians for free, or to teach workshops for free. I only do this if it’s not going to be a significant outlay of money for them, and if they are willing, and if they have at least some investment in the community. I also may have to squeeze a little money out of the event budget to at least cover their costs.

**As a quick aside, I’m operating under the assumption that I’m talking about presenters, bands, performers, readers, or other professionals who would not necessarily be headliners. If we’re talking about a person or group that are a big draw on their own, that’s a different  contract entirely.

It’s possible that a professional or group might be willing to donate their time for a local cause, but probably only if they have a significant investment in that local community. As an event organizer, I really do hate asking people to donate their time when they are doing work that they should be getting paid for. But then, I hate asking people to pay for classes I teach. I value my time and my work, and yet I know times are tough and I want everyone to have the opportunity to take workshops and attend events.

All I can say is that I’ve been on both sides of it, and it’s walking a tightrope. I wish there was some other financial model that allowed for enough abundance, but sometimes it’s just a numbers game. There needs to be enough people in a community to support an event or a class, and for so many Pagans, there just isn’t.

Entertainment and Big Names
On the other hand, in some areas, a big entertainment-focused event can work as an effective fundraiser. There’s that saying that you have to spend money to make money, and it really is true. When you can afford a better venue, and when you can afford a good DJ or a good band, or a burlesque troop, and afford a good graphic designer to make your promotional materials promoting event…when you have a few thousand dollars to actually put on a big event, you can actually draw in a nice profit and use that to fund future activities.

Similarly, bringing in a bigger name presenter can be a big draw. I’ve worked with a few pretty big names, and for some of them I was convinced that there was no way we were going to be able to pay their fee and travel expenses and the venue. However, for the big names, miraculously people find that $25 or $100 or $200 to attend the event.

Now–I’m not going to get into the angst some Pagans have around the idea of “big name Pagans.” All I will say is, there are some big names that have earned that status because they are freaking amazing teachers, and having the opportunity to take a class with them is more than worth it. These teachers are finite resources–they can only travel so much, and, they will only live so long.

There are other big names that are not worth the time or the money. Figuring that out can be tricky, however, that’s part of why I recommend that any local organizer looking to bring in big names should go to some of the big Pagan conferences to get a feel for what some of those big names offer as far as their skill leading workshops and rituals.

When you are promoting an event to your local community and you are able to say, “I’ve seen Starhawk present in the past and she does amazing work,” that personal testimonial will make people stop and think about it, vs. just, “Oh, another workshop.”

I find that it’s very important to be able to get behind the presenters I’m bringing into town and be able to personally recommend them. I’m not going to bring in a big name just to bring in a lot of money.

It’s worth mentioning at this point that when you bring in a big name band or a presenter for either something like a concert or a witches ball, or for a weekend class, you have to charge more because the band/teacher has a cost. And thus, many of the people in your community who are low income will not be able to afford to attend.

In my case, I generally try to balance this out by offering entertainment events that have a firm cost, and educational events that have scholarships or sliding scale. But sometimes, I just have to charge a flat fee.

This is a difficulty that can better be negotiated through fundraising–if our group has a “kitty” of money and we can pay out of that fund to offer a few scholarships for 2-3 people who are highly active volunteers, that negotiates that pretty well, if I’m able to do something like that. Or, I can negotiate for a few work-exchange slots for people to help out with an event by taking volunteering roles.

Sometimes that works. Sometimes it doesn’t. I’ve heard of numerous examples of events that went out of their way to offer work exchange for volunteers where the volunteers didn’t actually do any work, but still got to attend the class or event.

At some point I’ll probably do a longer post on negotiating work exchange, because it really does need to be contracted out.

And ultimately, as an event coordinator, you’re still left with the struggle of paying your professionals–whether they are a big name or not–and getting enough money in the door to make the event financially sustainable.

Breaking Even
At most Pagan events that I run (ie, small classes and sabbats), it’s been my experience that I’m usually barely able to break even past my rental expenses. I usually have a little bit of money for event food, ritual supplies, Meetup.com costs. Sometimes not.

I’ve found that concerts with more well-known Pagan musicians seem to bring in far more money. There, I make enough money to pay my venue rental, pay my musicians, and put a little in the kitty. The surplus from having SJ Tucker and Sharon Knight in Chicago for Lughnassadh paid for my venue rental for the Samhain ritual, which did not, unfortunately, break even.

And while there are some general event planning patterns that can help any Pagan out there looking to offer events that bring in enough money, a lot of it depends greatly on the region. In some areas, it’s nothing to have to drive an hour or even two hours to get to a Pagan event and people are used to it. In Chicago, if that sabbat ritual isn’t on someone’s train line, it’s unlikely they’re going to attend.

Theoretically in Chicago there are thousands of Pagans, and yet I often get far better attendance when I travel to a rural area. So some of this is knowing about event planning and what will bring in revenue–and some of it is knowing your local community. How far will people travel? How much are they willing to pay for a class? How much are they willing to pay for a concert or ball?

Ultimately my goal is for Pagans to have access to more financial resources. It takes money to make money, and some of the resources we want in our communities have a cost associated. If we have access to more money as a community, we can afford some of those resources, like training for Pagan clergy, or general Pagan education, or dedicated Pagan community centers, or Pagan advocacy groups.

And what is also important is paying our professionals for their time, instead of asking them to offer their skills for free.

When someone donates their time to an event/cause, it’s exactly that–it’s a donation, it’s an offering. It’s an exchange. Maybe an event coordinator is asking me to donate my time. Or, maybe I’m asking them to donate their time.

Any time you’re asking someone to donate their time it should not be an expectation. I would say that as a Pagan teacher, what has upset me the most is the expectation that not only will I teach for free, but when someone assumes I’ll pay out of pocket to travel to XYZ event for free.

It should never be an expectation. I donate my time to events and causes I believe in and want to support, even though I can’t do so financially. For instance, I pay to attend Pagan Spirit Gathering, even though I teach there, because that is my “tithe” to Circle. PSG is a fundraiser that raises money for Circle’s operating costs for the year.

But, any Pagan organizer asking for something like that should understand that that is what they are asking for, not that performers “should” just perform for free, or that readers should automatically donate their time.

Ultimately, this is why a lot of Pagan organizers burn out–negotiating all that is a lot of work. Typically, it’s a lot of unpaid work. Most people only have so much juice for it until they get sick of the endless tightrope walking. Similarly most Pagan performers get pretty sick of being asked to perform for free.

I don’t know the answers for how to bring more revenue into the Pagan community. It sure as heck isn’t bake sales. It’s something I think about a lot, because, if we had a little bit more money to work with, we’d be able to pay more of our professionals and have event budgets that were actually viable. And the more events that we can offer to our communities, the stronger our communities will be.


Filed under: Leadership, Pagan Community, Uncategorized Tagged: clergy, community, leadership, Paganism, sustainability, sustainable, tithing

Fundraising 3: Methods to Raise Funds

ButterflySquareApples2I thought it might be useful to collect some fundraising strategies that have worked for Pagan and small groups. This list isn’t comprehensive, but it can give a small organization a place to start.

I’d be very interested in hearing about other fundraising options that have worked for you and your group in the past–perhaps I’ll feature those ideas in a future blog post.

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First–a quick plea for assistance. I’m in the final days of my Indiegogo campaign to raise funds for a car so I can continue traveling and teaching leadership and writing articles like this. I’m offering cool perks from $1 and up, including leadership resources. Every dollar helps me to get a safe, reliable vehicle for those long road trips. If my writing is useful to you, please consider contributing so I can keep doing this work. If everyone who read my blog this week contributed $1-$5, I’d have a pretty reliable car.  http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/leadership-education-and-writing-for-pagan-community/

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Potluck
What does food have to do with fundraising? If your group is totally against any money changing hands, you can work to build a solid culture of potluckers. This can take time to build up, and sometimes it takes a few really anemic potlucks to be able to point out to folks, “If you want good food to celebrate the sabbat, you all have to bring it.” I have found that it especially helps to address this to the group directly, without blame, but definitely specifically pointing it out vs. being passive aggressive and fuming about it. Encouraging potlucking models co-creation and energetic sharing, and is a good pre-step to fundraising.

Anecdote: In Chicago for the public events I offer, fewer people bring potluck but more are willing to donate cash, and I believe this is 1. Because people are busy, and 2. Because it’s hard to bring potluck on the bus. In this case, I’ve given myself over to just buying some supplementary food out of the event budget, and things work out ok. It’s worth noting that (in Chicago) some small groups with a longstanding culture of potluck will turn out some amazing spreads. It’s also worth noting that groups that start out by running events and almost “catering” the events by bringing a lot of food to them will, in fact, reduce how much potluck others bring, since attendees will perceive that they are being fed and that they don’t need to bring anything.

***If you’re having any kind of food, catered or potluck, please be earth conscious. Don’t buy styrofoam plates that are toxic to you, that have toxic byproducts, and that aren’t going to decompose. If you have to use plastic plates, please find a way to wash and reuse them. Paper plates contribute to clearcutting and deforestation. I recommend setting up a “Green dish station,” though this certainly takes volunteers. But it’s a good place to put volunteers who can’t afford to financially contribute. Contact me if you want more info on what a Green dish station might entail.

Love Offerings Jar/Basket
I find this a good place to start, especially in a group that has a few strong voices against any Pagan classes/events making money. Making 100% transparent the actual cost of venue, candles, and other supplies can help with this. If you’re looking to start somewhere, this is a fairly nonthreatening place to begin.

Energetically, there are some similarities with donations and potluck. If you’ve been offering events where you (the organizers) cater them, you set up the expectation that your participants/attendees don’t need to bring anything. You’re energetically ensuring your audience is passive, that you will take care of their needs for them, and that can become an ingrained, systemic pattern if you’re not careful.

If you’ve been running events for a while, or if your local Pagan culture does not typically ask for donations, it will take some time to build up a culture of attendees willing to donate. Whatever you do at your events sets a tone, an expectation. If you’re moving from events that have been free and you haven’t mentioned all the money you’re putting into things, this is a good transition move. If you’re just starting up events, but aren’t comfortable passing the basket or charging admission, at least have a donation jar of some kind because otherwise, your participants may never even consider that it costs money to run an event like a ritual or classes.

Note: If you’ve been paying out of pocket for months, and find yourself making snippy comments like, “Well, I’m the one who paid for the last 12 events and somehow no one else is stepping up and helping,” or if you have blown up (or feel like you’ll blow up) at the next participant who complains about your event by screaming something like, “You can complain about this event when you’re the one paying for it,” you may want to have someone else on your team explain to people why you’re asking for money.

I’ve been there, and I get it–but blowing up at people does not build a healthy and sustainable structure of raising funds for future event. You’ll have some folks leave the group, you’ll have a bunch of folks give you guilt money, and within a year, a lot of people in your group will mysteriously have drifted away. If you’re that pissed off, find a safe place to vent, so that you can calmly educate people in a non-explosive, non-condescending way, about why funds are being collected.

Pass the Basket
This is a little more aggressive than the love offerings jar. You’re likely to get more donations, but, this is in part because many people will feel (whether or not it’s true) the social pressure of eyes boring into the back of their heads if they don’t drop some money in. For folks who have $5 or $20 on them and no problems donating, this method works, but for folks who really can’t afford to donate, they might feel really uncomfortable having their inability to pay being put out in front of the whole group.

I have never used this model because I have felt put on the spot by it. Similar to the above, guilt isn’t the most long-term sustainable way to get money, even if it raises more funds in the short term. I’ve had members of my team do something similar to this by passing a box around after a class, but I felt that that really put pressure on people to donate, and the newer folks are often skittish, even if they do have money to pay.

I’d rather invest in a long-term relationship rather than get someone’s $20 for that event, since my goal is spiritual community, education, and other services that will help that person on their journey, not just making the money for that event. If your goal is to serve everyone, regardless of ability to pay, I recommend the sliding scale donation which can be paid in more privacy.

Suggested donation/sliding scale
This is the model I use for almost all the classes, rituals, and events I offer. I find that, with few exceptions, this model works the best as a bridge between capitalism and a more communal/tithing model. I have various language I use, and I’m happy to forward you some of that language via email or Facebook. For a ritual or short class (2-4 hours) it’s typically:

Admission: $5-$25 sliding scale, no one turned away for lack of funds. Your donation goes toward space rental, etc. etc.

It takes people a while to “get” the sliding scale/no one turned away model. Many people RSVP “No”for events saying, ‘No, I can’t attend, I don’t have the money,” and so I find a lot of education is necessary to communicate that people are welcome at the event, it’s a donation, and if they can’t pay now but they can pay later, that they’re welcome to pay it forward, or stay and help out with cleanup, or volunteer for other work exchange.

Auctions
This can be a great way to raise funds because people are so much more willing to part with money when they are getting something out of it. It’s a win for the whole community when you do it right–your auction items/services get donated from local artisans and healers, and this gains them exposure and business. It also solidifies your community together in a common cause. Auctions work best when:

  1. You involve the broader community in acquiring donations,
  2. You have a fun event around the auction,
  3. You have a good auctioneer,
  4. You have people willing to spend money on things not just for themselves, but for others,
  5. Well organized auction table with nice bid sheets,
  6. Have some silent auction, and only big ticket items go for voice auction before the group, so that the auction doesn’t drag on forever, which is a big buzzkill
  7. Break up auctioning with some kind of entertainment (engaging local musicians or entertainers works well)

When I haven’t done this, proceeds are lower, or people get bored and drift away. For small auctions I’ve brought in $100-$200, for “big” causes I’ve brought in $1500-$2000, even in places where the local Pagans told me they’d never raised more than $50 at an event before.

Donations for Charities:
Everything I’ve mentioned thus far is ways to raise money for groups, regardless of the purpose of the money. My assumption here is that you’re looking for ways to raise funds for the operating costs of your group, space rental, or saving up for future events and endeavors. However, it’s worth mentioning that these are methods often employed for raising money for charities and other causes.

In fact, most of the time when I see Pagan groups (or organizations like Pagan Pride) using these methods, it’s to raise funds for local charities. That’s never a bad thing, and it’s good to give back to the needy. However, I would offer the caution that some groups get into the trap where they are told (or other local groups or individuals loudly proclaim) that it’s only ok to fundraise for a charity, not for the group itself.

Similar to this, I’ve seen groups offering Pagan Pride-like events that put all the money raised into charity donations for something like a women’s shelter, and then when they start organizing next year’s event, they have no seed money at all to rent a venue.

If you’re fundraising for charity, I recommend keeping some of the money for group activities, and making that transparent. Or, as I like to call it, putting your own oxygen mask on first. If you have a great event planned, but none of your vendors have pre-registered and you can’t secure the space and have to cancel the event, then you don’t get to raise any money for the charity of your choice.

Vendors & Advertisers
A tried and true way many Pagan organizers pay for larger events like a Pagan Pride is by selling vendor slots. Each vendor or reader pays a flat fee, say $25 or $50 or $100 for their 10×10 booth area. Sometimes advertising is offered, if it’s a larger event like a Pagan festival that will be doing a lot of pre-promotion, and a program book. For most medium/large Pagan events, having vendors is one of the only ways you can guarantee you’ll cover your costs.

But here are a few things to consider. If you’re looking to keep the focus of your work on spirituality and education, lots of tables with mass produced bling may not be what you want. While I’m all for supporting our local Pagan/New Age bookstores, I also can’t ethically tell participants at my event that yes, they really need that Tarot deck and wand to be a real Pagan. As an event organizer, that puts me into a moral conflict, because the contract I’m entering into with my vendors is essentially, “You have agreed to give me $50 and I am putting my name behind the stuff you are selling, and encouraging people to buy from you,” because the way vendors and advertisers make money is when people buy from them.

When I’m in a position of needing to support an event with vendors, I try hard to ensure that most of the vendors are local artisans and readers who are also a part of the community, that they have unique offerings that I can truly say, “Yes, this is a good product, these are good people to support with your money.” If a vendor is just there to make a buck, I’m likely to turn down their application rather than compromise my ethics. I wouldn’t turn away a vendor just for selling something mass produced–like books or jewelry–but I’d want to check out the vendor first and see what they’re doing in the community.

I invite Occult Bookstore in Chicago to vend at Ringing Anvil events because they do a tremendous amount of education to the folks who walk into their store, they are upstanding folks, and they make their classroom available for diverse classes and education.

Indiegogo/Kickstarter/Gofundme
These are some of the more successful fundraising efforts I’ve seen in the Pagan community, though I should point out that they seem to be the most effective for artistic endeavors like Pagan musicians, though the Wild Hunt has funded their own costs in this way. In fact, I’m trying this method out myself at the moment.

Tithing/Memberships
The word tithe actually comes from “tenth,” with the idea that each person would put 10% of their income and assets back to the Church (or other body that required it). Given that it’s unlikely many folks are likely to put in 10%, the word “tithe” might be a little misleading, though I’ve heard a more modern connotation of tithe used to mean, donating back based on income, without specifying a percentage.

In past Pagan groups, I’ve seen resistance to an annual membership unless people are “getting” something. The group that I was a co-organizer for, Earth Spiritualists of Chicago, had a failed attempt at a membership fee. People didn’t feel the need to spend $25 on an annual membership because, they were already on our Meetup site, and they already attended events, why pay more? We tried luring people with package deals–free tarot readings, and we talked about t-shirts for members, but it never took off.

On the other hand, groups like the (now gone) Diana’s Grove or the group that formed out of the ashes, The Grove, that are offering a specific educational program have had a bit more success with an annual membership to register with their Mystery School. However, with that we’re talking about people buying a service, and not necessarily gaining buy-in into the organization as co-creators. Some are–staffers might pay the annual registration fee the same as the other students do. But it isn’t exactly the model that’s transferable for many local community groups. I think that this area is a growing edge for many groups. 

Events, Items, Services
In a workshop at Pagan Spirit Gathering led by Florence, editor of Circle Magazine and a woman with considerable experience in the field of not for profit fundraising, I learned that there’s basically two types of fundraising for a not for profit. One is money that is a gift, and the other is money that is earned through the activities of the not for profit. Some people form not for profits imagining that all of this grant money will suddenly flow their way, or that people–lured by the tax deduction–will suddenly begin just donating to their organization.

The truth is that most money is raised through events, services, or products related to the not for profit. An event like a masquerade ball where the money–after event expenses–goes toward the operation of the not for profit. Another example is Pagan Spirit Gathering itself, where–after event expenses–the profits go to support Circle’s operational costs for the next year.

Other examples of this might be selling particular items or services that are in line with the organization’s mission, like t-shirts, bake sales, tarot readings.

It’s worth pointing out that this is a very successful fundraising model likely because, like an auction/raffle, it’s pretty darn close to the capitalism that people are used to. People are buying an item or service that they value. They feel good about the purchase because it supports a group.

What should be obvious to anyone organizing a fundraiser like this is if it costs you $15 for a T-shirt you’re making $5 off of, or $2,000 to run an event, and you make $3,000 and put in months of time organizing the event just to get $1000, wouldn’t it be more efficient for people to just donate the $1,000? Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. People want something for their money that’s tangible, or the experience of an event.

I’d also offer that fundraising events tend to work better when they are entertainment focused, like a concert or ball. What I’ve noticed  in my recent experience of running Pagan concerts is that plenty of people are willing to pay $20-$25 for a concert ticket, and then another $20 on CDs. Many of these are folks that have no interest in attending a ritual or a class.


Filed under: Leadership, Pagan Community Tagged: clergy, community, leadership, Paganism, sustainability, sustainable, tithing

Fundraising 3: Methods to Raise Funds

ButterflySquareApples2I thought it might be useful to collect some fundraising strategies that have worked for Pagan and small groups. This list isn’t comprehensive, but it can give a small organization a place to start.

I’d be very interested in hearing about other fundraising options that have worked for you and your group in the past–perhaps I’ll feature those ideas in a future blog post.

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First–a quick plea for assistance. I’m in the final days of my Indiegogo campaign to raise funds for a car so I can continue traveling and teaching leadership and writing articles like this. I’m offering cool perks from $1 and up, including leadership resources. Every dollar helps me to get a safe, reliable vehicle for those long road trips. If my writing is useful to you, please consider contributing so I can keep doing this work. If everyone who read my blog this week contributed $1-$5, I’d have a pretty reliable car.  http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/leadership-education-and-writing-for-pagan-community/

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Potluck
What does food have to do with fundraising? If your group is totally against any money changing hands, you can work to build a solid culture of potluckers. This can take time to build up, and sometimes it takes a few really anemic potlucks to be able to point out to folks, “If you want good food to celebrate the sabbat, you all have to bring it.” I have found that it especially helps to address this to the group directly, without blame, but definitely specifically pointing it out vs. being passive aggressive and fuming about it. Encouraging potlucking models co-creation and energetic sharing, and is a good pre-step to fundraising.

Anecdote: In Chicago for the public events I offer, fewer people bring potluck but more are willing to donate cash, and I believe this is 1. Because people are busy, and 2. Because it’s hard to bring potluck on the bus. In this case, I’ve given myself over to just buying some supplementary food out of the event budget, and things work out ok. It’s worth noting that (in Chicago) some small groups with a longstanding culture of potluck will turn out some amazing spreads. It’s also worth noting that groups that start out by running events and almost “catering” the events by bringing a lot of food to them will, in fact, reduce how much potluck others bring, since attendees will perceive that they are being fed and that they don’t need to bring anything.

***If you’re having any kind of food, catered or potluck, please be earth conscious. Don’t buy styrofoam plates that are toxic to you, that have toxic byproducts, and that aren’t going to decompose. If you have to use plastic plates, please find a way to wash and reuse them. Paper plates contribute to clearcutting and deforestation. I recommend setting up a “Green dish station,” though this certainly takes volunteers. But it’s a good place to put volunteers who can’t afford to financially contribute. Contact me if you want more info on what a Green dish station might entail.

Love Offerings Jar/Basket
I find this a good place to start, especially in a group that has a few strong voices against any Pagan classes/events making money. Making 100% transparent the actual cost of venue, candles, and other supplies can help with this. If you’re looking to start somewhere, this is a fairly nonthreatening place to begin.

Energetically, there are some similarities with donations and potluck. If you’ve been offering events where you (the organizers) cater them, you set up the expectation that your participants/attendees don’t need to bring anything. You’re energetically ensuring your audience is passive, that you will take care of their needs for them, and that can become an ingrained, systemic pattern if you’re not careful.

If you’ve been running events for a while, or if your local Pagan culture does not typically ask for donations, it will take some time to build up a culture of attendees willing to donate. Whatever you do at your events sets a tone, an expectation. If you’re moving from events that have been free and you haven’t mentioned all the money you’re putting into things, this is a good transition move. If you’re just starting up events, but aren’t comfortable passing the basket or charging admission, at least have a donation jar of some kind because otherwise, your participants may never even consider that it costs money to run an event like a ritual or classes.

Note: If you’ve been paying out of pocket for months, and find yourself making snippy comments like, “Well, I’m the one who paid for the last 12 events and somehow no one else is stepping up and helping,” or if you have blown up (or feel like you’ll blow up) at the next participant who complains about your event by screaming something like, “You can complain about this event when you’re the one paying for it,” you may want to have someone else on your team explain to people why you’re asking for money.

I’ve been there, and I get it–but blowing up at people does not build a healthy and sustainable structure of raising funds for future event. You’ll have some folks leave the group, you’ll have a bunch of folks give you guilt money, and within a year, a lot of people in your group will mysteriously have drifted away. If you’re that pissed off, find a safe place to vent, so that you can calmly educate people in a non-explosive, non-condescending way, about why funds are being collected.

Pass the Basket
This is a little more aggressive than the love offerings jar. You’re likely to get more donations, but, this is in part because many people will feel (whether or not it’s true) the social pressure of eyes boring into the back of their heads if they don’t drop some money in. For folks who have $5 or $20 on them and no problems donating, this method works, but for folks who really can’t afford to donate, they might feel really uncomfortable having their inability to pay being put out in front of the whole group.

I have never used this model because I have felt put on the spot by it. Similar to the above, guilt isn’t the most long-term sustainable way to get money, even if it raises more funds in the short term. I’ve had members of my team do something similar to this by passing a box around after a class, but I felt that that really put pressure on people to donate, and the newer folks are often skittish, even if they do have money to pay.

I’d rather invest in a long-term relationship rather than get someone’s $20 for that event, since my goal is spiritual community, education, and other services that will help that person on their journey, not just making the money for that event. If your goal is to serve everyone, regardless of ability to pay, I recommend the sliding scale donation which can be paid in more privacy.

Suggested donation/sliding scale
This is the model I use for almost all the classes, rituals, and events I offer. I find that, with few exceptions, this model works the best as a bridge between capitalism and a more communal/tithing model. I have various language I use, and I’m happy to forward you some of that language via email or Facebook. For a ritual or short class (2-4 hours) it’s typically:

Admission: $5-$25 sliding scale, no one turned away for lack of funds. Your donation goes toward space rental, etc. etc.

It takes people a while to “get” the sliding scale/no one turned away model. Many people RSVP “No”for events saying, ‘No, I can’t attend, I don’t have the money,” and so I find a lot of education is necessary to communicate that people are welcome at the event, it’s a donation, and if they can’t pay now but they can pay later, that they’re welcome to pay it forward, or stay and help out with cleanup, or volunteer for other work exchange.

Auctions
This can be a great way to raise funds because people are so much more willing to part with money when they are getting something out of it. It’s a win for the whole community when you do it right–your auction items/services get donated from local artisans and healers, and this gains them exposure and business. It also solidifies your community together in a common cause. Auctions work best when:

  1. You involve the broader community in acquiring donations,
  2. You have a fun event around the auction,
  3. You have a good auctioneer,
  4. You have people willing to spend money on things not just for themselves, but for others,
  5. Well organized auction table with nice bid sheets,
  6. Have some silent auction, and only big ticket items go for voice auction before the group, so that the auction doesn’t drag on forever, which is a big buzzkill
  7. Break up auctioning with some kind of entertainment (engaging local musicians or entertainers works well)

When I haven’t done this, proceeds are lower, or people get bored and drift away. For small auctions I’ve brought in $100-$200, for “big” causes I’ve brought in $1500-$2000, even in places where the local Pagans told me they’d never raised more than $50 at an event before.

Donations for Charities:
Everything I’ve mentioned thus far is ways to raise money for groups, regardless of the purpose of the money. My assumption here is that you’re looking for ways to raise funds for the operating costs of your group, space rental, or saving up for future events and endeavors. However, it’s worth mentioning that these are methods often employed for raising money for charities and other causes.

In fact, most of the time when I see Pagan groups (or organizations like Pagan Pride) using these methods, it’s to raise funds for local charities. That’s never a bad thing, and it’s good to give back to the needy. However, I would offer the caution that some groups get into the trap where they are told (or other local groups or individuals loudly proclaim) that it’s only ok to fundraise for a charity, not for the group itself.

Similar to this, I’ve seen groups offering Pagan Pride-like events that put all the money raised into charity donations for something like a women’s shelter, and then when they start organizing next year’s event, they have no seed money at all to rent a venue.

If you’re fundraising for charity, I recommend keeping some of the money for group activities, and making that transparent. Or, as I like to call it, putting your own oxygen mask on first. If you have a great event planned, but none of your vendors have pre-registered and you can’t secure the space and have to cancel the event, then you don’t get to raise any money for the charity of your choice.

Vendors & Advertisers
A tried and true way many Pagan organizers pay for larger events like a Pagan Pride is by selling vendor slots. Each vendor or reader pays a flat fee, say $25 or $50 or $100 for their 10×10 booth area. Sometimes advertising is offered, if it’s a larger event like a Pagan festival that will be doing a lot of pre-promotion, and a program book. For most medium/large Pagan events, having vendors is one of the only ways you can guarantee you’ll cover your costs.

But here are a few things to consider. If you’re looking to keep the focus of your work on spirituality and education, lots of tables with mass produced bling may not be what you want. While I’m all for supporting our local Pagan/New Age bookstores, I also can’t ethically tell participants at my event that yes, they really need that Tarot deck and wand to be a real Pagan. As an event organizer, that puts me into a moral conflict, because the contract I’m entering into with my vendors is essentially, “You have agreed to give me $50 and I am putting my name behind the stuff you are selling, and encouraging people to buy from you,” because the way vendors and advertisers make money is when people buy from them.

When I’m in a position of needing to support an event with vendors, I try hard to ensure that most of the vendors are local artisans and readers who are also a part of the community, that they have unique offerings that I can truly say, “Yes, this is a good product, these are good people to support with your money.” If a vendor is just there to make a buck, I’m likely to turn down their application rather than compromise my ethics. I wouldn’t turn away a vendor just for selling something mass produced–like books or jewelry–but I’d want to check out the vendor first and see what they’re doing in the community.

I invite Occult Bookstore in Chicago to vend at Ringing Anvil events because they do a tremendous amount of education to the folks who walk into their store, they are upstanding folks, and they make their classroom available for diverse classes and education.

Indiegogo/Kickstarter/Gofundme
These are some of the more successful fundraising efforts I’ve seen in the Pagan community, though I should point out that they seem to be the most effective for artistic endeavors like Pagan musicians, though the Wild Hunt has funded their own costs in this way. In fact, I’m trying this method out myself at the moment.

Tithing/Memberships
The word tithe actually comes from “tenth,” with the idea that each person would put 10% of their income and assets back to the Church (or other body that required it). Given that it’s unlikely many folks are likely to put in 10%, the word “tithe” might be a little misleading, though I’ve heard a more modern connotation of tithe used to mean, donating back based on income, without specifying a percentage.

In past Pagan groups, I’ve seen resistance to an annual membership unless people are “getting” something. The group that I was a co-organizer for, Earth Spiritualists of Chicago, had a failed attempt at a membership fee. People didn’t feel the need to spend $25 on an annual membership because, they were already on our Meetup site, and they already attended events, why pay more? We tried luring people with package deals–free tarot readings, and we talked about t-shirts for members, but it never took off.

On the other hand, groups like the (now gone) Diana’s Grove or the group that formed out of the ashes, The Grove, that are offering a specific educational program have had a bit more success with an annual membership to register with their Mystery School. However, with that we’re talking about people buying a service, and not necessarily gaining buy-in into the organization as co-creators. Some are–staffers might pay the annual registration fee the same as the other students do. But it isn’t exactly the model that’s transferable for many local community groups. I think that this area is a growing edge for many groups. 

Events, Items, Services
In a workshop at Pagan Spirit Gathering led by Florence, editor of Circle Magazine and a woman with considerable experience in the field of not for profit fundraising, I learned that there’s basically two types of fundraising for a not for profit. One is money that is a gift, and the other is money that is earned through the activities of the not for profit. Some people form not for profits imagining that all of this grant money will suddenly flow their way, or that people–lured by the tax deduction–will suddenly begin just donating to their organization.

The truth is that most money is raised through events, services, or products related to the not for profit. An event like a masquerade ball where the money–after event expenses–goes toward the operation of the not for profit. Another example is Pagan Spirit Gathering itself, where–after event expenses–the profits go to support Circle’s operational costs for the next year.

Other examples of this might be selling particular items or services that are in line with the organization’s mission, like t-shirts, bake sales, tarot readings.

It’s worth pointing out that this is a very successful fundraising model likely because, like an auction/raffle, it’s pretty darn close to the capitalism that people are used to. People are buying an item or service that they value. They feel good about the purchase because it supports a group.

What should be obvious to anyone organizing a fundraiser like this is if it costs you $15 for a T-shirt you’re making $5 off of, or $2,000 to run an event, and you make $3,000 and put in months of time organizing the event just to get $1000, wouldn’t it be more efficient for people to just donate the $1,000? Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. People want something for their money that’s tangible, or the experience of an event.

I’d also offer that fundraising events tend to work better when they are entertainment focused, like a concert or ball. What I’ve noticed  in my recent experience of running Pagan concerts is that plenty of people are willing to pay $20-$25 for a concert ticket, and then another $20 on CDs. Many of these are folks that have no interest in attending a ritual or a class.


Filed under: Leadership, Pagan Community Tagged: clergy, community, leadership, Paganism, sustainability, sustainable, tithing

Fundraising in the Pagan Community Part 2

5169121_xxlShould Pagan teachers charge? How are we going to pay for all the Pagan events and initiatives out there? I see those questions come up a lot. I also see some Pagans viciously attack anyone who charges for classes or events.

Context is important, and I’d offer that there’s a range of what we mean when we say, charging for classes and services.

I charge for what I do. I travel and teach, I host events. There’s a cost–a hard cost (venue rental, gas money) and a soft cost (time).

I charge for readings too. But, I also do rather a lot for free. In fact, most of the time even when I’m charging, I’d say I ultimately end up at a financial loss.

I think it would be useful to look at the range of contexts. In fact, let’s also just look at the math.

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First–a quick plea for assistance. I’m in the final days of my Indiegogo campaign to raise funds for a car so I can continue traveling and teaching leadership and writing articles like this. I’m offering cool perks from $1 and up, including leadership resources. Every dollar helps me to get a safe, reliable vehicle for those long road trips. If my writing is useful to you, please consider contributing so I can keep doing this work. If everyone who read my blog this week contributed $1-$5, I’d have a pretty reliable car.  http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/leadership-education-and-writing-for-pagan-community/

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Let’s look at a priest/ess hosting coven classes and rituals out of their home. Small group, let’s say there’s 5-15 people. I think most of the time folks like this are not charging hard cash for their classes and rituals. However, let’s look at the costs they are incurring, both hard costs and soft costs.

Hard costs: Any ritual supplies. Candles. Food, if they are hosting. Printouts of class materials. Possibly gas money for going out to buy supplies.
Soft costs: The time spent preparing their space for guests, doing dishes and cleaning up after. Event hosting out of your home may be free, but it can take a lot of time to prepare for. There’s also the impact on the host house’s family; if members of the family have to stay out of the living room, or leave the house entirely, there’s an emotional and time cost there too. There’s also the additional time incurred running errands.

Additional soft costs: the time it takes to prepare the lessons and rituals, as well as the inevitable pastoral counseling. If you’re working with a small group of people and you are the designated leader, eventually people are going to come to you for advice on their problems in their lives. Depending on the people and the group, this might be just a little time out of your day, or it might be multiple hours-long counseling sessions each week.

A member of the ADF clergy once said this very succinctly. “I don’t want to charge for my services, however, this is taking more and more of my time. If I’m cleaning my house after a gathering and spending several hours a week counseling people, I don’t have time to do my normal work. This is cutting into time I need to work my full time job. Something has to give. If you’re not going to pay me so I can work less hours, are you going to come over and do my dishes for me after a gathering here? Are you going to help me with the cleaning I don’t get done because I’m doing free counseling? Are you going to bring candles? Are you going to bring food?”

But Real Witches Never Charged
That’s not true at all. I think if we look back to our ancestors, the Witch/Shaman/Druid/Priest/Healer of the tribe was getting paid, in the form of a tithe from the tribe for their upkeep. It might be in the form of a chicken or a fur or a seat at the dinner table, or help building their home, but it was still payment.

Money is not a dirty thing. Money represents your time that you spent laboring. It represents energy. So, a small group clergy leader like this might need to take donations to help with hard costs like supplies, but they also might need to ask for help with some of the things that they don’t have time for if they’re prepping lessons and doing one-on-one counseling.

I don’t think it’s at all out of bounds for a coven leader to ask group members to help them with light cleaning and dishes, or, with the occasional larger house project like painting a living room. It’s an energy exchange. Unfortunately, the flip side of this is that some group leaders can become highly unethical about this. In a more unethical, cult-like group, the group leader might demand service, monetary donations, or even sexual favors. And I think that’s a little bit of why Pagans end up with such a squick about asking for help with cleaning, or asking for money…because some people do abuse this.

Costs of Running Public Events
The next level up in expenses is more along the lines of what I do–running public rituals/larger group events. This one is pretty easy to outline.

Hard costs:
Venue Rental: Some groups are able to use parks or forest preserves for free, that doesn’t really work for where I’m doing rituals. When I host a public ritual in Chicago, it can cost me rather a lot of money. And I’ve lost my shirt on event space rental fees when I didn’t get enough donations. Right now my venue rental is about $300 a day.

Ritual supplies: Candles, rubbing alcohol and Epsom salts for a cauldron fire (or firewood)

Longer term ritual supplies: Fabric for the tables, ritual decorations, extra ritual wear for people taking roles. These are things I’ve paid for out of pocket and “loan” to the group/event.

Web site: Meetup.com costs something like $15 or so a month, and web hosting can cost $50 or more a year. I finally dumped Meetup.com just this past year, but it was a consistent expense.

Potluck food: If I’m hosting a potluck, I still need to bring a few core offerings. Some events, the donations to the potlucks have been pretty sparse.

What do I Charge?
What I typically do for my public events is ask for a sliding scale donation, $5-$25, no one turned away for lack of funds. I’m offering one of the only public rituals in Chicagoland, so I feel it’s important to keep making these available no matter what people can pay. At the same time, I can’t afford to lose money on an event.

It’s utterly and completely unfair to ask clergy that have been putting in hours and hours to plan an event, and then host it, and clean it up, to also spend money to cover the costs. And yet, when I teach Pagan leadership workshops, so many leaders fess up to me that they not only put in the time, but they float the venue rental costs and other costs because when they ask for donations, “People bitch, they complain, they throw big drama fits, and then nobody comes to the events.”

I admire the folks who do this–even while I lament and regret that they continue supporting and enabling a dysfunctional pattern in our community. I myself am not in a financial position to do this. If my events don’t break even, I will have to stop doing them.

Readings:
Yup, I charge for these. Why? Tarot readings, or when I facilitate shamanic/trance journeys for people, are a lot of work. Whether I’m traveling to do this at someone’s home, or getting my own home ready for them, that’s work too. I could be spending my time working on other projects on my endless to do list. It takes a lot of my personal energy to do reading work. So yeah, I charge. I also charge for my artwork, and I enjoy painting a lot more than I enjoy doing readings.

Pastoral counseling or emergency leadership assistance and mediations:
Well, no, I don’t charge for that. Someone asks me for help, I will do my best to help them. People ask me some crazy questions, and sometimes it’s way beyond my ability to help them. But all of that still takes my time away from things that could bring in money. If someone has a leadership disaster, I’m going to give them my time. But that might take 1-2 hours out of my working day, and that’s time I won’t get to spend working on other projects that might bring in income.

Mediation:
I’ll do a mediation for free, but again, I can’t pay the gas money out of pocket. And while I wouldn’t demand a payment, I also wouldn’t refuse it, because it’s taking my time to do that. I’ve driven 4-5 hours for mediation work, which meant I was gone for 2 days. That 2 days has an impact on my life. Even 2 hours has an impact on my life.

Teaching:
I charge for this too. However, it’s not really very lucrative. At least, not yet. Even so, bringing me into town is something that’s barely at or beyond the financial abilities of most groups. Here’s some examples:

I used to travel and teach at festivals and events for free. Ie, I’d drive from Chicago to Madison or Indianapolis and I’d eat the cost of gas, in order to teach free workshops. But as more and more people asked me to teach for them, I had to start asking at least for gas money. It added up really quickly.

Nowadays, if I’m teaching at a festival, I typically get in for free, I get a place to stay, I get gas money, and the ability to vend for free.

However, what doesn’t that pay for? It doesn’t pay for my oil change. Or for the $500 repairing breaks and other wear and tear. It doesn’t pay for my handouts or my time. I get a little money from vending my artwork, but not a lot. In other words–I’m still operating at a loss, technically.

When teaching a weekend intensive, here are the financial terms I’ve laid out in the past, though I’m finding that I have to reconsider the numbers because I’m still operating at a loss. I’ve worked hard to make my work affordable for local organizers. In the past, I’ve said, I need gas money and a place for stay, and if I can make $200 beyond that for the weekend, that would be great. But, most of the places that I teach, aren’t able to afford that.

And given my experiences of how much car repairs have cost me and that 75% or more of my car use is for traveling and teaching, that’s no longer enough money for a weekend class to “break even.”

Balancing the Scales
I value teaching and sharing my knowledge. I’d do it for free if I could. But I can’t. This is my calling, my life’s work. I love doing this work. But it means I live off of almost nothing.

Yes, I’m (now) a published author, but that has not yet begun to supplement my income. I won’t get into the complexities of publishing, royalties, or how long it takes to actually make money as an author. Most Pagan authors aren’t making as much as you think, and even my fiction books are just going to take a while to gain an audience because of how publishing works these days.

There are Pagan teachers who charge $1,500 a weekend plus travel. There’s teachers that charge more. Truthfully, I can see why that’s a reasonable fee now that I’m doing that, because that income would pay for all the other work that I do that’s unpaid.

Pastoral counseling is unpaid. Writing educational blog posts is unpaid. Writing articles is (usually) unpaid. Running rituals is unpaid. Writing books is…a little paid. But when you look at how much work goes into writing and editing a book, much less promoting it…you’re getting pennies for your time.

I wish there was a better way. Truly I do. I like the old-fashioned tithing model, where those that can afford to pay more do so, so that those who can’t can still get spiritual services. But it’s a tricky balance, and there’s a lot of factors.

Challenges with Money
One challenge is, the unethical leaders/teachers charging for their work are really, really visible, and that leaves a sour taste in people’s mouths. There’s also just a numbers game; there’s simply not enough Pagans in any one region to support full-time paid clergy. Keep in mind that it takes all the annual fundraising efforts of Circle Sanctuary and Pagan Spirit Gathering to pay for 2 staff members, among their other annual expenses to maintain their property.

I think about all the good work Circle is doing, and how much more they could do with more paid staff or more financial resources for other projects. And I suppose that’s one of the core issues here–more and more Pagans want the benefits of an infrastructure. And infrastructure requires money. There’s no way around it.

Something else to consider is the cost of clergy training. More and more Pagans are finding themselves called to get training as ritual leaders, prison ministers, pastoral counselors, death midwives. Which is good, because we’ve had hordes of Pagan leaders doing pastoral counseling for decades without any training and that’s a bad idea.

But that training has a cost. Ministerial training has a cost, mediation training has a cost. There’s time, and there’s the cost of the classes, the cost of the textbooks. So you pay for all that training, and then you can’t charge for the work you do to recoup your cost.

A Unitarian Universalist minister can go to seminary, get student loans, and then has a job when they leave the ministry so they can pay back any student loans and have a viable income. Paid clergy does not equal largesse and abuse. But, the Pagan community just can’t really support it. Not yet. Not til we have larger numbers, or, more concentrated communities like a communal living arrangement.

Similarly why we can’t have community centers/physical churches/temple spaces. There’s just not enough numbers to support it yet.

However, I think there’s also a deeper issue of values.

Do Pagans Value Events and Education?
By values, I don’t mean, I value world peace. By values, I mean, what I value–what I am willing to pay for through money, or time and work. And money is time. Money represents time I spent doing work.

Going out on a limb, I wonder about one of the imperatives in some religions to:

  1. Procreate, and
  2. Evangelize

What if those imperatives were largely to speed up the process by which that religious traditions had enough numbers to gain political strength and build infrastructure. Seriously. If you look at it sociologically, there’s just some things you can’t do until you have a big enough population base in an area.

That being said, one of the challenges in Pagan community is that many Pagans seem to value that $5 cup of coffee more than making sure local rituals happen, or that there is access to more in-depth classes. There’s a big difference between someone who is barely making it financially who really cannot afford to pay, and someone who could, but doesn’t value paying.

For that matter, because Pagan communities don’t have great infrastructure, we also don’t really have good support structures for the people who are dead broke and who need help. I’ve heard of a number of Pagans who have gone back to the religion of their youth specifically because their church had services and assistance to help them get out of the financial situation they were in.

Where do we go?
I don’t have the answers here, I just have more questions. I’m always asking, how can I get Pagans to value ritual, to value education, to value personal growth work, to value leaders getting leadership training?  Or, is it something that my community really actually just doesn’t value, and I should quit trying to offer such work in the form of classes and community rituals? How often can Pagan leaders and organizers and teachers keep barking up the wrong tree before we give up? Or do we really just need to wait a few generations to have enough numbers?

For further exploration on this topic, below is a longer article I wrote several years ago on a potential model for Pagan community fundraising. http://shaunaaura.wordpress.com/2010/10/13/how-do-we-pay-for-all-this-memberships-tithing-and-pagans/

Tomorrow I’ll post a Part 3 in this series on a few fundraising methods that I’ve seen work.


Filed under: Leadership, Pagan Community Tagged: community, community building, event organizing, event planning, fundraising, Leaders, leadership, Pagan community, Paganism, sustainability, sustainable

Fundraising in the Pagan Community Part 2

5169121_xxlShould Pagan teachers charge? How are we going to pay for all the Pagan events and initiatives out there? I see those questions come up a lot. I also see some Pagans viciously attack anyone who charges for classes or events.

Context is important, and I’d offer that there’s a range of what we mean when we say, charging for classes and services.

I charge for what I do. I travel and teach, I host events. There’s a cost–a hard cost (venue rental, gas money) and a soft cost (time).

I charge for readings too. But, I also do rather a lot for free. In fact, most of the time even when I’m charging, I’d say I ultimately end up at a financial loss.

I think it would be useful to look at the range of contexts. In fact, let’s also just look at the math.

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First–a quick plea for assistance. I’m in the final days of my Indiegogo campaign to raise funds for a car so I can continue traveling and teaching leadership and writing articles like this. I’m offering cool perks from $1 and up, including leadership resources. Every dollar helps me to get a safe, reliable vehicle for those long road trips. If my writing is useful to you, please consider contributing so I can keep doing this work. If everyone who read my blog this week contributed $1-$5, I’d have a pretty reliable car.  http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/leadership-education-and-writing-for-pagan-community/

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Let’s look at a priest/ess hosting coven classes and rituals out of their home. Small group, let’s say there’s 5-15 people. I think most of the time folks like this are not charging hard cash for their classes and rituals. However, let’s look at the costs they are incurring, both hard costs and soft costs.

Hard costs: Any ritual supplies. Candles. Food, if they are hosting. Printouts of class materials. Possibly gas money for going out to buy supplies.
Soft costs: The time spent preparing their space for guests, doing dishes and cleaning up after. Event hosting out of your home may be free, but it can take a lot of time to prepare for. There’s also the impact on the host house’s family; if members of the family have to stay out of the living room, or leave the house entirely, there’s an emotional and time cost there too. There’s also the additional time incurred running errands.

Additional soft costs: the time it takes to prepare the lessons and rituals, as well as the inevitable pastoral counseling. If you’re working with a small group of people and you are the designated leader, eventually people are going to come to you for advice on their problems in their lives. Depending on the people and the group, this might be just a little time out of your day, or it might be multiple hours-long counseling sessions each week.

A member of the ADF clergy once said this very succinctly. “I don’t want to charge for my services, however, this is taking more and more of my time. If I’m cleaning my house after a gathering and spending several hours a week counseling people, I don’t have time to do my normal work. This is cutting into time I need to work my full time job. Something has to give. If you’re not going to pay me so I can work less hours, are you going to come over and do my dishes for me after a gathering here? Are you going to help me with the cleaning I don’t get done because I’m doing free counseling? Are you going to bring candles? Are you going to bring food?”

But Real Witches Never Charged
That’s not true at all. I think if we look back to our ancestors, the Witch/Shaman/Druid/Priest/Healer of the tribe was getting paid, in the form of a tithe from the tribe for their upkeep. It might be in the form of a chicken or a fur or a seat at the dinner table, or help building their home, but it was still payment.

Money is not a dirty thing. Money represents your time that you spent laboring. It represents energy. So, a small group clergy leader like this might need to take donations to help with hard costs like supplies, but they also might need to ask for help with some of the things that they don’t have time for if they’re prepping lessons and doing one-on-one counseling.

I don’t think it’s at all out of bounds for a coven leader to ask group members to help them with light cleaning and dishes, or, with the occasional larger house project like painting a living room. It’s an energy exchange. Unfortunately, the flip side of this is that some group leaders can become highly unethical about this. In a more unethical, cult-like group, the group leader might demand service, monetary donations, or even sexual favors. And I think that’s a little bit of why Pagans end up with such a squick about asking for help with cleaning, or asking for money…because some people do abuse this.

Costs of Running Public Events
The next level up in expenses is more along the lines of what I do–running public rituals/larger group events. This one is pretty easy to outline.

Hard costs:
Venue Rental: Some groups are able to use parks or forest preserves for free, that doesn’t really work for where I’m doing rituals. When I host a public ritual in Chicago, it can cost me rather a lot of money. And I’ve lost my shirt on event space rental fees when I didn’t get enough donations. Right now my venue rental is about $300 a day.

Ritual supplies: Candles, rubbing alcohol and Epsom salts for a cauldron fire (or firewood)

Longer term ritual supplies: Fabric for the tables, ritual decorations, extra ritual wear for people taking roles. These are things I’ve paid for out of pocket and “loan” to the group/event.

Web site: Meetup.com costs something like $15 or so a month, and web hosting can cost $50 or more a year. I finally dumped Meetup.com just this past year, but it was a consistent expense.

Potluck food: If I’m hosting a potluck, I still need to bring a few core offerings. Some events, the donations to the potlucks have been pretty sparse.

What do I Charge?
What I typically do for my public events is ask for a sliding scale donation, $5-$25, no one turned away for lack of funds. I’m offering one of the only public rituals in Chicagoland, so I feel it’s important to keep making these available no matter what people can pay. At the same time, I can’t afford to lose money on an event.

It’s utterly and completely unfair to ask clergy that have been putting in hours and hours to plan an event, and then host it, and clean it up, to also spend money to cover the costs. And yet, when I teach Pagan leadership workshops, so many leaders fess up to me that they not only put in the time, but they float the venue rental costs and other costs because when they ask for donations, “People bitch, they complain, they throw big drama fits, and then nobody comes to the events.”

I admire the folks who do this–even while I lament and regret that they continue supporting and enabling a dysfunctional pattern in our community. I myself am not in a financial position to do this. If my events don’t break even, I will have to stop doing them.

Readings:
Yup, I charge for these. Why? Tarot readings, or when I facilitate shamanic/trance journeys for people, are a lot of work. Whether I’m traveling to do this at someone’s home, or getting my own home ready for them, that’s work too. I could be spending my time working on other projects on my endless to do list. It takes a lot of my personal energy to do reading work. So yeah, I charge. I also charge for my artwork, and I enjoy painting a lot more than I enjoy doing readings.

Pastoral counseling or emergency leadership assistance and mediations:
Well, no, I don’t charge for that. Someone asks me for help, I will do my best to help them. People ask me some crazy questions, and sometimes it’s way beyond my ability to help them. But all of that still takes my time away from things that could bring in money. If someone has a leadership disaster, I’m going to give them my time. But that might take 1-2 hours out of my working day, and that’s time I won’t get to spend working on other projects that might bring in income.

Mediation:
I’ll do a mediation for free, but again, I can’t pay the gas money out of pocket. And while I wouldn’t demand a payment, I also wouldn’t refuse it, because it’s taking my time to do that. I’ve driven 4-5 hours for mediation work, which meant I was gone for 2 days. That 2 days has an impact on my life. Even 2 hours has an impact on my life.

Teaching:
I charge for this too. However, it’s not really very lucrative. At least, not yet. Even so, bringing me into town is something that’s barely at or beyond the financial abilities of most groups. Here’s some examples:

I used to travel and teach at festivals and events for free. Ie, I’d drive from Chicago to Madison or Indianapolis and I’d eat the cost of gas, in order to teach free workshops. But as more and more people asked me to teach for them, I had to start asking at least for gas money. It added up really quickly.

Nowadays, if I’m teaching at a festival, I typically get in for free, I get a place to stay, I get gas money, and the ability to vend for free.

However, what doesn’t that pay for? It doesn’t pay for my oil change. Or for the $500 repairing breaks and other wear and tear. It doesn’t pay for my handouts or my time. I get a little money from vending my artwork, but not a lot. In other words–I’m still operating at a loss, technically.

When teaching a weekend intensive, here are the financial terms I’ve laid out in the past, though I’m finding that I have to reconsider the numbers because I’m still operating at a loss. I’ve worked hard to make my work affordable for local organizers. In the past, I’ve said, I need gas money and a place for stay, and if I can make $200 beyond that for the weekend, that would be great. But, most of the places that I teach, aren’t able to afford that.

And given my experiences of how much car repairs have cost me and that 75% or more of my car use is for traveling and teaching, that’s no longer enough money for a weekend class to “break even.”

Balancing the Scales
I value teaching and sharing my knowledge. I’d do it for free if I could. But I can’t. This is my calling, my life’s work. I love doing this work. But it means I live off of almost nothing.

Yes, I’m (now) a published author, but that has not yet begun to supplement my income. I won’t get into the complexities of publishing, royalties, or how long it takes to actually make money as an author. Most Pagan authors aren’t making as much as you think, and even my fiction books are just going to take a while to gain an audience because of how publishing works these days.

There are Pagan teachers who charge $1,500 a weekend plus travel. There’s teachers that charge more. Truthfully, I can see why that’s a reasonable fee now that I’m doing that, because that income would pay for all the other work that I do that’s unpaid.

Pastoral counseling is unpaid. Writing educational blog posts is unpaid. Writing articles is (usually) unpaid. Running rituals is unpaid. Writing books is…a little paid. But when you look at how much work goes into writing and editing a book, much less promoting it…you’re getting pennies for your time.

I wish there was a better way. Truly I do. I like the old-fashioned tithing model, where those that can afford to pay more do so, so that those who can’t can still get spiritual services. But it’s a tricky balance, and there’s a lot of factors.

Challenges with Money
One challenge is, the unethical leaders/teachers charging for their work are really, really visible, and that leaves a sour taste in people’s mouths. There’s also just a numbers game; there’s simply not enough Pagans in any one region to support full-time paid clergy. Keep in mind that it takes all the annual fundraising efforts of Circle Sanctuary and Pagan Spirit Gathering to pay for 2 staff members, among their other annual expenses to maintain their property.

I think about all the good work Circle is doing, and how much more they could do with more paid staff or more financial resources for other projects. And I suppose that’s one of the core issues here–more and more Pagans want the benefits of an infrastructure. And infrastructure requires money. There’s no way around it.

Something else to consider is the cost of clergy training. More and more Pagans are finding themselves called to get training as ritual leaders, prison ministers, pastoral counselors, death midwives. Which is good, because we’ve had hordes of Pagan leaders doing pastoral counseling for decades without any training and that’s a bad idea.

But that training has a cost. Ministerial training has a cost, mediation training has a cost. There’s time, and there’s the cost of the classes, the cost of the textbooks. So you pay for all that training, and then you can’t charge for the work you do to recoup your cost.

A Unitarian Universalist minister can go to seminary, get student loans, and then has a job when they leave the ministry so they can pay back any student loans and have a viable income. Paid clergy does not equal largesse and abuse. But, the Pagan community just can’t really support it. Not yet. Not til we have larger numbers, or, more concentrated communities like a communal living arrangement.

Similarly why we can’t have community centers/physical churches/temple spaces. There’s just not enough numbers to support it yet.

However, I think there’s also a deeper issue of values.

Do Pagans Value Events and Education?
By values, I don’t mean, I value world peace. By values, I mean, what I value–what I am willing to pay for through money, or time and work. And money is time. Money represents time I spent doing work.

Going out on a limb, I wonder about one of the imperatives in some religions to:

  1. Procreate, and
  2. Evangelize

What if those imperatives were largely to speed up the process by which that religious traditions had enough numbers to gain political strength and build infrastructure. Seriously. If you look at it sociologically, there’s just some things you can’t do until you have a big enough population base in an area.

That being said, one of the challenges in Pagan community is that many Pagans seem to value that $5 cup of coffee more than making sure local rituals happen, or that there is access to more in-depth classes. There’s a big difference between someone who is barely making it financially who really cannot afford to pay, and someone who could, but doesn’t value paying.

For that matter, because Pagan communities don’t have great infrastructure, we also don’t really have good support structures for the people who are dead broke and who need help. I’ve heard of a number of Pagans who have gone back to the religion of their youth specifically because their church had services and assistance to help them get out of the financial situation they were in.

Where do we go?
I don’t have the answers here, I just have more questions. I’m always asking, how can I get Pagans to value ritual, to value education, to value personal growth work, to value leaders getting leadership training?  Or, is it something that my community really actually just doesn’t value, and I should quit trying to offer such work in the form of classes and community rituals? How often can Pagan leaders and organizers and teachers keep barking up the wrong tree before we give up? Or do we really just need to wait a few generations to have enough numbers?

For further exploration on this topic, below is a longer article I wrote several years ago on a potential model for Pagan community fundraising. https://shaunaaura.wordpress.com/2010/10/13/how-do-we-pay-for-all-this-memberships-tithing-and-pagans/

Tomorrow I’ll post a Part 3 in this series on a few fundraising methods that I’ve seen work.


Filed under: Leadership, Pagan Community Tagged: community, community building, event organizing, event planning, fundraising, Leaders, leadership, Pagan community, Paganism, sustainability, sustainable